I feel like I’m losing it. I’m a professional in a small town. Everybody knows me. There is no privacy. Whatever I do, or don’t do, or my family does…is gossip fodder.
I try and keep a professional demeanor by day, but at night, after everyone is in bed…I drink. I can’t sleep. I hurt myself. I had a seizure last night for no real good reason (trust me, I’d know). It felt…so good. Those moments of nothing in my brain but static. I’ve no idea what triggered it, really, nothing in my day was any different than the day before, but…I woke up this morning feeling better. Wtf? Maybe there’s something to this electroconvulsive shock therapy, and my body decided it was time for a reset?
I’d love to say I take care of myself, my family, etc etc,but I’d be lying. I don’t take care of myself. I don’t know where the balance is, anymore.
I wish this headache would go away. I live in constant pain every day from RA, but I’m not all that ready to give up.
I wish my stress would go away, I love my family, (most) of my job, my life…I’m just tired of hurting every step, every day, I’m just not sure how much more I can take.
Tomorrow I get to go testify in front of a committee. It’s a huge honor, a huge stressor, a huge milestone all rolled into one. The day after tomorrow? I’ll be wrecked,physically. Someone told me I’d be disabled in a wheelchair,unable to work, within 10 years of my diagnosis. I’m at year 13. And still walking.
I just want the strength, the energy, the *me* back enough to enjoy my kids, not let them know when it’s bad, and carry on. Why is that so hard, some days?