51 and ready to die

Six months ago, I moved from the beach in California to an ugly suburb in the midwest.

My parents are getting older; my brothers and my nephew live here; it’s cheaper and less crowded here. That’s what I tell people.

The truth: I’m depressed and exhausted and I want to die.

I hate my body, dislike the business I have owned and run most of my adult life, am deep in debt now, am far from my grown child (who is back in CA), and I suddenly own a house I didn’t really want that is a fixer – maybe a tear-down. There’s a lot more to the story, of course.

I’ve been through many traumas – the big kind and the little kind. In fact, almost everyone who knows me says, “You are so strong! I can’t imagine how you survived.” (My biggest trauma is well known)

Shortly after I moved here, I met a stunningly handsome man whose divorce was final and whose life seemed to be improving. I felt delighted by this great good fortune! Things went really well for three month. I was happy, and for a while, so was he. Then things changed. A woman threw herself at him at work – she’s younger and prettier, has a perfect body and less baggage.

He went for it.

Tonight we’ll be having the “break up” talk. I already know he’s doing her, because he abruptly left my life about 10 days ago.

Frankly, as pathetic as it sounds, he was the only source of happiness in my life right now. He told me yesterday I’m the “sweetest” woman he’s ever met. Of course, that’s not the same as the “hottest” or the “fittest” and to him, and most men of course, that’s the most important thing.

I don’t have the strength to find and love anyone else; I can’t handle my life or this house or my homesickness for California. It will be winter soon here. I can’t face that either.

If suicide didn’t cause such deep emotional harm to the people I love, I would have done it years ago. My mother and my daughter would be so hurt! But it beckons me relentlessly. Every day I have to force myself to think of reasons why I shouldn’t do it. Some days – like today – that’s a lot of effort.

13 thoughts on “51 and ready to die

  1. Nothing to say except I’ve been where you are. I’m typing to you from a tiny town in the middle of Colorado. I came from NYC.

    There is no getting around the fact that this place sucks, that it’s full of people who aspire to nothing, people who are slow mentally and physically, and who are neither miserable nor jumping for joy. They are rather like cows. I watch them in the supermarket with their mouths open and glazed eyes; it’s like “Night Of The Living Dead.”

    What helped me, other than planning my eventual escape back to civilization, was to fix up my place as much as I could – paint, decorative things, candles, and such, so when I come home, at least it’s nice.

    Other thing is to call the hot line every day. (Suicide.) They will say things like say “Try therapy!” but the therapists in my county are made up of dull, stupid people who cut their own hair and have kittens on their shirts.

    You can pretty much tell the suicide hotline people anything and they won’t judge you. Every now and then you get a moron but just keep calling back until you get someone who seems to have a modicum of sense, and tell them your troubles.

    And don’t take this lying down. Get angry. Make some changes. Don’t kill yourself – kill your old life.

    And don’t forget, some men like female bodies that aren’t “perfect.”

  2. I hope you did not end your life already. Forget him and make yourself available to the public. You will find that one unconditional love that you need to get through the daily struggle. Use the Internet to find your soulmate. You will be desired by many if you say who you are and what you want. I know that you will get your happiness back! -Joe

  3. Dear Friend,
    Dear Friend,
    Sorry to hear that you’re having such a hard time. Please allow time for your heart to heal and move on with your life. Suicide will not solve any of your problems, but it might make things much worse for those who love you. Why not try therapy if you’ve not done so, or return if you have. You have many possible happy years ahead – choose life. Take care now.

  4. I am also 51 and I only recently started feeling better about myself. I finally decided to lose weight and refocus my energies on something to distract me from my bad habits. You really have to do something for yourself to feel better about yourself. Lose some weight. Exercise. Pamper yourself. Meet someone who is crazy about you.
    Here’s an idea to feel better about yourself. Go to an online dating site and meet someone who is beautiful inside, not outside. This person will not be looking for the “younger, more attractive” woman.
    You’re feeling bad about everything because you don’t feel good about yourself. Focus on you.

  5. Hmmm, I believe I have some insight re the business, as it is my business, but am reluctant to leave contact information.
    Also, I find happiness when I focus on others and their needs than my own desires and needs. Perhaps you may wish to give that a try?

  6. You’re younger than I – just so’s you know you’re not hearing from someone who can’t relate.

    That’s a terrible place to be, and I feel for you. Something crept into my awareness recently, and maybe it will do you some good, as it did me: check whether you’re “telling” the other person you’re not interested. You know how what’s said and what’s done are different? Sometimes we’re not aware that we’re so eager for connection, we prevent it.

    Personally, that’s on my top three “I Hate Being Human” list, but it did help me…

  7. I’m not 51 yet, but you are still so young! Why would you want to die? You still have so much life left. Why do you have to stay where you are? If the reason is your parents, move them back to CA with you! You shouldn’t let ONE MAN make you feel that way. If he doesn’t want you, then find someone else! Or don’t! Get a dog or go volunteer at a shelter or hospital of some sort. Go help people who feel like you do. If you can make other people feel good when they are down, that is an amazing thing to do. I thought my life was over when my boyfriend of 15 years and I broke up. I was devastated. I was 31 when that happened. I didn’t know how I was going to survive and move on. Every day was a struggle. I told myself that one day, I was going to be over all of this and be happy again. 4 years later, that day finally came. It took a while! But I was determined to be happy again. Why would you want to cut the only life you have so short. This sounds silly, but you only live one life. Do you really want it to be so sad and depressing?

  8. Moving from sunny California to the shithole, frigid shit pit of the midwest would make anyone want to slit their own throat. Move back to California, or the SE or SW. I was born in Ill-annoy. It’s worse than Dante’s 7th level of hell.

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