My ex called me about my son
Posted by j21 in Family on Dec 5th, 2009 | 6 commentsI have an 11 yr old & a 7 yr old, both boys, with my ex wife. My ex wife called me crying hysterically. She said that her 6 yr old daughter (of whom she had with the guy she’s with now) told her that my 11 yr old got on top of her and started rubbing himself on her. She also said that he told her not to tell mom. When my ex confronted my son, he first lied, then when he saw that she was crying, he confessed that he did. When she asked why, he told her because he had seen it on t.v. I could not believe what I was hearing. I asked to talk to him on the phone. He was crying and I told him, in a calm but stern voice, to stop crying and to pay very close attention. I first told him that his mom and I loved him very much. That he was not a bad person, however that what he had done was very bad. I asked him if it was true and he cried out that it was. I asked him why, and he told me because he had seen it on t.v. I asked him if anyone had ever done that to him and he told me no.
I don’t know what to do or to believe. He has never shown any signs of having these kinds of thoughts and up till now he seemed like a very good kid. Good grades in school and no complaints from his teachers ever.
Even though we are divorced and I live in another city about 3 hours away. I go down to see my kids and family about 2-3 times a month. I do things with my sons everytime I go down there. We go on camping trips. We go swimming, to the museums, to the amusement parks, to the movies, etc. I love them to death and would give my life infinity times over for them. I am lost and don’t know what to do at this point.
My ex wife hit him at that moment that she found out, which I told her was not a good move, but I understood how she felt. It terrifies me that there is a chance that someone has abused my son when I haven’t been around and he thinks this is normal behavior, and the fact that he told the little girl not to tell their mom tells me that he knows that what he was doing was wrong.
My mom has recommended us taking him to a child psychologist. I just don’t know what to do at this point.
I’m thinking of quitting my job and moving back closer to my kids.
6 Responses to “ “My ex called me about my son”
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Don’t over react. He’s probably coming into puberty earlier than most, and without “that talk” or other proper guidance in his life about this topic he’s learning on his own. – and the hard way.
At that age he just needs to be taught from right or wrong. It sounds, by the way he’s responded, that it’s impacted him in a way he’s learned – I wouldn’t push it any further.
He, nor anyone else will ever forget entirely, but if you remind him too much, especially for too long, at that age, he’ll close up on all other topics too.
Let him believe it’s over. He’ll never make the mistake again.
As for moving closer to him? I sure would. Obviously he needs a real father in his life who he can look up to and share strange feelings with verbally instead of acting them out to see what its like.
Good luck. – I’ve been through some strange one’s too… – And yes, both my kids turned out great!
Hmm…judging by these comments, you are probably the only one with children that has been through similar situations. Just needed to vent, but turns out it was some movies he had seen at a friends house. We already had a good talk with him and have moved on. As for the other comments on why I live so far from my kids, well, one must live in another’s shoes to understand….thanx to all for your comments.
Hopefully he is not being molested. If he is not, it is very possible he learned the behavior from watching it on tv. when I was little my three older brothers would try and experiment with me in the same way. They were not being molested but they had found playboy magazines in the house and they had watched rated R movies on TV. Television and such images do impact children and it makes them want to experiment with that they see on tv. You have to pay attention to what children watch. Also you should focus on his half sister who he did it to. I never told my parents and even though I’m an adult now it still effects me that I was taken advantage in that way. She needs the support too.
“I’m thinking of quitting my job and moving back closer to my kids.” You think?! Um, why would you THINK about this?!?! Do it immediately! Even if he wasn’t abused, he NEEDS his dad in his life. Being 3 hours away is not being in his life. Go to your kids. Be a dad.
How pathetic you are! Your son sexually assaults his little sister and there is not one shred of concern for her in what you posted. That little girl was victimized by your spawn and you clearly don’t care one whit about how she is handling this. You THINK you should move closer to your son? Really? Here’s a thought: DO IT ALREADY! And perhaps stop thinking a bit less about yourself or your precious little future rapist and more about the people he will hurt if he isn’t helped NOW.
Oh, and kudos to your ex wife for smacking him one. Rest assured I would’ve done the same to my son had he molested a younger child and THEN had him immediately taken to the psych ward to be evaluated.
Honey honey honey…calm down…it’s totally normal. Kids experiment and usually with friends or strangly enough siblings. Your poor son needs to be spoken to and told that his mother completely OVER REACTED. Yes he needs to be spoken to and told that what he did is not to happen again. But he also needs to be told that the feelings he is experiencing are normal and have the “birds and the bees” talk. If you negatively react to this too badly then he will associate sexaul feelings as bad and will repress them in fear of your family’s reaction. He will think that what he did is molestation and the stigma will stick with him forever. Your ex wife needs to appologise to him and explain that she over reacted. He propbably thinks that mummy thinks he is a monster. The little girl will believe her brother touched her and he is a bad person if you are not too careful… and she too will remember the adults reaction than the incident. It is good that she told her mother straight away, which probably shows that it was the first time this has happened. You have to becareful not to blur the lines between naughty childhood experimentation and molestation.
Child psychology come on. By putting him into therapy you teach him that what he did is VERY wrong. You also make him think there is something wrong with him. Try talking to your children before you have otheres do it. Your reaction to this shapes his life experience…how quickly we all forget own own childhood, those feelings and the games of doctors and nurses.
You sound like a loving and caring father…but yes your boys need you to be closer. If he is being abused (which it doesn’t sound like) then he is more likly to open up to you than his mother after all this. As for BIG MEANIE…what a total fool. Future rapist indeed. People like that threaten the survival of our species…good luck.