Deepest regrets

My wife wanted kids. I hate children but figured “how bad could it be?” and I thought I loved her. Now I have 2 kids which I wish were never born, a job to support the family that I don’t despise, and a wife who I sometimes love and sometimes just want away from. In truth, the peace of death it’s far preferable to the existence that I made for myself, yet I am the only one to blame, but even that would only harm the innocent family that I’ve made. I truly feel beyond helpless. Life is nothing but self hatred and depression and rage but death would cause worse. There is no way out. No solution. I’m truly destined to live in torment for the rest of my life and there’s not a good damned thing I can do about it without causing more suffering.

6 thoughts on “Deepest regrets

  1. I know it seems permanent, but it isn’t. 18 years is a long time, but it’s not forever. It’s only about as long as raising a dog from puppy to death. Just try to hang in there, and if you haven’t already, get sterilized to prevent any mishaps from prolonging your torment. There’s life after family.

    1. How old are you? Now imagine you’re 60 with the same emotions? The chance you take is that the hate you feel may be with you no matter if you’re alone or not. You could dump them all and find out you still self-hate and are now alone to boot. Find out before you jump off that cliff because if you’re wrong, you’ll have more people than just yourself hating you.

  2. I feel the same. Only, my husband occasionally attacks or strangles me in a fit of rage. It’s happened about 5 times in 13 years. But the last 3 times have been in the past year. The last time being the day after our anniversary which was a few days ago. This time he said he’d do it again when I tried to talk to him some time later. I hate myself and wish I were dead. 11 more years fof this, but I dont know if I can make it. I feel so sad and alone. I can’t tell anyone this has happened to me. So I just go around feeling sick all the time. I also feel devastated that he would do this. He destroyed our life. I can’t love him now.

  3. I know exactly what you meant. My husband promised we wouldn’t have kids, but he changed his mind. I knew my marriage would fall apart b/c my MIL would use his desire to have them as her baton. I love my husband so I did it. I had kids and became my mother.

    In retrospect, I should’ve let everything fall apart. My husband stopped having sex with me and I have a disabled child that he doesn’t understand how devastating it is.

  4. Well, we decided to not have kids, and have had a great life. But, about 15 years ago this college senior came to our church. His dad was an ass, didn’t want kids, and the kids knew it. The kid, Nate, needed an adult man to talk to, and we bonded quickly, and my wife adored him. Shortly thereafter he moved in…Since then, we have had a son! He is the light of our lives. My wife and I both”regret” we waited so late. Now soon, he’s marrying the girl of his dreams. And, we hope to be grandparents at some point. Right now, you can’t know that your kids CAN be the best part of your life, or you can be like Nate’s bio dad, and die miserable and alone. Sometimes, you get what you need, not what you want. GOOD luck…Dad.

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