Rage

I have been a nice person for what it takes. My job wants me nice and tolerant. I went through a helluva training period followed by a strenuous career start. Got married and have an adorable little kid. My ambitions are way ahead of my finances. I have a killing chronic back pain that requires disc surgery according to some doctors. Maybe it’s the depression from pain, may be the feeling of unappreciation at work and never getting any decent appraisal, maybe the low funds issue. Maybe because I never enjoyed really Marital life or sex life. I considered committing suicide more than once. It’s that small image of my smiling little boy that holds me together. I am a young doctor and I am sick of hearing people complain when I don’t have time or money to do so. I am overly sensitive and I have nothing to do about it. I work for more than 60 hours a week excluding transportation time and that kills my back even more. Please I know I may have been a bad person lately but I want to die peacefully without disgrace. I don’t want suicide.

2 thoughts on “Rage

  1. Doc,
    I am in medicine too, a NP, and it has always amazed me to what standards that doctors are held to. You are expected to take care of of patients with little sleep, hold together a marriage and family while working way too many hours, and then you have the pressure of being in debt, and trying to make money for your practice or hospital. MD’s have some of the highest suicide rates in the country!! Craziness!!
    You have got to start taking care of YOU! Go see a psych…go to one out of town and pay cash so no one will know if you need to. If you don’t take care of yourself then eventually you will crash and burn and your child is going to need his dad! Maybe you should get your back surgery done. That would give you a few weeks to step back and think about things???
    Thoughts and prayers are with you. Life is short!

  2. It sounds as if you’re tired, overworked and unappreciated. Why not seriously try to find some better balance in your life and start doing more things that bring you joy. Therapy would likely assist with this. Hope all improves for you.

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