My older sister has anger problems that make it impossible to have a close, trusting relationship. She goes crazy, like a feral animal, screaming and clawing, and screeching hateful bitter words at anyone who even seems to be opposing her. The entire family lives in fear of setting her off. She might seem ashamed of herself later, but she never tries to make it right or ask for forgiveness. She’s graduated college and has finally moved out of the house, but it’s still a problem whenever she’s with family.
We’re eighteen months apart; we grew up together, even more than usual since we were homeschooled and lived in an isolated rural area. It’s indescribably painful to be so intimately tied to someone that has hurt me deeply and repeatedly.
I love her, but I can’t forgive her. I’ve ended up pretty screwed up, too, and I know I’ll never feel adequate as a human being, because my big sister hates me. My helplessness eats at me. I’m too small to fix this. I want her to, but I know she can’t either. I’m tired, and frustrated, and angry, and hurt, and lonely. I wish I could just let it go, but I can’t. It’s slowly killing me.