You’d never believe it, but…

I feel like I’m losing it. I’m a professional in a small town. Everybody knows me. There is no privacy. Whatever I do, or don’t do, or my family does…is gossip fodder.

I try and keep a professional demeanor by day, but at night, after everyone is in bed…I drink. I can’t sleep. I hurt myself. I had a seizure last night for no real good reason (trust me, I’d know). It felt…so good. Those moments of nothing in my brain but static. I’ve no idea what triggered it, really, nothing in my day was any different than the day before, but…I woke up this morning feeling better. Wtf? Maybe there’s something to this electroconvulsive shock therapy, and my body decided it was time for a reset?

I’d love to say I take care of myself, my family, etc etc,but I’d be lying. I don’t take care of myself. I don’t know where the balance is, anymore.

I wish this headache would go away. I live in constant pain every day from RA, but I’m not all that ready to give up.

I wish my stress would go away, I love my family, (most) of my job, my life…I’m just tired of hurting every step, every day, I’m just not sure how much more I can take.

Tomorrow I get to go testify in front of a committee. It’s a huge honor, a huge stressor, a huge milestone all rolled into one. The day after tomorrow? I’ll be wrecked,physically. Someone told me I’d be disabled in a wheelchair,unable to work, within 10 years of my diagnosis. I’m at year 13. And still walking.

I just want the strength, the energy, the *me* back enough to enjoy my kids, not let them know when it’s bad, and carry on. Why is that so hard, some days?

5 thoughts on “You’d never believe it, but…

  1. Ah, thank you for the kind wishes and sunshine! I took my wedding rings off today for a while and felt so much more free than I had in years. This was after I’d been told I was stupid, deaf, and controlling. Guses what? The rings come off. There’s a bit of a dent, after 20 years…but it can easily be replaced with a placeholder. …either for someone who meets my needs, or an acknowledgement that my needs have changed!

  2. All you expressed, know that as long you are untrue to your self you won’t be able to start an honest fresh new life by being your true self :) start by forgiving your self, loving your self a bit more every day, take little baby steps each day…
    Be thankful for your family, they love you
    When you stop pressing all those emotions, dislikes, people’s thoughts or talks, detoxifying from everything you try to be to please a community will not help you or give you the health or peace you seek.
    Instead turn your focus within, recapture all that makes you smile, find them in those little moments, in your kids smile,play,in a moment that you share together, by allowing to open your heart from all this heaviness you put in an effort to bury pain,resentment, become invisible or even just someone you don’t even recognise will give you a total loving transformation shake it all off, take a look from the outside (like a stranger) what would you say to this person straggling?!
    I can tell you that as long you don’t shine your true self, you will miss out to find out how really awesome you truly are :)
    Take a deep breath and start honoring the best of you
    Wishing you a wonderful reconnection with all that makes you smile and others will smile with you, feel joy, be joy and others will follow up on this amazing feeling
    You are deserving the best in life, turn your face to the sun, take a deep breath and know a little step every day will give you an amazing life journey, enjoy it
    With love
    just someone that wishes you happiness

    1. I felt much like you because of pain and the frustration of carrying on day after day in pain. Chronic conditions can introduce depression and a dizzying array of physical symptoms. Please speak frankly to a doctor. Try yoga. Stretch and breathe and take time to be alone in your space. All things must pass.

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