I don’t like being a parent.
Posted by Farufaru in Family on May 20th, 2010 | 47 commentsDon’t get me wrong, I love my daughter. I love my wife. I think they’re both great and make my life better.
But I don’t like parenting. I don’t care for it, I don’t want to be part of it. If I had the money I would probably leave her, pay the child support, and be content.
As it is, I hope that I can one day make enough money to have a full-time Nanny in, so that I don’t have to be involved with the obligations of parenting, and just enjoy the benefits.
Being a parent has just left me frustrated and unhappy. I don’t regret my daughter, but I do regret agreeing to become a parent.
I should have trusted my own judgement years ago and stuck with remaining child-free. I was happier, and frankly, I was a better person for it, then. Better for myself, the people I love, and the world around me.
Now I’m just… angry, frustrated, annoyed, bothered, all the time. I love my daughter, but I don’t want to be bothered by her.
I don’t think I’m going to be a very good dad. -.-
47 Responses to “ “I don’t like being a parent.”
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wow..nope..ur gunnabe a very bad father. growup already u selfish ****
I dont really think you are selfish. A lot of people get them selfs into these situations and really regret it and there isnt one parent out there that maybe had second thoughts after it was too late.
being a father and a husband is a very big task and very big responsibility, i know this because I am a father/husband too. I felt that before, i want to be free again. do things i love. but i realized, these are temporarily. i don’t want to be alone or growing old alone. this is a new chapter of your life. don’t destroy your is just because you want to satisfy your needs, selfish but its true. look beyond, then ask yourself is this what i really want?
Hold on, you won’t be lonely if you cultivate a relationship with your wife……Why does it ALWAYS have to be about the kids. My wife taught me this and I am forever thankful and in love with her.
I like bratskis comment. :)
Youre not even a good freaking human being. That child will be so much better off if you just abandon her now. This way she can’t see with her own eyes the sorry excuse of a human being you are. That dog turds have more character and moral fiber than you.
I have 6 children and I CHEERFULLY provided for them and spent time with them and raised them. And now 21 plus years later I am reaping the benefits of many many grand children who love me and cry when the parents takes them to go home. Not once did I want to be without them, they were part of ME!!!!
Your sorry butt needs to grow up and more importantly MAN UP!!!!
Yes. Your response is correct, because we’re all made the same.
At least the poster admits that he’s unhappy. Perhaps you’ve been brainwashed – maybe you should see a shrink, sicko! SIX kids?! I’m glad that it’ll be your grandkids and great-grandkids starving in a dystopian future. There are already wars being fought over WATER. Yes, water. How impossibly SELFISH is it to have so many, when there aren’t enough resources on the planet to comfortably support us?
Oh wow….good for you! Grandfather of the year!!!!!
Meanwhile, some of us don’t enjoy this role. Be a troll somewhere else.
Oh c’mon bubear50. The guy hasn’t run out on his family. He has *fantasized* about it, but he hasn’t done it. If anything, he appears to be struggling to fulfill his obligations, even if he isn’t enjoying it … which is the perfect embodiment of “manning-up”, as you put it.
I’m happy to hear that you have found and continue to find so much fulfillment with your family. But it really doesn’t take much manning-up to stay in a situation that is, on the whole, already pleasurable. If anything, he might be doing a better job of manning-up — of putting his needs behind those of his family, and by sticking it out through an unpleasant situation — than any guy who talks about how wonderful and pleasant family life is.
Give the guy some credit for not skipping out. If anything, you should be encouraging him to continue to “man-up” and to find ways to make life more pleasant for himself, his wife, and his daughter.
wow..nope..ur gunnabe a very bad father. growup already u selfish ****
Who said life was going to be easy? Who said life was going to be fair…this child did not ask to be here.
Suck it up and do what you have to do, as a parent.
I won’t say anything more than your comment makes me sad. I am a single mother of a beautiful 2yr old girl. She practically idolizes her dead beat dad. I can’t understand why she doesn’t bring as much joy to his life as she brings to mine. He’s a hopeless alcoholic and a patholigical liar, but the fact that she loves him to death keeps me pushing him to see her. Is there something wrong with your daughter where she has an emotional/mental problem? I can understand how that could feel like a burden. otherwise, you should probably seek the help of a counselor to sort out your feelings. Is your daughter an infant? If so, you could just have some post partum daddy depression. Maybe you’re missing your old life. Never regret a child. A father is a very important strong-hold for little girls. How she is treated by you is what she will seek out in men when she is old enough. I pray that you do what is right and be the very best father you possibly can be. Good Luck!
