Illusions

My life is a huge ******* lie. I have a loving family, we are religious I don’t entirely agree with it but I think religion is good if it encourages morals. Buts that’s just the start. My family is hugely religious including almost everyone I know, but I don’t really want to be part of it, but only I know. I also have a girlfriend (in Highschool) and she’s we have the same interests is nice and funny but because I’m introverted I never feel like spending time with here and it just gives me stress, and I never wanted a relationship in the first place, I did it because people thought we “matched” and I always smile and nod my head because I can’t stand up for myself. I have also suffered from major depression for the last 4 years, and think about killing myself all the time. I don’t hate myself, but I also think life is pointless. But only I know. My depression is affecting the relationship I don’t want to be in and it makes it hard to do anything social. It also effects my grades as I have had 0 motivation for school for the last few years. I still get good grades but I don’t even try I just do what’s required of me. I am also too scared to go to college and be independent I have absolutely no ambition at all, and have dropped any interests or extracurricular talents for video games. I play games a lot and it’s probably the only time when I can think straight or have clarity and enjoy myself, however it’s pretty much the only thing I do. It makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit because I’m just a waste of my parents time because I have no ambition. I also masturbate too much and it affects my mood and I always stay up until too late till the point where it’s affecting my health. I do stuff that’s mandatory like volunteer work, and most everyone calls me a nice person, but if I could I wouldn’t volunteer at all. I would like to help people but I’m so self centered I would rather just waste away gaming than help people. Overall I’m just a broken person, but what really ******* sucks is that only I know.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *