Why can’t I decide?
Posted by Clueless in Confused on Jul 4th, 2011 | 8 commentsI have been married for 4 years now and I am really confused.
My husband and I are totally different people. We have a son (3 and a half) and we have been fighting a lot since his birth. I can’t say that it is my husbands fault or mine, we are both in the wrong, but recently the fights started becoming physical. Either I hit first or he does, it doesn’t really matter who hits first it shouldn’t happen at all.
I have been thinking for almost a year now I want to get out of this marriage but every time I tell him he talks me out of it.
So, I am not happy with him, I don’t know if I will be happy without him, and what will happen with my son either way?
I can’t decide!!! I don’t have a clue as what to do!!! What future does my boy have with a mother who can’t decide what is best for his future? I feel terrible. Guilty. Most of all like a failure, one to myself, my husband and most of all to my son. Am I a horrible person for this?
8 Responses to “ “Why can’t I decide?”
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You think it’s healthy for a child to see his parents bat each other around? What do you think you’re setting him up for?
Have you talked to your husband about what you two need to do to stop hitting each other for your son??
My husband and I used to fight like this, I would hit him and he would just hit back, then he started initiating the hitting and we would both feel bad afterwards. After I had my daughter I sat down with him and talked about either getting divorced or completely stopping this kind of fighting for our daughter because I was not going to let her see it.
I told him that I would never hit him again and if he hit me/pushed me down/threw something at me I would not fight back but would immediately call the police. Since this talk he has not hit me nor me him once. I would divorce rather than let my child see this. There are other ways to control anger it just takes work and self-control to learn how.
And you haven’t tried marriage counseling because… why?
The first child you have is hard on a marriage. You’re not the first couple to go through it, and you won’t be the last. But just ‘going with the flow’ instead of working it out is a disaster waiting to happen. For both of you. And your kid.
You’re not a failure, you’re human.
Please get help, but don’t keep doing this in front of your child, he doesn’t deserve that, think about him when u get upset, think how much you love him. I hope everything gets better in your life.
Thank you everyone for your replies, we have since been for counceling and it still didn’t work out (the fights at least stopped) but I feel there is just to much damage done. I have lost all my resect and love for him so I filed for divorce. I am not as confused any more. It was the best desicion for me and my son.
From someone who grew up in a family like yours all i can say is be strong and go for the divorce.
In the process of you two fighting you are neglecting your son… You don’t want him growing up feeling worthless and alone. Trust me i know from experience.
I am right where you are. My husband and I were together for more than seven years before the hitting became really violent — before that, one person might shove the other, or I slapped him, but we didn’t FIGHT — but things eventually became the way you describe. On Halloween night, he beat me up and I called the police and both of our parents.
I didn’t file a police report, but having reached out for help has made a big difference. We haven’t had any real yelling matches and no violence since then. I moved out, and we are going to counseling with the intention of reconciling once we’ve had some therapy.
If you have someplace you could take your son while you start therapy together, it could be good. Sometimes, the beginning of counseling is really hard because all the ugly stuff comes up, and it might be best if you aren’t living together while that happens.
But I have faith that if you really want to change you behavior and learn new ways to deal with anger and stress, you can. I wish you luck!