I usually don’t post or reply to things, but I searched for this topic, found it and read all of the posts… I am recently divorced, she trapped me when she said she was on the pill but stopped taking it, now I have a 3 year old son, who is a perfect lil boy, but I don’t, didn’t want to have kids or be a parent. Now I am stuck, I should be happy but I miss my Freedom… I still love to party and long for those days in Miami or Vegas etc. Love to go out and have fun without commitment and responsibility, I KNOW I am immature and selfish… I also know that I am not young anymore (30) but still feel that is what I want… On the other side, I have a stable job and provide a good home by the beach for my son, I have him Tuesdays and every other weekend… So, I do get free time but I do feel anchored financially and in regard to travel… I have to schedule things every other weekend and usually don’t anymore bc I am tired or feel the need to save $ for him and add to savings so I can provide. I had great parents and feel that I am parenting out of a sense of responsibility but it scares me to death to think I will be taking care of him for years to come, and my commitment will only grow with time… That my “life has changed forever” and it “will never be the same” I guess that is called regret, I do resent him, I hope it will get better, I do not know what the payoff or benefit is? Don’t get me wrong though, we do have tons of fun together, @ the beach disney, chuck e cheese, duck park, playground, playing ball etc. By all accounts I am a lucky man, good kid, girlfriend, house on the beach, good job… As I am writing this I am realizing, that everyone has problems and it is human nature to want what we can’t have I guess, just feels weird getting old, being out of my “prime” and having all these knew responsibilities… when all I want to do is be waking up in Vegas hungover with some good stories to tell and a wad of winnings in my pocket… (a dream I know) So help me, How does one “grow up”? How does one find joy in doing something one does not really want to do or never wanted to do? Your right “my life will never be the same” all I can do is the best I can with what I got, seems impossible to turn my back on my son, maybe a nanny, maybe just 1 weekend a month? (felt weird to write) I will not have more kids, maybe I should be thankful for the perfect one I have and double down and truly truly make the best of it… I have 15 years to go I guess, but wish I didn’t look at it that way… It felt so good to write this and I know “it” no matter what it is, is going to be ok…
I just want to say to the original man and father and to the others on this board: I understand and it really is going to be okay.
Parenting is an overwhelming and yes, burdensome responsibility for all of us and it is a very difficult adjustment and it sounds to me like you’re doing all you can and frankly, that’s all that can be expected of any of us: our best at any given moment.
You will come to love parenting more as the child gets older, it’s just that when they are babies and so dependent, men are not made to find that stage interesting but when they start talking and wanting to throw a ball with you and how purely, unconditionally they will demonstrate their love for you and take such pure joy from merely being in the same room with you … well, then you will enjoy parenting more.
It’s okay to hate stages of parenting … its breathtaking how horribly hard it can be and how miserable a time it can be at times but, this too shall pass.
Keep doing the right thing, fathers … you don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be you.
Hang in there and keep moving forward :)
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Wow – what incredibly unhelpful comments this is getting.
I can completely understand the sorry dad’s feelings. I love my boys and would be terribly heartbroken if I was away for them. I would die for them in an instant – but dying for your kids is easy. It’s living for them that’s hard.
My wonderful relationship with my wife went south as soon as we had kids. No more laughing and playing together, almost zero sex. It’s all about getting through the day and catering to screaming kids. I’m doing my best to be a good dad, but a weekend doesn’t go by without fantasizing about how things used to be.
I’m glad that it’s easy for some people out there, but it’s not easy for all of us. Blasting a person for how they feel is incredibly unhelpful. Better to look to how they behave.
I read recently that loving your children is less about the feeling and more about the commitment. As much as I don’t enjoy the day to day of fatherhood – I’m still here, doing the best that I can and being the best father that I can. I think that’s what’s important. There are certainly moments that are good, but in balance I think it sucks – but its my job and my kids will never know how I feel.
