Does it make me less of a woman?
Posted by Anonymous in Family on Mar 7th, 2010 | 18 commentsI’m 29, happily married, happily teaching grade one, settled down, at the point where everyone is expecting me to have a baby. But I don’t want to have kids. But how can I go around saying that? Everyone will judge me, thinking I’m a terrible person. Also, it will upset my parents and in-laws. It’s not that I don’t love kids (obviously, since I teach grade one), I don’t know if I’m mentally healthy enough. I have an eating disorder, and I suffer from depression. But I can’t go around telling people all that, now can I? Also, I love my freedom. I want to see the world, live in other countries. I don’t want to be settled down in a small prairie town, toting my three kids off to soccer practice. Am I a bad person?
18 Responses to “ “Does it make me less of a woman?”
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I don’t think you are a bad person at all! Sounds like you know exactly what you want to do with your life, and what is best for you and your non-existent children. Stick with it, otherwise you’ll resent your family and friends for feeling pressured to do something you don’t want. I am that soccer mom of 3 from a small prairie town.
Thank you for your kind words. And I hope I didn’t sound like I thought being a soccer mom wasn’t a wonderful life too. It just isn’t the one I want. I wish you a wonderful life with your family:)
my wife of 7 years does not want kids and i just discovered.whats the point of marriage without kids?just like my wife,you guys are selfish.will walk away from her at the end of the year.you should have stayed single,why marry in the first place?am sure if you told your man before marriage about not wanting kids,he would not have tried making your stay with him permanent.kids under 3 years are fun.there is nothing comparing bringing a life into the world.i wish you can change your mind and you will be glad you did.
Ouch. I’m sorry about your wife. I hope she will change her mind, as you sound like you would be a wonderful father. In my case, we both thought we wanted kids when we were younger, and we both changed our minds along the way. It’s possible you are right and I could regret not having children, and I’m not ready to rule out the possibility entirely. After all, if I ended up pregnant, I would try to be the best mother I could be. I’m not sure I would be a very good one, but I would try. As to why I married, I want someone to travel the world with, to grow old with, to experience life with. Hey, is your wife wanting freedom, or is she just scared? Maybe things can work out yet, you know? I’m no marriage expert, but I’ve been with my husband almost seven years, and I know you have to keep changing together.
You did not state in your post that it was a joint decision with your husband.Since the agreement is in one accord i wish you all the best.as for my wife,she pretended to want kids, we went to hospitals together trying to find solutions.Her mother even told me she does not want kids, I never believed her but after the death of her father two years ago,her new found excuse is why bring a life into the world that will one day die? She could be scared or something but what i don’t understand is each time I try to bring it up,she makes sure it ends inconclusively with quarrel leaving me frustrated.I love her but the absence of kids is affecting me.There’s more to in marriage than kids but we should not forget different strokes for different folks.Once again wish you the best of luck.
That sucks. No more advice from me, just wishing you luck. I sure hope she straightens out before she loses you.
I do not believe you are a bad person at all. Having children is a very personal decision, and while you feel family pressures to procreate, it is still something solely between you and your spouse. I don’t believe all marriages need to lead to children – they can be about two people learning, exploring, and enriching each others’ lives. Some couples cannot have children, and decide to stay that way! (Besides, some statistics say that no kids leads to happier marriages;)
I have a hereditary condition that I don’t want to pass on to my kids, and quite frankly, I don’t know if I want to be a mother.
Remember – we’re all different, and we don’t all have to follow the same paths in life. Just enjoy it to the best of your abilities.
Don’t even go there! Of course you’re not a bad person!! Is that what you think of other women who say they don’t want children? You have to fullest right to feel the way you feel. These life choices are NOBODY´s business. Of course, there are always narrow-minded people who can´t respect the decision´s of others, but you can´t base your life on that. They won´t be taking care of these children, you will. That´s fine if that´s what you want for your life, but if not please don´t do it.
Thank you for all the kind words!
A bad person would have children when she knows she does not want them. Not having children when you know you don’t want them is being responsible.
Your not a bad person at all and a lot o women just like you take such decisions for one reason or another,either for not wanting to lose their shape,for not wanting to do to their kids the horror they had to go through during their early life,etc.Your decision is yours but if it is in conflict with what you husband wants then sooner or later he will be on the look out for someone else.
Thank goodness we both feel this way. Now if only our parents could possibly understand…
You are not a bad person. This is your choice. You should only have children when and IF it’s right for you. Plenty of people never want children. You are still young. You have time to see the world and to get healthy in body and mind.
You are 100% right that your mental health needs to be under control before you decide to have kids. That means not only that you’re as mentally healthy as you can be but also that you’re off medication or in a place where you can take pregnancy-safe medication (which usually isn’t as strong or effective for some kinds of conditions.)
This is up to you. If you have children because other people expect it or want it you will be miserable and it won’t be fair for the children.
You don’t have to tell them you never want kids. Even if it’s true just say that you’re not ready. When you’re older and they say “If you want kids you should do it now!” you can decide if you do want them. And if you don’t you can cross that bridge then.
@ceejay- The point of marriage is two people who love eachother choosing to share their lives together. Not everyone wants kids. And children are not the point of marriage. Are you saying that two people who love eachother and want to be together but who CAN’T have children have a pointless marriage?
Only you know what you want. But, just for thought, I was doing what you talk about – international travel, job like James bond (for the U.S. govt). Having no shit adventures all over the world, meeting remarkable people, having sex with incredible women (even a princess once) – seriously, like a freakin movie. I loved every minute of it. I never wanted kids, I never wanted to settle down. I was too much in the thrill of everything.
Fast forward 10 years. Now, I am married, two kids – I’m a Dad. My kids are the most remarkable people I’ve ever met. I can’t imagine my life without them. But I never planned it.
I didn’t want kids, and I don’t love KIDS, only my kids.
I suggest you take life as it comes. Oh, and get out of the the U.S. go see something. And if you ever have kids, go to India or Thailand or someplace where you can afford a house staff to help.
My two cents. Again, only YOU know what YOU want. It’s YOUR life. More power to you.
PatricktheRogue
You’re not a bad person. You’re just CF (Chiild Free). You don’t want to have children. Big deal. You are worth more than some non-existant child. There is more to you than being a walking incubator.
Come to The Childfree Life. It’s a forum. You will meet a lot of like-minded people.
Do not allow people to bully you into motherhood. They talk a good talk but once the kid is born, you’ll be on your own.
I hope to see you on the forum.
You are NOT a bad person. You sound very responsible.
Please, if you are not sure about kids — DON’T HAVE THEM.
Your not a bad person, it’s perfectly understandable that you don’t want kids. :)
Good for you! There is nothing wrong with this…
If you teach and want to live abroad, there are plenty of teaching opportunities.
Lots of women don’t want to have kids. It is normal.
Sounds like you get to play the role of “nurturer” in the community anyway, since you work with the little ones.