my family sucks…

I have two boys 15 months & 8 years old none of my family has anything to do with me or them my mother lives 15 minutes from me but never stops by to see them or to call & ask about them. Me & my mother are on speaking terms in fact we’re rather friendly to each other but why doesn’t she care about my boys? I have a 17 year old daughter who she helped me raise becuz I was in high school when I had her, she’s over there every weekend & all summer but it’s like Molly is her only grandchild. My boys are not the only ones beingleft out all of my sister’s kids are the same it’s like Molly is the “chosen grandchild” sometimes it makes me hate my mother when I look into my sons eye & know he doesn’t have her in his life I feel so sad for him for them more so for the 8 year old becuz he knows she doesn’t care. She’s not a bad person, but once she told me not too long ago that she likes girls alot more than she likes boys & can’t relate to boys as well as she relates to girls well I think that’s total bullshit. I grew up with 2 other sisters I don’t have a brother or men in my life besides my husband but I raise my boys just fine. I didn’t need a handbook to tell me how to play with them or love them, it just came naturally like it does with her & girls. I don’t know why it bothers me so much it just does. maybe becuz there other grandmother lives so far away. How can I beat it in her head that she has 2 adorable loving grandsons 15 minutes away that wants her in thier life?

2 thoughts on “my family sucks…

  1. I’m sorry to hear about your mother’s lack of interest in all the boys in your family. That must be really hurtful to you and the kids. You asked “How can I beat it in her head that she has 2 adorable loving grandsons … “. Well, as hurt and angry as you are, don’t beat it into her. Instead sit down with her to discuss her feelings and yours, not in an angry way, but in a calm and controlled manner. I realize that such a discussion could get emotional for you, but it will be important to not accuse your mother which will just put her on the defensive.

    Start the discussion in a positive light. Tell her how much you appreciate that she’s involved in your daughter’s life and what it means to you and your daughter that she shows her so much love and acceptance. Then ask her why she never shows any interest in your boys. She’ll probably give you the answer you heard recently about not relating to boys etc. That’s fine. Repeat her reason(s) back to her, and then ask her “Is that right?” She’ll probably say “Yes, that’s right.”

    At this point you’ve accomplished two things: you’ve shown her appreciation for her good behavior with Molly, and you’ve shown her that you understand her lack of interest in the boys. You called her reason “bullshit”, but frankly if you’re ever going to get her to come around you’ll need to acknowledge her feelings as valid. And find out any other concerns she has. Ask the open-ended question “What else bothers you about boys?” Now address her further concerns as valid with understanding and patience, and let her know that you understand how it would be more difficult for her to relate to boys (seriously, it is understandable for some people). Try to stay calm and patient, if only for the sake of your boys.

    You might be reading my response and asking yourself “Why in the hell should I have to do any of this? My mother should just care about my boys and make the effort without having to be asked, persuaded, cajoled, begged ….” You’d have a really good point, but the fact is in the 8 years that your first son has been alive she hasn’t and if you really want her to, then having this discussion may help. At the very least, it may help you and your boys to understand your mother and start to move on if she simply won’t respond.

    Okay, now you’ve established a better understanding of your mother’s feelings and validated them to her, and hopefully you’ve let your mother do most of the talking and things have remained calm and not accusatory. Now you need to express that you’d like for her to be a part of the boys’ lives. Tell her that you understand that her relationship with the boys may never be like it is with your daughter, but that’s okay, they’re boys and it will be different. Explain to her the value to her that having the boys in her life would mean. Your boys are wonderful kids, right? Explain all the ways that her getting to know the boys would make her life even better. Let her know that establishing a relationship with the boys now is important because someday they’ll grow up and move on and that opportunity will move on with them. Finally, tell her how much it would mean to you and the boys if she made a genuine effort, but let her know that if it simply is not in her heart that you’d rather she didn’t “fake it.” Thank her for listening to you and for her understanding.

    Good luck and I hope that things work out.

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