Fear

Every single day I live a lie, I am Bisexual, I think about girls all the time, it kills me to have to hide it all the time. I think I have known for awhile, but I’m too scared to come out, my father’s family is so religious, strong conservative Christians, they don’t believe in the gay lifestyle, and I fear my mother’s family is the same, it kills me to have to lie about being straight, the fear is overwhelming. Most days I escape into the internet, just to look at female porn it’s shameful and yet It’s the only way I can feel anything, I’ve learned to suppress these feelings of longing, but one day I fear it will all come out, and I won’t be able to hide it anymore, a day I am not prepared for.

7 thoughts on “Fear

  1. I understand, i come from a independent fundamental baptist background. Living a lie is hard, is means constantly watching everything you do and everything you say. I couldn’t do it anymore. I went to private Christian school, and strict baptist college (Hyles-Anderson) we went to church 3 times a week. It is very hard to pretend all the time. I am bisexual also, although mostly leaning towards women. I am also gender nonconforming, i claim no gender at all, although i have no wish or desire to change the female body i was born in. I have been married to men twice, it just didn’t work. I am now very happily legally married to a woman. My brother who got a masters from Hyles-Anderson, treats me like i have the black plague, although with a sick fake smile. My mother alternates between “normal” conversation and telling me I’m going to hell, and has unfriended me on Facebook. And my father, a democratic liberal, who never went to church when i was a kid, and always said he didn’t care who i married, has now started going with my brother to church, and has decided he will not accept my wife and i and our relationship.
    Being who really are will be hard and probably painful, but being who you aren’t is much worse. Do you really want to continue to make everyone else happy with the ONLY life you have? They don’t accept the real person you are, or it wouldn’t matter. They may change their feelings and beliefs on LGBTQ people or they may not. But that is clearly who you are. Hiding it will keep them happy, but it certainly won’t do anything positive for you. There are plenty of us out here who have gone through the same thing, and we have had to find new family. Quit the porn and go find a real-life woman to go on a date with, talk to other lesbians online, go to a gay bar, go to your nearest pride celebration. We are out here, and we will support you.

  2. You’re perfectly imperfect, like everyone here on earth. There’s a lot of support out there and plenty of people who will hold you up when you’re feeling lost. I would say live your life to how you want to live regardless if your family is religious. None of them is willing take this road with you and leave their “straight” partners to walk this road with you. At the end it’s better to have been honest with yourself. To live a life with a loving partner, real family and friends who truly accepts you and loves you for you and not this superficial crap they want. With porn it is normal, you shouldn’t need to feel ashamed about it. Everyone watches it, thinks about sex, is wired for sex unless it’s becomes an unhealthy problem. Which you seem normal to me regarding that. Also everyone has dirty secrets/thoughts regardless if they listen to a preacher every week. Take your time, love yourself, know your never alone, you’re normal, and when you’re doing better. Help others who are also going through this struggle too. I believe we’re given these struggles in our live so we in return can help another. Good luck!!!

  3. Please consider it a lost cause that you are a woman attracted to females and that you should give in to your desires.
    An intelligent, able person can entertain wrong thoughts and persist in them. If you decide not to be a bisexual it is possible you can decide against thinking of sex with your gender.
    It might take time and sincere, continuous effort. You have say to yourself with conviction, “NO! Although I want to have relations with girls I will not live this life. I am determined to remain chaste.”
    If a person has the desire to be a terrorist, should he or she give in to it and kill people? If a woman desires to cheat on her husband, can she not overcome it and help strengthen her marriage?
    We all get wrong thoughts, there are perhaps many you resist engaging. Please don’t give in, fight it hard! You are born a woman, fulfill your role in the human family, be the best female you can be in happiness.
    Resisting wrong desires does not mean we support extreme religious practices and unreasonable views. Giving in to wrong desires does not prove we are being fair, equal and honest to ourselves and others. When you are living against your gender you lying against your own existence. It is your personal choice, please make the right decisions and chose to live them in fullness. Ask Jehovah to help you and he will send you assistance.

  4. That’s really rough. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through.
    Do you have any gay or bi friends?
    Around where I live, a lot of people are gay. I don’t know how it happened, but maybe I just happened to befriend all of the gays. In my friend group, 99% of people are either LGBT or questioning.
    If you have any really close friends, I would suggest telling them about how you’re bi. If they don’t understand, they almost definitely aren’t good friends.
    I wish I could tell you to just come out to your family, but that’s not always the best idea. If you feel like you might put yourself in a dangerous situation by coming out, I would strongly advise to stay in the closet.
    Maybe, you could try to lowkey bring up the idea of gay people to your family, subtly. By this, I mean casually bring up recent gay rights or whatever and wait to hear what they say. If your family member says something bad about gay people, don’t agree with them, but I wouldn’t suggest going completely against them unless you feel the situation is safe.
    If you want to appeal to their catholic side, you could try bringing up the verse that says “Love thy neighbor as you would love thyself” or something along those lines. Maybe if you bring it up enough, they might become a bit more understanding. You can only hope.
    You are in a really shitty situation. I really really wouldn’t suggest coming out to your family until you’re in a monetarily-safe moment in your life, where you would be able to move out on the fly, if you aren’t 100% sure that they’d be okay with it.
    I would like to think that you aren’t so much ‘living a lie’, but you’re a spy. You’ve infiltrated the system, and they have no idea of your secret identity. A spy doesn’t blow their cover unless they have to; if you feel like this is a valid reason for wanting to give away your cover, go for it! But sometimes, you have to stay undercover for your own safety. It’s hard, and it hurts, but it’s just what you have to do.
    I can’t tell you what to do with your own life, but I really feel that you should think it over a lot before coming to a decision.
    Additionally, if you fear that it will come out someday on accident, I suggest having a backup plan, just in case it doesn’t end well. You could have a plan ready on who’s house you could run to and what you need to pack. I don’t know your exact situation, so decide for yourself whether or not this seems like something you might want to think about doing. I don’t know whether you’ll actually have to do something so drastic, but just in case shit hits the fan, it’s good to be prepared.
    It might not be safe for you to come out to your family just yet. How long do you have until you’re able to move out?
    I would suggest joining an online forum. Heck, join Tumblr! Tumblr has a lot of downsides (e.g. racism, stereotyping), but as long as you stay away from those kind of blogs, you’ll probably be safe. Tumblr is great because a lot of people on there are LGBTQ+, so you’ll inevitably meet somebody like you to talk to or reblog from.
    Good luck and stay safe!

  5. You don’t have to “come out” to anybody. Your sexuality is your own personal business. You don’t owe anyone any answers. Start building your own life. Give it more time.

  6. Hey, I’m bi too. Honestly, it’s been pretty great so far. Nobody notices that I check out guys and I check out girls and I’m just over here like, “dammmnnn. So hot. Ooooh! Look over there! So prettyyy omg,” and as long gone as I keep it quiet, nobody notices. The only person who knows is my best friend and I intend to keep it that way until I move out of my family’s house next month. I’ve known for about two years and it’s just nice being able to admit to myself that I really AM checking out those girls and that liking both guys and girls is completely real and valid.
    Everyone I know is aware that I’m 100% col with any sexuality that anybody has, which was not always the case and it scared me to show even that at first. Idk. I say that if you take it slow and stay chill about it like it’s no big deal, that everyone else will eventually get used to it. Mostly. Right?

  7. Why is it important that everyone know that you have bi-sexual leanings?
    If you truly feel turned on by both sexes, why not simply express your sexuality with women. A lot of people seem confused about this issue. Anyway, hope that all works out and if possible allow yourself therapy so that you can work through these issues. Be well.

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