I want to have more sex with my wife. I want to get away from the cult of parenthood where everything is about sippy cups and diapers and nurturing. I want to watch a movie or a ball game on a Saturday without worrying about setting a bad example with too much tv.
Maybe it will get better when they get a little older and don’t need 24/7 attention.
I don’t think any of my feelings are bad, unusual, or even make me a bad father. They are what they are.
I agree with this Dad. Not all men are nurturing. Men who crave freedom and independence will find parenting and fatherhood to be very, very difficult. Your life as you knew it before is gone forever once the kids arrive and you have to accept this and find new joys. I myself have found that very difficult to do.
I feel exactly the same as Sammy does. Parethood is very,very demanding and is so draining. I do my very best and would like to think I do nearly as much as my wife (work time excluded)but it’s hard. I love my boy but I do think on reflection it was a mistake to have a child. My life is now one of zero happiness,constant work, frustration, worry,stress and general agitation.
Oh God yes!
I agree with theese guys. I wish I could have at least three hours more of sleep. I’m a zombie. No fun at all. Theese poeple who make having kids as the best thing on earth are on crack. It’s just not me.
Don’t get me wrong I’m doing my duty and doing it well but damn I think it was a mistake for me.
I was just discussing this with my husband last night. We have 3 children, 4 and under. I am miserable pretty much all the time. One thing I noticed is the desire expressed for more sex. I have to say, after all the physicality involved in being a parent, the LAST thing in want is sex. I feel that it is an imposition. I want to sleep. I want to be not touched. I want to be sovereign in my own body. It actually annoys me when my husband impinges on my sleep (so deprived all the time!) for sex. I feel that it is selfish of him. The stress and work of parenting kills my sex drive. It doesn’t seem to have that effect on men. Sometimes I feel that men’s limbs could be dangling from their bodies and they would still want to have sex. Any insights, gentlemen?
You really need to take a page from my wife…..Life is about our relationship. the kids come 2nd…….She is the best.
It’s definitely a big step to take to be able to confess that you are not enjoying the Parenting Journey.
Judgment aside, the truth is – you now ARE a parent. And now that you are one, you have choices, albeit limited, in how you want to go about it: You can choose to enjoy the process, or you can reduce yourself down to regret, which is going to hurt you more than anyone else.
You deserve joy, and so do your wife and daughter. Learn to make time for yourself – you are obviously running on empty. Figure out what helps you replenish yourself. Make those moments that you miss from your old life a reality – but keep in mind that these are small ways of “rewarding” yourself for being present and available to your daughter.
If you can afford it, seek out Parent Coaching – for the sake of YOUR LIFE and your daughters. Isn’t that the whole thing about maturing into a responsible adult? You deserve joy and so do your family. I wish you all the best in creating that happiness.
I agree with you Sammy.
I think that we who choose to be (or get chosen to be) parents have a difficult path, but IF we pay attention, there is SO much for us to learn as human beings. There are lessons in every act of parenting. The lessons are almost never for the children, they are for us as the parents who get to mature through growing up for our kids. Yes it’s hard. Yes there are many days where it is harder that I can even believe… but I have learned SO much about myself. I have matured. I have had to find a way to make it through… NOT find a way to wait till it’s over. Adjust your perception. Get help. Take CARE or yourself. Find a way to be what you are meant to be. Not just for your child but for yourself. It’s amazing what you can become when you stop flailing in the dwowning pool and learn to breathe water. Just surrender to it. Kids are our teachers.
Wow… as bad as I hate to admit it and as unusual as it might seem. I am a mother who loves her children, but doesn’t enjoy parenting day to day either! The early years 0-3 were easier for me . Its the social and emotional stuff that I find so exhausting!! I think anyone considering having a child should spend some adequate time with various families that have children of various ages and really see for yourself what the experience is like! I think so many of us get starry eyed about the conception of a “baby”but don’t realize you are having a child, adolescent and adult. I don’t think having children is for everyone and I wish more people would consider the real implications of what the experience will really mean in their lives! Know yourself and be true to your real desires. You can’t return a baby like you would a puppy or kitten that you may change your mind about. Having a child is a forever life changing event. Be prepared!!
You have to read a book called ‘I’m OK You’re a Brat’ by Susan Jeffers. She knows exactly what the OP is talking about.
