Struggling to like motherhood… jealous of my husband
Posted by Anon, in Family on Mar 18th, 2011 | 18 commentsI have three kids under five. A four year old, a two year old and a three month old. I am aware that I have made the choice to have children. I am aware I have made the choice to live where i live. I don’t think I knew how hard this would be. I don’t think I knew what it would be like to live so far from family. I don’t think I knew how relentless it would be to be a stay at home mom. I’m trapped financially because we can’t hire more help and my parents aren’t teh typical grandparent types. I can’t afford the childcare to go back to work. I love my children but its just so hard. I have moments of joy but more moments of stress and lonliness. I’m let down by the conversations of people who have lost their babies. I’ve been the “other” woman and lost two of my best friends because they lost their babies and I didn’t. Not loosing your baby doesn’t mean you have to love every moment of being a mom. I am becoming someone I don’t like. I yell more, I’m more impatient. I try to get exercise, I try to do all of the things I’m supposed to but I’m just drowning.
How do I make it through this?
18 Responses to “ “Struggling to like motherhood… jealous of my husband”
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Reading your post reminds me a little of my situation. It is hard to put on a big smile when you are tired, sleepy, and stressed. All you hear is mommy mommy mommy!! AHHHH!! I know, but it will get easier. Doesn’t mean you don’t get a little nutty during the process, but it does get better. I am sure you are so sleep deprived with a three month old. I remember my eye balls hurting so much from how sleepuy I was with my lil one. There are groups out there to help you. I don’t know where you are, but look up local groups in your local hospitals that support woman like you. Also, if you are in the US, there are states that have programs that pay for school/daycare tuition depending on income. I looked into it here where I live and am goigng to apply when the application comes out next month. Even if you can put one or two in daycare, it will be a lot of help. Have faith, it will get better,
i’m wondering the samething… i’m not a fan who i’ve become because of motherhood and such.. good luck
I have felt the same way! You are not alone. I’ve learned many things. Always take time for yourself everyday. Really, sew or knit or read. Whatever YOU love to do.
Figure out what you can let go for another day. Laundry, dishes, sweeping – It’s okay to let some of it go. Your sanity is more important.
Some areas have mom’s groups and/or babysitting swaps.
Always look towards the future. Your 4 year old will go to kindergarten next year. Eventually the others will too.
And I just finished reading a good parenting book – Screamfree Parenting. You can get it from your library. Basically, learn to realize that your can not control your children or others. You can only control yourself, your emotions, your actions. I’ve been through it all from that’s a stupid idea to yeah it really works. Because yelling definitely doesn’t help with mine. It’s not all lovely dovey about kids either. They have a choice, either do what you ask or there is a consequence.
I’ve been feeling better about my situation recently. Just keep working towards your vision of life. Figure out what works for you and what isn’t working.
This is exactly why I am on this website today. Motherhood is a big trap!! So many women have felt what you and I are feeling today.
I used to be the most patient loving person in the world. Not any more! I am disatisfied and bored with motherhood. I find everything about it numbing. I want my life back I chance at a career. My thoughts and my time to myself.
I feel the exact same way…i love my baby..but i wish i had thought twice about all this
I’m going through the process of deciding if I want children, my eggs aren’t young anymore and I would think my window of my child bearing years are closing in – I’m almost 37.
My other half is against having children and the though of having to start over – if we decide to break up over this scares me.
Also, I don’t know if I want to put my life aside for a little one. I don’t know if I want to 55 with a teenager.
I can really relate to where you are. See if you can find a co-op type of group that you can get involved with. Find a way to get a break for yourself so you can have some time for yourself.
My kids are both in school now, my daughter in 1/2 day kindergarten. Now I can’t even imagine what it will be like next year when they are both gone a full day! If you’d asked me about that 2 years ago I would have laughed and told you I couldn’t wait until they were both in all-day school.
It does get easier as they get older and more independent. They are more able to entertain themselves, they are able to do more for themselves, and when there are no more diapers it’s a freedom like no other! You can do this!!!! You will make it!!!!
Maybe look into getting an antidepressant. See your family doctor and talk to him/her about how you have been feeling. I know that was extremely helpful for me. There is nothing wrong with being depressed and if it will help it is soooo worth it. I was yelling a lot and angry and volitile all the time. The antidepressant really helped me a lot, and I was a calmer, happier mama!
Good luck to you! You CAN do this!!
…apart from having a husband-I hear every word you’re saying..I’ve been told it gets better…we’ll see eh?
