Seriously scared, scarred & sad

This isn’t a suicide note. It’s not a cry for help. I suppose it’s just for some relief. I am so tired of fighting, fighting and scraping, and struggling. I am 46, with 2 children, 22 yrs old, and 16 yrs old. I have 1 grandson. I love them all dearly, and live for them. I have been divorced from my kids Dad for 14 1/2 yrs. So, my Son has essentially never known what it was like to have his Dad around. Which, really is sad, because for the last 8 yrs he’s lived a 5 minute walk down the road. You guessed it, I sporadically receive child support, a mere $300 a month, and I mean SPORADICALLY. He owes $17,000 in child support, which there is a lien against my house for, because I have never been able to legally divorce him, because the bank refuses to accept it unless it’s done with lawyers. Nope, since I work sometimes 3 jobs to pay for my children, I rarely have enough money left over for anything. Because I have struggled so often with money, I did rely on a credit card to put food on the table, to fix my broken water heater, and to put my car in the shop 7 times in 11 months, the card bloomed. Yes, now I have accumulated a horrible debt, which I cannot pay, without it growing growing growing. Yes, I have talked to the credit card company, they have refused to help in any way. My car is literally falling apart – duct tape, a coat hanger and crazy glue are what’s keeping it together. My daughter struggled with bullying/cyber bullying when she was in school, and as a result, succumbed to bulumia and thankfully, a short bout of anorexia. Although she is the Mommy to a wonderful little baby boy, and completed her first year of University, she still struggles with the effects of her disease. In the midst of all this, my son was diagnosed with ADD/Inattentive. There are NO resources available, nevermind any kind of schooling for him. Through some horrible downs, and some moderate ups, my Son has made some progress, but he still remains a child without his full education, because there isn’t any interest in giving that to him. My beloved Grandma, my best friend, died in a car accident last year. I am on the verge of losing my house, because I cannot pay the back taxes. I wish for the sweet relief of leaving all this mess behind – but am faced with the reality of how much I would hurt my children and my grandbaby. Despite how much I love them, I struggle within, daily, to keep myself afloat. I have been a good Mom, a good daughter, auntie, sister, friend – by all accounts I haven’t let any of them down in a significant way – yet, I keep getting the crap deal. I just want it to end.

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