What happened to me?

11 years in the military. I recently got out. I just finished my 2nd tour in Iraq. The last year or so Ive felt so angry, so worthless, and so empty. I left active duty a month after returning from Iraq, feeling horrible I bought myself a ticket to the Philippines. Spent 2 weeks there having sex with hookers and drinking non-stop. I hoped to wash my feelings of worthlessness away. And to feel some kind of love, because i felt so empty. It just got worst. In 6 months, I wasted my entire savings of $50,000. That money was to help me return to school. Now I am unable to even pay rent and a credit card bill that I have built up after blowing my savings. I ruined my life. I used to be responsible and mature. What happened to me? Now, I think about killing myself. I don’t only because my younger sister. I don’t want her to deal with that. No one knows what I’m feeling right now. My entire family has always looked at me as the successful one. What happened to me? Broke, depressed, just wanting to die. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I let myself down. I hate myself. I hate life. I had my dreams right in front of me to grasp. But ruined everything. People rely on me, and I can’t help them. I can no longer help myself. I have nothing. A bunch of medals that only remind me of memories I wish I never experienced. If I didn’t have those experiences, would I be the old me? I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. What’s done is done.

6 thoughts on “What happened to me?

  1. Hey, I just want to say that I understand where you are coming from I am 28 y.o. broke, didnt have much direction in my life up untill now, and for the most part I am just now getting started with my life, after graduating high school, I always was looking for the easy way out in this life, make fast easy money, or work easy jobs that will pay well, or trading in the stock market, but was never very successful at any of those ventures. I also had an expensive taste, I liked to surround myself with beautiful women and I tried to maintain that lifestyle for the long time, as the result I pissed all my money away, now I am in debt with credit cards and loans, I leased an expensive car that I have to pay for, I live in a nice condo that I can barely afford. For the longest time my family and friends were looking up to me and everyone thought of me as a role model or a very successful man, in reality I was building a house out of deck of cards, and I was nothing what people thought of me. So finally I started to feel the weight of the world that I created, I couldnt live up to peoples expectations anymore, and I got very depressed, I felt like I havent accomplished anything in my intire life, and I am only getting older, scarry…I felt worthless and I and I was considering options of a suicide …luckily all this time I had an ok job, that for the most part didnt have any potential of growth, but that job was the only thing that I was good at, and finally I got noticed and promoted with a good money, and thats my second chance that I will try to use wisely, and my life finally begins at the age of 28. I am still in debt, but I am not looking for the easy way out anymore, I know it will take me time to repay it and I am willing to take my time and actually use my past experience as the stepping stone to move forward. So I have one thing to say toyou, you also have some qualities , skills or knowledge that you dont think worth anything, but trust me it worth a lot more thank you think, nothing happens over night, just stick with it and work on it, be honest with you parents and close friends andbyou will see how the weight of circumstance will go away and you will start a new life, one day at a time.

  2. Your a hero…. that is all that matters, now since you are over… find a job to do with the military, or find a job that has nothing to do with the military… since you are a war vet, you can mention that and voila you have a job.

  3. It’s okay. As the other two comments above said, it is very likely that you’re suffering from PTSD. Don’t feel bad for it, you just need to seek some help, someone to talk about it.

    Also, you made mistakes. That’s ok. Everybody does. You’re not a failure – remember it’s not over yet. Killing yourself is never a good choice.

    I hope you get over it. You probably did wonders to your country and you really should get proud of it. You’re here, you’re alive. Never forget this. :]

  4. It sounds to me like you have PTSD. A lot of war vets suffer from it. Which is understandable seeing the things you’ve seen feeling the things you’ve felt. And sir let me be the first to tell you you didn’t let anyone down. I would like to thank you for your time served. It’s because of people like you we can lie safe and warm in our beds safely at night. I hope nothing but the best for you. and if you ever feel like you need to talk to someone my e-mail is always open. No judgment just open ears and an open heart. Namaste.

    1. Many soldiers go through this. It’s very common. Don’t feel ashamed or judge yourself. You’re not a bad person at all. I know it will be hard but the best thing you can do is get some help so you can heal yourself and start all over. The best of luck. xoxo

  5. I am so sorry you feel the way you do. I understand the pressure of being the good one. You are right what is done is done but all is not lost. Just remember failure is not the falling down but the staying down. Humble yourself and ask for the help you need. I believe in you.

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