My Mother
Posted by Anonymous in Family on Jun 5th, 2011 | 9 commentsI’m 16. Female.
My mother had her first schizophrenic breakdown when I was 8. I’ve been in the custody of my father ever since. I used to see her frequently, but for the past two years as her mental health has declined and our time we spend together has become less and less.
I can honestly say I almost despise her. She doesn’t even feel like a mother anymore, nor a relative, just a big burden. She’s homeless now, by choice I might add (proudct of her paranoia), and as much compassion as I’ve tried to muster for her sake I just can’t bring myself to give a shit anymore. She’s ruined mine and my families lives past the point of repair.
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About a year ago I started having dreams about her.
Sexual ones. Basically in the dreams I usually try and seduce her to get her to preform sexual acts on me for my sheer pleasure.
I had one last night. Perhaps the most vivid. And perhaps the farthest I’ve even gotten with her in these nightmares.
I literally have no idea where they’ve came from. They disgust me. She disgusts me. And I disgust me. The dreams don’t happen all the time, but when they do I dwell on them for days.
As for my sexuality it’s still really up in the air. I presume I’m a lesbian due to my attraction to females but I’ve heard it can be subject to change as you grow older.
I have no idea what any of this is about. I’m guessing it might have something to do with the fact that she’s not really a big part of my life and for the past 10 years hasn’t really been much of a female role model.
I’m so scared and so disgusted with my self. I’m to embarrassed to talk to any professional about it. Even via hotline. Please, someone give me advice. I want to nip this in the bud now before it progresses into something far more drastic…
9 Responses to “ “My Mother”
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Look, you can’t control your dreams. So stop beating yourself up about them. Also, its not even clear what they really mean, so its unlikely you ACTUALLY want to be sexual with her. Maybe your subconicous wants to have some sort of control over this woman, this part of your life, that been such a volitale and unreliable figure in your life. Or maybe its just a damn dream.
As long as you don’t actually try to DO what you are dreaming about, I wouldn’t worry. Give yourself a break.
I think you might be having the dreams because you are so grossed out about it. I used to have this nightmare I was having sex with a dog and it was so disgusting with its big red nasty thing ugh! But the more grossed out I was the more I would think about it hence the more I would dream about it. Just keep trying not to dwell on it and it will go away I think.
Not having your mother around can be hard…but don’t give in to anything that can hinder your feelings.
I had a mother who let my step father sexually abuse me, along with a very violent childhood. And it sucks…but you eventually find the right love from your family, or someone else in the world willing to share it with you.
I’m 40 now, with a very loving wife, and loving 2 boys…from a young age, i knew what happen to me sucked…but I didn’t use it as an excuse to do bad to others.
You will have some very low low times…but don’t lose focus..you can find fun and love in almost anything you do.
I wish you the best of luck.
I think is just that you miss her. and this is the only way to get her attention from her? but i’m sorry for this and wish you the best of luck to you and your family.
I want you to know that who you see in the dream is not your mum bt demons.. I was once affected by this. Keeping away from thinking about it wont stop it. Dear, you need Jesus in your life.. There is power in that name.. I accepted in my life and through prayers and Gods word i overcame.
I know it’s embarrassing, but maybe you /should/ talk to a therapist about this. They’ve heard it all, honey. I’m sure they know about cases similar to yours and can tell you that you’re not alone, and what you’re feeling has an explanation.
Being apart from your family, however terrible that family is, can mess you up. It’s not your fault.
My mother has schizophrenia, chronic paranoia, bi- polar. My mom had her first mental breakdown when i was about 8 years old. She was in and out of the hospital in and out of jail. No- one understand her disorder and they just wanted to judge her and make fun of her. Your mom didnt choose to be this way it’s just inherited or a chemical imbalance. Your mom loves u very much she just not in her state of mind dont feel hatred toward her for being sick. Cause when u feel sick or with the flu u want someone to have understanding toward u, she needs the same, she just needs someone to care. I know your young and it’s hard to understand but it will get better. Show her u care, U only have one mama and one daddy. Value the time u have with them. Remember UNDERSTANDING AND CARE IS THE KEY TO THIS. Good luck honey it will be ok :)
Try not to beat up on yourself for your mother’s mental illness or for your own feelings about your sexuality. There is a very good organization called Recovery Anonymous which allows families of mentally ill people to meet and discuss all manner of things. Things will work out for you in time. Good luck.
U must accept that she is mentally sick and she cant function as a mother.
Besides becareful, keep urself out of stress, cause of mental history in ur family.
Take care and God Bless