Everyone says it gets better and easier as they get older. Sure I’ve noticed it’s a lot less demanding than when they were little babies but I still feel the same negativity about motherhood. No identity, a slave, trapped in a never ending oxymoronic loop of exhaustion and sheer boredom. Can’t make enough money working to pay for childcare, husband on crazy shifts gone 14 hours a day so I can’t even get a stinking part-time job to maybe feel like a human again, never-ending financial stress, no family or friends willing to EVER babysit, no family and friends even living under an hour away. If anyone could have explained how it was really going to be I would have skipped this whole parenting thing in a heartbeat.
I too have done all the things recommended, get out, get exercise, go to Mom’s groups, take time for yourself, etc., etc., and maybe it helps for that one particular day but the next day it’s right back to hating the whole damn thing.
If you can stand the side effects anti-depressants will help. That I say from experience, I actually started being okay with my life and children while I was taking them. But I can’t help feeling there’s got to be a better way than drugs that mess with the chemicals in your brain. So my next attempt at finding a way to accept and be okay with being a SAHM is going to be St. John’s Wort. Even though it causes me to become drowsy I’m going to give it 3 months. No change in 3 months than I’ll throw in the towel and do the antidepressants again even though I can’t stand the side effects and can’t really even afford them.
Give it a try too if you can afford to buy them. Can’t hurt to try. I think we’re all feeling the same: desperate to find something that gets rid of the mom-hating monster inside us.
I feel the same way. Somthing has to give in any situation and up to this point it has been me. Well I can’t take it anymore. I feel if I bend one more inch I am just going to break in half. I have also heard it gets easier. Well, it’s been six years since I had my first, 4 since the second and 19 months since the third. When is it suppose to get easier… with ANY of them? I don’t think it gets easier, people just get use to it and they THINK it got easier. Well, this is something I can’t get use to. I HATE feeling the way I do. I just want to go back to feeling okay, I don’t even need happy at this point, just being okay would be a vast improvement. I am currently in therapy but not medicated this time, although I was after #3 arrived. All I want is some time to myself. I just want to be resposible for wiping my own ass for one day, not mine plus three others. I am burnt out. I need a break. And then when I get back, I need some major help. If you ever find the answer to this horrible dilema please let me know because I am desperate at this point.
I do think there is this perception that we must all love motherhood all the time.
The reality is that many of us struggle with so many aspects of it, and we often feel more guilty, because we do not love it all of the time, and cannot admit it in public or even to our nearest and dearest.
I don’t think it gets easier, I think it gets easier when you start to admit what you struggle with and chat to other moms who are going through the same stuff and realise that the guilt we often carry with us, because we do not feel ‘good enough’ is often what almost drowns us.
There are so many forums and blogs where moms chat honestly, and it does somehow make you feel more ‘normal’ and ‘good enough….’
I’ve read all the comments and I can relate to almost all of you. I don’t know where to start.. I’m married and have more than a handful of kids ranging from 14 to 3 months. My husband is active duty and always gone. 90% of the time I am alone with my kids. It feels so overwhelming @ times. People say play groups and time for yourself, etc. When does that really happen? I have no family (my in laws have never been involved)and no friends within a state of me. I try to tell my husband when he is here and he keeps telling me to be strong and it will pass. It’s like I’m yelling @ the top of my lungs and no one hears me. I am not the best person in the world but I have been through so much already,when does it get easier ? I love my kids with all that I am but I am tired of not even being able to go to the bathroom by myself. Nothing I do is for me. If u asked me what I like to do I wouldn’t even be able to tell you. I have given up on anything for myself.
I feel exactly the same way. My husband is too active duty. I was in for 6 years and got out and the transition from being a military member to military wife is still a struggle even 4 years later. I have 3 kids and of course I love them but I HATE being home. I fight with my husband all the time. I am ALWAYS angry and flip out about the littlest things. My husband tries to help but I get so upset that he doesn’t do this or that right that I go nuts on him. But then again it feels like we are roommates with sometimes benefits. When I talk to him about this its like he doesn’t even hear me. There is no affection, romance, or us time and it doesn’t even seem like he wants us time. He always says he doesn’t think about coming up and giving me a hug. He says he is not an affectionate person. But has no problem giving it to the kids as soon as he gets home. Which is great but while I am yelling at the kids while I am trying to cook and clean a drink off the floor, here he comes in all happy and loving towards the kids and all I get is a nod or a hey. Even when I am affectionate towards him its like he gives me a sigh and can’t be serious about it. I also know about his duties and that he has to work but I also know first hand about his job and that there is a lot of down time where they joke and play around and I hate the fact that he gets this. Then comes home and I am in a bad mood and and he says I am always angry. Well when I am here 24/7 with no breaks and start thinking about having to do it all over again the next day, yeah i am angry. He just doesn’t get how I feel and doesn’t even seem to care what is REALLY going on with me. I try my best with the kids but at this point I am so exhausted and depressed that the only thing i get done during the day is laundry, feeding the kids, and sometimes dinner if I feel up to it.
