To stay or go

I’m sitting in my closet thinking about if I should hang myself today. I’m a single mom of a 15 month old son and it’s the hardest thing ive ever done.. being a single parent with minimal help is frustrating. I’ve always been “suicidal” I guess but now that I’m going crazy it’s becoming more real ( the death thoughts) .. I don’t wanna die. But sometimes I don’t wanna live on this earth or be around anyone because everyone sucks. I just wanna be happy.. where is that? Not in my closet clearly. I really hope I don’t ever kill myself.. I truly don’t think I will but I plan it out in my head every time I feel like dying.

3 thoughts on “To stay or go

  1. You have a son to take care of. Even if you were to give him up for adoption or something, he would eventually grow up and wonder who his mother is, and want to meet his mother. As he gets older he’ll even tell you things that remind you that you are a parent, you are raising someone, you are impacting someone, and whilst it may seem like a small impact when you look add it as an impact on the world, but that is exactly what it is. It is an impact on the world. If you are there for him, and you can raise him correctly, eventually you will be proud of him. And you will know why you want to live.

  2. As hard as it is to imagine, hang in there and life will get better. The kids will grow up and (hopefully) mature to become decent people. It’s tough now b/c you have to go to work AND have a baby who doesn’t let you sleep properly. This too shall pass and you’ll feel much better after you start getting uninterrupted sleep.

    I have a mentally disabled son who’ll never be able to take care of himself even when he’s 60. Worse, bullies come in the form of therapists, etc. The people who are supposed to understand him the most are the ones who will abuse him. Therefore, I have to be his constant companion. I worry what will happen to him when I pass away. No one cares. As much as I hate the thought of him possibly becoming homeless b/c nobody will care enough to make sure he has a roof over his head, I have to live with that.

    I don’t mean to sound pithy, but be glad your baby is healthy. Your life is tough. No doubt about that. Hang in there. It will get better.

  3. I completely understand. I have a 10 month old, and another on the way. I’ve had a lot of those moments throughout my time as a mom so far. It’s ok to step back and take a breath. Look into daycare programs in your area. Your child may be old enough for HeadStart, and there are assistance programs to help you. You’re doing so much. It’s a huge burden to take on by yourself. You’re a strong woman. Don’t be afraid to reach out for as much help as you need. See if anyone is willing to take your child for the day or even just a trip to the park.

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