Father committed suicide six years ago, still a wreck
Posted by really sad mom and daughter in Family on Jun 5th, 2011 | 8 commentsMy father and I had a love-hate relationship. He hated himself and his family, but he supposedly loved us. I later came to understand that he had mental illness and a really difficult childhood. My mother and I have a difficult relationship, as well. I came to realize later that she was living a nightmare with a mentally ill husband and a family of three children that she didn’t really want.
Well, my father committed suicide six years ago, a few months after my daughter was born. He hung himself with a rope. On good days, it seemed me that he was saying, “My work here is done,” by killing himself. Every other day, it seems to me he was saying, “I hate myself and I hate all of you, too.”
Well, it’s been difficult dealing with his suicide. It affects me, my husband and my two kids. I can’t see how they can’t be as miserable as I am. I have a wonderful husband and great kids, but I can’t shake the feeling that I should be where my father is right now.
I am a stay-at-home/work-from-home mother. I work very hard at everything I do. I single-handedly organize the chess club for my daughter’s school. We meet two to three times a month. I raised $3,000 through a fund raiser for my daughter’s school. My kids are smart. They are well-behaved. I earn money from home while taking care of the kids. I do everything to the best of my ability and try to contribute to society. I am working hard to try to make my children’s lives better than mine.
And yet, I can’t shake the feeling that I suck at everything and I shouldn’t be walking on the face of this earth. It’s a lonely feeling… even though I know many people feel the same way. I’d like to move on, but living is hard.
I don’t tell everybody about my father, because it’s pretty heavy stuff and a lot of people don’t know what to say. Also, I sometimes get painful and strange responses from people when I tell them about my dad. That’s why this is a confession.
8 Responses to “ “Father committed suicide six years ago, still a wreck”
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I know how you feel. It will be 1 year on june 10 my husband shot himself in the head in front of me. He left behind 2 childen and the ramifactions of his action have turned our life upside down. Many people dont understand and cant figure out what to say, and think everything gets better, but it is ALWAYS there. The feelings of guilt anger, resentment, happiness for the good times. The image is forever in my head. I have done things to block it out but it nvr goes away. It has been hard on my children also esp. my daughter ,she was a daddy girl. She has had thoughts of this herself after he left. Suicide is so much different then with someone being sick or dying a natural death. There is a lot of what ifs and so many questions. Good luck you are not the only one :) Hugs
I recommend that you get a therapist and join a suicide survivors support group.
You need to learn that you are not your dad, your problems are not your dad’s and vice-versa.
Your dad made his own choice to take his life it’s not your fault in any way. He had his own issues that you may never know.
From the sounds of it….you are a very loving mother…and you have a very loving husband.
6 years ago your father did what he did after he saw you would be ok.
Your father didn’t hate you…he felt a burden on other people, which is why people take their lives…he had a past history of events that must have drove him to hate himself somehow.
When people are so consumed with something from their past, something else takes over…very little people can overcome the hurt, of both their actions, or lack of actions.
But you have to hug your children really strong…look at them, and remind yourself that you are here to help them grow into good loving people. And your children will pass on to you an insurmountable love…sacrifice yourself for your children…they will help you with the hurt of your father.
These are the cards you have been dealt for a reason…in spite of everything, you have found the will to be a great loving parent, and wife.
my father committed suicide on june 5th of 2005 so it was 6 years ago as well. i had to reread this post 2 or 3 times and ask my self did i write this because it is almost word for word of my experience. it is a very hard thing to deal with counseling helps but the thoughts still haunt me. i am also having a very hard time dealing with it if i begin to think about it i cry and go into a occasional panic attack. if you find something that helps let me know…
My father committed suicide 16 years ago. I coped by blocking all my emotions and hiding my memories and feelings very deep in myself. I thought it worked for me. Now I am married and I see myself destroying a perfect marriage. My feelings of resentment, anger towards men and inability to depend on others is dangerous. I’m so afraid of opening up thoughts and feelings. I am still, after 16 years, struggling with forgiveness. I never tried to forgive my father for his abuse, alcoholism and suicide and I never thought I should. Now, I feel like the only way to move on and live a happy life is to forgive. This is the hardest thing I have ever done and I struggle.
deal with your feelings or they will deal with you.
My father also committed suicide 13 years ago when I was 12. My mother sent me to therapy, but I found myself never being completely honest with the therapist. So, 13 years later I still cry all the time, think of my father daily, I miss him, I also am soo pissed at him (what kind of father doesn’t want to stick around to see his daughters grow up), and I have found myself very depressed these days. I have not found a good way to cope with my fathers death, and it hurts everyday. I wish I knew what was going through my fathers head when he pulled the trigger…I feel like the odd man out in my family; I don’t relate to anyone in my family, and I feel like if my father was here I would have that. And yah, people say well everything happens for a reason…if this is a true statement then I am still looking for a reason. I come to conclusion that my life was significantly impacted by this…I was going through my toughest years (JR. High, High School) with no male roll model, and no one to stand by me. My mother remarried and my sister was too wound up in all her friends…I was truly alone..and I still feel that way today; even though I have an amazing boyfriend (whom I live with), trying to make it through college, and was given a wonderful opportunity for a job. Life is going as it should be for a 23 year old I suppose, but I just wish I could erase the memory of that day when I found out he killed himself…I wish I could erase the memory of him completely…I would have rather never had in my life than to lose him to his own selfish vice…I suffer daily because I can’t figure out how to let him go…it hurts
My father committed suicide Feb 16, 2005. About two weeks before he did it he told me that, “he is the way he is because of raising me.” The guilt is unbearable. People do have really odd reactions and it does seem to make them uncomfortable. They can’t understand how just the thought of something that makes them so uncomfortable is your very reality. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy.
You just have to put your chin up and step out in the world. Step up. You can do it. If you can’t find anything good then walk outside and appreciate the stars. Smell the air. Feel the sunlight on your skin. Look at the trees. Notice something small you’ve never noticed. Take your bike out. Ride it just how you like. Be in the moment. Realize the miracle that is your life. Realize it and try your hardest to love every moment. Do it for them. Do it for you. Do it for you. Do it for you. Do it for you. You deserve it. Slow down and smell the roses. I love you. The universe loves you. You can do it. Stand up now and know that you are not alone.