I am resentful of my husband who passed me up and is now getting his degree. I have not worked since I was pregnant. I am in debt with school loans and bills. My dependence on him and his money drives me insane! I have never let a guy pay for everything, I admit sometimes I enjoy the shopping. But I’m not sure if it is motherhood that has me down more than my husband. The reason I am not out there accomplishing thing left and right is because this baby needs me. In a way I needed him. So I am resentful towards my husband because he does not respect the boundaries I like to put down. I am trying to find my place here. and with a DO IT ALL husband, he makes it hard for me to shine.
I feel you so much! I was there not very long ago. Now, mine are almost 2, 3 1/2, 5 and 7. In some ways it is better, but I still have no time to myself. Did I mention I homeschool as well? I am really questioning the sanity of this decision. Last year was our first year and it was hell. It wasn’t the homeschooling, I loved that, it was doing it with 2 toddlers. My house was always a wreck, I felt like a failure, but here I am about to repeat this again. I must have lost my mind. Also, you know how stay-at-home mommyhood sucks the life and the feeling of purpose and meaning right out of you? I felt that way too. My husband has zero understanding or sympathy and tells me all the time how good I have it and that I should be greatful to be able to do what I do. Also, he adds more work to my already very full plate, so with everything I have NO time to accomplish any goals outside of mommyhood and wifedom. I am beginning to think that I need to take antidepressants to get through another day.
I am so glad I found this blog. My husband and I tried for 2 years before we were able to get pregnant, and it was the happiest time of our lives! I loved being pregnant! I found out I was pregnant at 8 weeks. I started my mat leave a month before my due date. However, my son decided to arrive 5 days later! After over 23 hours of labor (which really wasn’t that bad, I didn’t mind at all) the doctors decided to do a c-section. When my son was bron, he was having problems breathing and had a hole in his lung. I got to see him, but not hold or touch him, and they took him by ambulance to another city where they have a great NICU. For the next few days, my husband drove back and forth between me in one city at one hospital, and my son in another city at another hospital. When I finally got released (which was a good day sooner than I should have been) my husband drove me to meet my son. I could touch him, but was not allowed to hold him or even rub is hand as it was too much stimulation. Finally after 6 days old, I got to hold him for the first time! After 2 more days, we got to take him home. I struggled with breastfeeding, was on medication to try and help, but after 7 weeks I just couldn’t do it…I was feeding him 11 times in a 24 hour period AND bottlefeeding him after each and every feeding. I got to the point where I almost resented him. I stopped breast feeding and things got better. My son is now almost 6 months old, but I don’t feel like I am a good mom, he frustrates me, stresses me, and when he cries or fusses I want nothing to do with him. My husband and my mother are worried so I will be going to the doctor this week. I love my son, but even when he is happy now, I would rather someone else be taking care of him. I’m happy to know I am not the only one feeling this way, I think a lot of my feelings have to do with the tramatic birth experience, and the separation. I hope something changes, I don’t think motherhood should be like this.
i am so grateful to have found this thread – lately i feel like being a mother was one of the biggest regrets i’ve had. it’s not that i don’t love my daughter, it’s just the situation i’m in now – i wake up, handle my daughter and go to work. then i come home, have my dinner and put my daughter to bed. then i do more work. i have no social life, and i’ve given up hoping i’ll have a memorable career.
i know there are other people out there who probably have it worse, but i can’t help but feel jealous of the ones that are just SO lucky.
my daughter’s just turned two, my husband travels a lot (we’re lucky if we see him six months out of the year, i reckon. it’s probably more like three.) my mom looks after my daughter while i work, but i know she’s doing it reluctantly, which makes me feel guilty. at work, i do the job of three people so i’m constantly stressed out.
sometimes i start to wonder – what’s the point?
I’m glad I came across this post (a little late). I am really at a low point too. My kids are clingy and moody. They both are also really poor sleepers and we co-sleep. Therefore I get woken up around 10x a night. I understand that older kids have their challenges too but I am ready for a change. Mine are 5 and almost 2. The 5 yo has gotten a lot easier to deal with so maybe the time will come for the little one. I just want to be able to plan my day better!! Even if it’s 95% kid – centered!! At least I would know when that 5% was coming up! But my kids are so clingy and moody that it’s even hard for me to get them interested in toys so I can clean the kitchen! And I don’t want to live in a messy house, that makes me depressed. I know I will get over this but it’s hard, really hard.