My Depression

Last year I was really depressed. I have epilepsy, and I missed so much school because of the seizures, and I started distancing myself from my friends. I was so anxious all of the time. I was having panic attacks on a daily basis, and was failing all of my classes. I felt like such a failure, and that I was a burden, and that I didn’t deserve a happy life. I was ruining daily life for my family, and they had to deal with my crazy mood swings, my panic attacks, my constant irritability, and my self loathing. I felt so lonely, and desperate. I had no idea what to do. I started self harming. I felt like I needed to punish myself, that cutting myself would make everything better. And in some ways it did. But I didn’t realize the impact that it would have later on. I started collecting pills to try and kill myself. I was so tired, and was starting to just not care anymore. I felt so empty. I don’t know what caused me to do it, but I told my parents. I told them everything. They immediately took me to our local crisis mental health services, and they evaluated me and decided that I should go to a mental hospital. I was there for two weeks. It did help. It was the start of my recovery. I did hurt myself while I was there, and that extended my stay, but it turned out okay. I started seeing a therapist immediately after discharge. I still hurt myself for months after that, but I slowly started finding ways to help myself. I made a safety plan for emergencies, and found ways to cope. Depression never goes away, but you can learn to deal with it. It has been a year since I went to the hospital. I am no longer hurting myself, but I still struggle with anxiety and school. But things seem to be looking up. I still have scars (I recently counted and realized that I had cut myself 186+ times and scratched myself with my nails 10 times), but I am not ashamed.

Hardly anybody knows about any of this, and I don’t plan on telling too many other people any time soon. But it felt good to just let it all out.

2 thoughts on “My Depression

  1. So glad to hear that you don’t hurt yourself anymore. :)
    And try to talk more to others not of depression but maybe random talks. And if you love writing about your depression and feel lightened. Go ahead.
    Make friends and live. God bless.

  2. Okay, please share this confession with a loved one and call your therapist and doctor and let them know too. Then vow to learn how to manage your sadness and anxiety without repeatedly harming yourself. Take care now.

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