I really do feel for you. I can relate to everything you say. I love my kids, each one of them. They are so full of life and bring so much joy, but at the same time they bring stress, heartache, and constantly make you question all of your own abilities. Each child has their own personality and their own flaws, just the same as you and me & every person posting positive & negative comments here. We dont get to choose our personilities or our flaws or those of our children. Thats the toughest part of being a parent, learning to live with others even if they are not the perfect fit.
Unlike many of the comments here, I don’t feel what you are saying is completley selfish. You miss the ‘me’ time. The times where you could do things that made you realize how much you love living. Now everything you do is in small steps with the overlooming question about concequenes. You are being forced into a change of life where you loose options & abilities but the expectations of you are much higher. Its a constant tug of war and often its hard to tell whos the one doing the pulling.
I can’t tell you how to enjoy being a parent, because honestly I admittly struggle with the same issue, but I can tell you this:
The world is against you. Not personally, but because society puts so much on things (how one should act, what one should own, ones role in life, etc.) and leaves so little room for simple things like your childs smile, a family breakfast, a friendly wave, or even a boss who treats you fairly. Its so easy to lash out and entertain anger, but its almost impossible to respond in true kindness. That’s the reality of your situation. Please don’t try to read to much into this and think that your problems are caused by everyone else, because that’s not the whole truth either.
Here is what I suggest, take a step back and really look at yourself, your family, your position in life. Really take some time and note all the simple things in life that make your heart smile. try not to fret over stupid things, like a poor attitude, or traffic jams, or a disagreement. Just try it for a week or two, go out each morning determined not to be easily angered. Use the simple things in your life to override that anger. Think about things like your daughters smile, or watching your wife, or even someone you bumped into on the way to work who used manners. Think about how great those things truly are. Then spend the next week noting life as usually, things that bother you, etc. Take some time to really look into yourself and decide if the simple things were better than the bothersome. Decide for yourself if things as you know it now are better than being able to enjoy the simpler things in life. I bet you will find that its those simple things that have you posting online, reaching for some hope, rather than taking dramatic steps and loosing your child & wife. I know for me, if I didnt enjoy the smiles, the hugs, the comments only children can make, the embraces that only my husband can give to make the world so much better, I would have left a long time ago. Parenting is not a dream job by far, in all honestly, its the hardest thing you will probably do. But in the end, its the one that reaps the most benefits.
I wish you the best. God bless
Actually, as parents, being the majority…the world is MADE FOR YOU. Society isn’t against you – IT SUPPORTS YOUR DECISION TO BREED.
There. Fixed that for you. :D
thank you, momof5, i really needed to read this. i have two boys (a tween and a kindergartener)and am about to be a single parent while DH is deployed to middle east for 6 – 9 months. today is just one of those days where the thought of walking away from it all just seems so appealing…
but i know that in my heart, i couldn’t leave. the smiles, the hugs, definitely help, and it is a matter of choosing to enjoy the small things. God is in the small things.
and fwiw, for all the other weary parents who chance on this: this time a year ago, i was certain that my youngest would NEVER figure out how to go the bathroom, and he’s doing fine now. my oldest absolutely refused to learn to tie his shoes, balked about it for Years…and now it’s all about converse shoes, lol. Lord, give us strength :)
I am a mom, I get it. I wish I would have had an abortion. I fatasize about leaving her, and lving my life for me and only me. I dont thinkn ill be a good mom either.
Please – give her up for adoption, or surrender her to a friend/relative, or to the state.
I can tell you – from experience – that living with a parent that RESENTS you is excruciatingly painful. It still hurts, even when you’re 27.
If you have to “woman up” or “man up” or “fake it til you make it” – then know that it’s an uphill battle.
We aren’t all the same. I know, instinctively, that there are women out there that don’t love their children, and wish they never had them. If this is you, for pete’s sake – find someone to love that child, and give them up. For the child.
And then go out and get yourself sterilized, or use birth control FAITHFULLY – so you don’t end up in this godforsaken situation again.
Beware of the lunatics who show up on these kind of discussion boards and start telling everyone to put their children up for adoption. They are a creepy bunch. Ignore them.
I think ‘are you kidding me?’, you will be as good a mother as any of the rest of us and although the abortion comment is painful to read, we all fantasize about leaving. It’s just a fantasy.
