Not even sad

My mum told me my dad has bone cancer. All I could think was: he deserved it. I know I’m supposed to feel guilty about thinking like that, but I just can’t. He ruined my life. He made me into who I am today. A coward. A worthless idiot. I feel so bad.

9 thoughts on “Not even sad

  1. Thank you all for your comments and stories. They’re very insightful and given me a lot to think about.

    Take care everyone.

  2. My mom spent a year bleeding and ignoring it, getting angry at me for strongly urging her to see a doctor. She finally did and it turned out she had uterine cancer. Chemo did nothing, it spread to her brain. Through all of this I wound up being the caregiver, sleeping 4 hours a night, not having a life. I was excessively exercising and even that didn’t help, so I started cutting. After she died, I went into therapy, where I learned that sometimes one or both parents “break” one of their children so he/she will be their caregiver when they get old. Sometimes it’s an only child. They damage the childs’ self esteem. If they can’t forbid dating, they make it difficult. No date is worthy. They can even sabotage the childs’ ability to earn a living. I’d come home from school around 8-9 PM to find every pot burned and dirty from dinner, not even food I eat, so leftovers had to be put away. I’d wind up spending 2 hours cleaning up, then be too exhausted to do anything but crash. I’d get up early in the morning to shower before going to school, only to find she was in the bathtub! Even though I had a 2 hour commute and had to make the connecting mass transit to avoid being late, she would say she’s getting out, but take an hour to leave the bathroom! There are so many other ways they do it. Looks like you were the designated caregiver. I want you to know that it isn’t your fault, even if you made bad decisions. I was so down on myself when I started therapy. My therapist told me that, from what I had told her about growing up, and living with my parents that she would have been surprised had I done anything or even thought differently. Everything you have gone through with your parents, has made you the person you are today. But it isn’t a done deal. Get therapy. Cognitive therapy is the best for helping you to move forward, while helping you to understand how you got there. Many places have sliding scale therapy, and sometimes in newspapers (like the Village Voice in NYC) there are ads seeking people for research therapy. I got into one where they were testing the efficacy of group and individual therapy for borderline personality disorder (a disorder which comes about through nurture, as in the same individual, if raised differently, wouldn’t be suffering from it), some patients with a daily antidepressant, some with a placebo. This was in effect for a year, and I learned so much! You can be better. You can learn to not be down on yourself, and even make real steps toward having a life. You can learn not to let your dad get to you. What you don’t mention is that you likely also have some anger towards your mom for not protecting you, even for staying with your dad. Therapy. It works and is so worth it, as long as you get the right therapist. If it doesn’t gel with the one you get, request another. Good therapists won’t hold it against you. You’ve got maybe half a century of living ahead of you. Wouldn’t you like to live it successful and happy with yourself?

  3. It’s okay not to care. Don’t feel bad. Not everyone desires grief. Your victory will take place when you realize you can move past how he made you feel. Let the past go and rebuild. Your eloquent and honest confession indicates to me you’re not coward or an idiot. And learn to savour and enjoy life’s simple things like a good sunset, movie or conversation with a stranger.

  4. Hey, I feel the same about my father, he had gotten blood cancer, and all he does, is sits on his butt and plays video games,, or he sleeps, thing is he has no job, nor no car, therefore making my mother do all the work, and he wants me home all the time to nothing, but being lonely. I especially hate him for making me feel this way, it even put me through depression, and cutting, but of coarse with other things happening as well

  5. I know how you feel. My dad is slowly withering away from dementia. The only thing that upsets me is how much he annoys me now. I can’t wait until I can throw him in a nursing home. He’s spent my entire life only being in the picture when it’s convenient for him, and when that is, all he does is belittle, insult, and verbally abuse me. He’s always been a miserable, critical, physically abusive friend and relative to everyone else who has had the misfortune to know him. When he dies, I’ll feel relieved.

  6. I don’t know exactly the story with your father, but I hope that my experience may help you a bit. I am the fifth kid out of 6 children that my parents had. I’m 40 years old now, married with 2 kids on my own. My dad was a decent man in society but an alcoholic and aggressive person when drunk. And he was drunk almost every evening. I was only 5 years old when one evening he asked me: ” If I was a STRANGER and I would beat your mum what would you do?”. In my innocence I said that I would hit him in the head. His face changed in an instance, he slapped me simultaneously with both hands over my face and lift me up at his eyes level holding my ears and hair in his hands. I was shaking and my pants ans shoes were drenched with my own urine. All my childhood I was sleeping with my head under the pillow when he was drunk and completely covered with the blanket hopping that my mum would manage to take him to bed. And as a kid I was saying to myself that when I will grow up and have my own kids, they will not know what fear of a drunk father is. When I reached 18 I found a job in a city about 500 km from home, then later I left the country and migrated to Australia. I went home rarely, once couple of years, then my mum passed away in 2006, and I didn’t go home so see my father until 2013, and I was calling him once a year. Last year he passed away and even though I thought that I don’t care he left a void in my heart and a lot of regret. Being the son of an drunken, abusive father you would presume that I would be a drug addict, coward, self esteemed and a total failure. But that’s not the case, because a made a choice to be different from my father. I found my courage in my fears, and got my strenght from my weaknesses.I have a good career, my wife doesn’t know about violence and my kids are not afraid to see me drinking a beer. I’ve been married for 16 years and my family never saw me drunk because this is what I’ve promised to myself when I was a frightened kid. I forgave my father but I wish I would have done it earlier, I wish I would have spoke with him, giving him a chance to make things right, I wish I would have hugged him and show him that I love him. Don’t be stubborn in your pain and hate, chose to be a better man, to do things right from your part and chose to be different. Don’t let him die before making peace with him,… don’t feel anything now but you will regret it later.
    I wish somebody told me that earlier. Find your strenght to be a better person. Don’t think that you are a coward, the greatest courage comes out of intense fear and only you can steer it towards good.

  7. I had a step mother who I hated too. She ended up killing herself. I was happy until I realized how it affected my dad, who I love. I know how you feel.

  8. Why not forgive your father and move on with your life. Surely he didn’t singlehandedly ruin your life. Therapy would also be a great option. Please allow yourself to heal.

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