Illusions

My life is a huge ******* lie. I have a loving family, we are religious I don’t entirely agree with it but I think religion is good if it encourages morals. Buts that’s just the start. My family is hugely religious including almost everyone I know, but I don’t really want to be part of it, but only I know. I also have a girlfriend (in Highschool) and she’s we have the same interests is nice and funny but because I’m introverted I never feel like spending time with here and it just gives me stress, and I never wanted a relationship in the first place, I did it because people thought we “matched” and I always smile and nod my head because I can’t stand up for myself. I have also suffered from major depression for the last 4 years, and think about killing myself all the time. I don’t hate myself, but I also think life is pointless. But only I know. My depression is affecting the relationship I don’t want to be in and it makes it hard to do anything social. It also effects my grades as I have had 0 motivation for school for the last few years. I still get good grades but I don’t even try I just do what’s required of me. I am also too scared to go to college and be independent I have absolutely no ambition at all, and have dropped any interests or extracurricular talents for video games. I play games a lot and it’s probably the only time when I can think straight or have clarity and enjoy myself, however it’s pretty much the only thing I do. It makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit because I’m just a waste of my parents time because I have no ambition. I also masturbate too much and it affects my mood and I always stay up until too late till the point where it’s affecting my health. I do stuff that’s mandatory like volunteer work, and most everyone calls me a nice person, but if I could I wouldn’t volunteer at all. I would like to help people but I’m so self centered I would rather just waste away gaming than help people. Overall I’m just a broken person, but what really ******* sucks is that only I know.

One thought on “Illusions

  1. Damn, been there myself. I’ve never stood out by myself previously. The only time I could do so is now and that’s because my parents are dead. I also feel under social pressures all the time, and suffered depression and hate since I was in my mid teens. Hell, I can’t believe I’ve took it all without either killing myself or someone else XD. Dunno what you could do to stand out by yourself, but you should know that the shit you want is more important than other’s expectations. The only family I wanna see myself with, is two dogs, and maybe my aunt if I can manage to bring her with me

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