Please don’t ever tell your child you wished you never had her, that would be a terrible thing to do.
I hope you feel better as time goes by.
A couple different things that need to be untangled from each other:
Whether or not you love your kid isn’t really the central issue. Even if it was the central issue, there’s no way anyone could MAKE you love your daughter even if you didn’t love her. You can’t just make yourself love someone you don’t. You can’t just make yourself enjoy something you don’t enjoy. There’s no need to defend yourself by saying you love them.
The people who think love by itself will make everything work out are living in a fairy tale.
Being a good parent is not the same thing as enjoying being a parent. Enjoying parenthood helps, but it’s not necessary. There are lots of clueless people who get their kicks from being parents but are really sucky parents. Others don’t really enjoy their kids but put in the grueling work out of a sense of responsibility.
Regret is not the end of the world. It’s a feeling like any other — when you give it all the power, it takes over. Regret is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s an honest, real feeling. But, that doesn’t mean it has to rule your life for the rest of your life.
Being responsible for your children’s welfare is not necessarily the same thing as raising them. Maybe the people who you hire to raise them will be better than you would be at raising them. Who says that the biological parents are always the best people to raise children?
I would like to thank all the parents for their honesty. i hesitate at the thought of having kids simply because I have a strong feeling that it is not all it is cracked up to be. The only parents who seem truly thankful to have children are the ones who say ” I would be dead if I hadn’t had kids”…well I am already responsible and don’t engage in risky behavior- I don’t need any life changing event to force me to grow up. And since it is taboo for a parent to share their feelings of regret, you never hear about this side of parenthood. All we see are the parents on the news who end up killing their kids, and no one can relate to that so the sentiments behind that choice are disregarded. To hear perfectly educated, sane, rational parents discuss their true feelings is refreshing. My friends and family members come across as cultish and delusional to me. They all say these cookie cutter statements of bliss but I knew them pre-baby, and now them seem deeply miserable. Vacant eyes, dead smiles, jealous remarks about my freedom, etc. Yet they say to me I should hurry up and become a parent, too. Some people consider you to be strange if you are a woman who isn’t sure about becoming pregnant. I find it strange when women are so gung ho about it…I feel they don’t have a true sense as to what it really means.
This is all very interesting. I am a woman, dating a man with two kids, and it’s very hard to relate because I don’t have kids of my own. In fact I sometimes feel jealous because he appears to ‘have something precious I’ll never have’. I never thought of it the other way around – I have a freedom he’ll never have again. It’s not about competition, it’s just interesting to me how I can perceive parenthood as something blissful that makes your life great all the time. Thanks for sharing everybody.
I also wanted to say I feel like ‘odd man out’ because I don’t have kids and most people around me do have them. It’s refreshing to hear that my situation isn’t so bad!
Having followed the stream from the top I felt really sorry for the guy at the beginning who expressed his feelings about parenting. That took real courage to be that honest and the quite nasty comments that followed were so unhelpful and judgmental (but thank God for the compassionate ones). I am a mother of 3 kids all under 10yrs and I can honestly say that I adore them all BUT I find it incredibly hard being a parent. I watch all the supernanny shows etc, read all the books on parenting I can get my hands on but implementing the ‘right’ stuff is hard. I feel unhappy alot of the time because I feel like a rubbish mum when I know that I’m not really. I really do not enjoy alot of the toil and trouble involved in parenting and do feel like I’m drowning most of the time … se leve! There isn’t an easy answer and only having a small house isn’t helping … I say to all parents who aren’t enjoying alot of it ‘you are normal and don’t be so hard on yourself, find some time for you and enjoy that time … it’s all about balance’ keep smiling
i hear you man. i just dont feel like being bothered. when my daughter calls me, i mainly feel like saying WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW? but i dont, i just do the fake smile thing and try to pretend im interested. oh well, at least i only have one.
I have struggled for the last few years to enjoy being happy being a parent. I just want my kids to stop fighting and being mean to each other so we can do fun things. But it is constant, and the labor never ends. I am drained an hour after getting up, and usually starts before I get out of bed. I love each child, but HATE the fact we are never happy. I would do anything to enjoy parenting. LOVE LOVE LOVE other peoples kids and doing thing with them, but my kids just seem to drain me. Anyway, have lost sleep wondering what is wrong with me…thank you to those who are honest. I would love a resource on how to survive. I wanted to be a parent my whole life, again love kids, love my own, but decided being a nanny is what I should have been and not the parent. But it is too late…now any resources on how to survive?
