Hell

I don’t know what to do anymore.
My head is literal hell and I can’t sleep well anymore. Things have gone to hell for me. My grades are dropping and my friends are all darn jerks.
My own thoughts are bullying me, they tell me lies that after a while, I’ve started believing them. My thoughts have bullied me so much that I hate myself, I feel like nothing will be okay again, and my depressive periods have become more frequent. I know I should do something about it, I’m getting help. I know I have depression, I’m diagnosed. I hate being diagnosed, a bunch of people who don’t even know me deciding if I’m this or that. I hate people in general. Everybody feels so darned fake and plastic. I hate this, everything is hell for me right now. I wish things would get better, but they aren’t. I hate this so much. It seems like nobody understands me at all. They don’t understand that I can’t control this, I can’t control my thoughts or my feelings. They think I chose this for myself. I didn’t want this. I hate this.

2 thoughts on “Hell

  1. I know where you’re coming from in a sense. I don’t get bullied or mistreated by people, but I have depression and have not told anyone. It is true that not many people understand depression. I read a story where an athletically fit, smart, businessman with a loving family committed suicide. Depression isn’t just sadness, it’s a disease. especially if you have depression don’t blame yourself for it. going down that path just leads to more guilt. I get bad grades and tell myself that “oh it would all be better if I just solved my immediate problems, and just studied.” But even a fiscally, athletically, and probably fulfilled member of society can commit suicide. I guess that’s why its important to work through things properly. This is a bit ironic saying as I have not been diagnosed, but in your situation I would try to just double down. If people around you are fake, just wait to change your environment in college or a new job. Sometimes you may feel like you just want to be alone and isolated. I found out following these urges doesn’t help; when I’m around friends or family I feel better, until I hole up in my room alone with my destructive thoughts. But that does not make me want to take the initiative any more than I did to be social or be around people. I repress my emotions heavily, and it hurts. If you do, try to somehow talk to your therapist about it. I also tried writing down my feelings in a journal and ended up writing six pages without realizing. It’s short term but it helped me feel better for a bit. What ever happens to your or whatever path you take I hope you can take some advice or insight from my experiences. Even if you don’t love yourself, there is always someone who will.

  2. hey, i know what you mean and seriously i get it. I am so sorry about your situation and honestly depression can feel like you are drowning. That’s why i HATE thinking so much and honestly the way i cope is ignoring things i have to do, pushing away emotions, and being really lazy, and no one gets it. Not even me. Sorry i got off topic. Anyway i am so so sorry, is there a way for you to get out? any outlet or person you have to lean on? Like music, or getting in a car and driving far away for awhile. The world is a big place and even just driving to the next state for a day and exploring can be emotionally freeing. I cant drive now, however when i can you can bet your ass i’ll be out of this hell hole. Honestly i hate people too. No one understands my problems, even the people who claim they do.. they just don’t. It’s so annoying that i refuse therapy and “help”, because for me, it won’t help. However i can offer a friend. My instagram is mehx3no if you want to talk. If you have discord or steam we can play or talk through there too. You aren’t alone and even if you dont want to talk i hope this helps.

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