I totally sympathize with the original post. My new child (a girl) is 8 or 9 days old. I’m not into it. I’m tired. I regret it. I think it’s good that the father posted his honest thoughts. I agree with him.
You sound like you have POST PARTEM DEPRESSION.
8 days is way too soon to decide you hate parenting.
I suggest you talk to your doctor, reach out to your spouse, friends, someone.
Wow.
Scary stuff & puts me off!!
I agree with original poster….Being a parent is the most non fulfilling role I have ever steppped into. No bones about it. I get no joy from all “this”. If I could go back, it would be different. My wife and I have such a good relationship, we get closer all the time, but we get further and further from the kids….I almost feel we are the opposite of everything you see in the media about being a parent. I provide, give advice when asked, settle disputes, but my heart is not in this. I really feel that “family” get togethers in the future will be me “going thru the motions” til I can leave with my wife (their mother). Good for all of you folks that get fulfillment after you your kids……I don’t get it. The crazy part is how much effect I have on these kids’ outlook. I had a good relationship with my parents, but they were pretty hands off, except for if I got in trouble, it was easy for us……not so now that I’m the parent. I guess I don’t want to be in charge of whether they are happy……..The good news is they’ll be gone in 2 more years (last one reached 18 y/o).
I usually don’t post or reply to things, but I searched for this topic, found it and read all of the posts…
I am recently divorced, she trapped me when she said she was on the pill but stopped taking it, now I have a 3 year old son, who is a perfect lil boy, but I don’t, didn’t want to have kids or be a parent. Now I am stuck, I should be happy but I miss my Freedom…
I still love to party and long for those days in Miami or Vegas etc. Love to go out and have fun without commitment and responsibility, I KNOW I am immature and selfish… I also know that I am not young anymore (30) but still feel that is what I want…
On the other side, I have a stable job and provide a good home by the beach for my son, I have him Tuesdays and every other weekend…
So, I do get free time but I do feel anchored financially and in regard to travel… I have to schedule things every other weekend and usually don’t anymore bc I am tired or feel the need to save $ for him and add to savings so I can provide.
I had great parents and feel that I am parenting out of a sense of responsibility but it scares me to death to think I will be taking care of him for years to come, and my commitment will only grow with time… That my “life has changed forever” and it “will never be the same” I guess that is called regret, I do resent him, I hope it will get better, I do not know what the payoff or benefit is?
Don’t get me wrong though, we do have tons of fun together, @ the beach disney, chuck e cheese, duck park, playground, playing ball etc.
By all accounts I am a lucky man, good kid, girlfriend, house on the beach, good job…
As I am writing this I am realizing, that everyone has problems and it is human nature to want what we can’t have I guess, just feels weird getting old, being out of my “prime” and having all these knew responsibilities… when all I want to do is be waking up in Vegas hungover with some good stories to tell and a wad of winnings in my pocket… (a dream I know)
So help me, How does one “grow up”? How does one find joy in doing something one does not really want to do or never wanted to do?
Your right “my life will never be the same” all I can do is the best I can with what I got, seems impossible to turn my back on my son, maybe a nanny, maybe just 1 weekend a month? (felt weird to write)
I will not have more kids, maybe I should be thankful for the perfect one I have and double down and truly truly make the best of it…
I have 15 years to go I guess, but wish I didn’t look at it that way…
It felt so good to write this and I know “it” no matter what it is, is going to be ok…
America is the home of the spoiled whiners…raising more spoiled whiners
Just me,
Now that was not very nice thing to post on a day like this. I hope someday somebody give you the sympathy and empathy you deserve.
I never had children until about 3 years ago. My good friend at the time became overwhelmed with her three little ones. I found her searching the internet on how to give the children up withot going to jail. She wanted her freedom, my family feels I enabled her. Why? Because she gave and I took legal guardianship of them all. I have had all three since the youngest was 2 weeks. They are now 3, 4 and 5 years old. I am having some of these feelings I have read tonite. I thought my feeling were because the boys are not blood related to me but I know better now. I Thank all of You