Planned pregnancy and feels like a huge mistake
Posted by Anonymous in Confused on May 20th, 2011 | 19 commentsI don’t know even how to feel right now. My husband and I decided at the beginning of the year to start a family. Every month I would take a test and be disappointed that it was negative. Hubby and I had a great talk this past weekend about our expectations of having a child and were thrilled we were on the same page. He left a couple of days ago for a two week trip and for some reason I decided to test and it came back positive. I’m pregnant! I was in disbelief and so I bought a bunch of tests that I took at random times and it is confirmed by a digital this evening. Now I am terrified and sad and wish my husband was still home for me to tell him, and now I have to wait two weeks because I don’t want to tell him over the phone or email or text or anything else. I also don’t want to tell any friends or family, because shouldn’t my husband know first? I can’t stop crying. How can something that I was planning for (set up a baby fund, gone over the budget, started stocking up on wipes, even painted and spruced up the room for the would be baby, talked about it with husband constantly, read every online forum and article I could find, went to the Dr. to discuss health risks, have religiously taken prenatal vitamins), how can I have done all that and now, that is real and here I just want to take it all back??? I wish I wasn’t alone and I wish I felt happy and excited instead of depressed and anxious. I feel guilty already that I am not overjoyed. It didn’t take as long as we thought it would and I guess I thought I would have more time to emotionally and mentally prepare, but nope. I am pregnant. Of course, now if I lose the baby for some reason I will be horrified and heartbroken and like I brought it on by all my negative thoughts.
What is wrong with me? I’m not a teenager or in financial ruin or in a bad relationship. I’m a 30 something woman in a healthy, loving marriage with a solid income, a home with plenty of room to grow and caring, supporting family and friends. Why do I feel so blindsided by this and why am I so terrified of the consequences of this? I really wish my dear husband was home. I think I might not feel quite this way if I had him going through this with me, sharing in my disbelief and feeling overwhelmed. Instead, I will get to sit on it for two weeks before I can tell him, unless I break down and tell him over the phone. I just really don’t want to tell him like that.
I feel better typing it out. If anyone responds, please don’t be cruel or judgmental. No matter how whinny and immature this post sounds, My husband and I really put a lot of thought and consideration into having a child. I did not go into this blindly, I am just so taken aback regarding my reaction to the news. I never thought I would feel this way about my first pregnancy. I never thought I would be typing about the utter regret when I read “pregnant” on the test. I really hope this is a short lived emotional phase.
19 Responses to “ “Planned pregnancy and feels like a huge mistake”
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please dont worry its normal to feel this way with such a big change. youre right, youll feel much better when your husband comes home. tell him. i know you wanted to tell him in person but it will make you feel so much better. oh and hey- congratulations! youre going to be a great mother, i can tell.
Leelee,
Thank you. thank you so much for such kind words. You helped me feel just a little bit better.
You are about to undergo the biggest life change that will ever happen to you. No matter how much planning and thought you put into beforehand, it would never be enough to truly comprehend exactly how much your life is about to change. So I think what you are feeling is completely normal. I know that as much as I would LOVE to have a baby (I am also 30) a part of me would be a little freaked out and worried. It’s a completely normal reaction. And since you can’t talk to your husband about it those feelings are just multiplying. I agree with the above poster, tell him over the phone, video chat, or skype. I think once you get to talk about your concerns and worries and let go of them, your excitement can set in. Then you can enjoy the fun, exciting part of being pregnant. Best of luck to you!
PS if these feelings do not go away, you may want to seek the help of a therapist. Pregnancy and all the horomones and changes it brings can put you at risk for depression especially after you deliver. Just something to keep an eye on.
The party’s over, no more quiet evenings at home for you and your husband. You’re sad because you realize that romance is now going out the window and things between you and your husband will never be the same again. Good luck with that.
Lol just cause it happened to you, doesn’t mean that it would happen to her.
;)
Exactly! When I told my brother I was going to have a baby- his response was to laugh and tell me my life was over. My boyfriend just raised his eyebrows when i told him, and said “wow, your poor brother.”
Sorry you got treated like dirt once you had a baby. I’ve always been terrified of that so I chose a partner who I actually trusted and liked. He’s never gonna be my husband though- he’s just perfect the way he is!
Not true!!! My husband and I have been together 10 years, and we have 3 children. Our relationship has improved with each new addition as he feels I have grown as a woman & become more ‘grounded.’
There ARE men in this world who fall even more in love with their wives when they see a softer, nurturing side with their offspring! True, it isn’t rose petals & wine every evening, BUT our commitment is deeper & our relationship more substantial.
Who says their romance will go out the window? Not true in my case!
This is the most life changing event you will have most likely. If you are not worried/stressed/confused you are not normal. You will feel better when your hubby gets home and you see you have support and love. I got preg at age 29 after planning and I felt the same way as you! I immediately regretted it. My baby is now 14 mths old and if I had never had her I dont know how I would have lived life. She is all my joy and happiness and love.
You may feel on and off feelings of regret after the baby is born, but those feelings happen with any permanent decision. Good Luck and enjoy your baby!! CONGRATS!!
These feelings are totally natural and if you tell your husband I’m sure all of these feelings will go away.. I understand completley about wanting to tell him in person I’m that type of person too. Although I feel like you would feel alot better if you told him. Good luck :) and Congratulations!!!!!
Yea. Happens to everyone. It’s frickin’ scary.
Tell him over the phone – he loves you, and he’ll be more mad that you wouldn’t let him try to ‘be there’ for you. Learn to share even if it’s from a distance.
LET ME JUST SAY FROM A MOTHER OF FOUR AND 3 OUT OF FOUR ARE 1, 2, AND 3 THEY ALL GIVE ME A REASON TO SMILE EVERY DAY HONEST AND ME AND MY HUSBAND STILL LOVE EACH OTHER CRAZY! AS LONG AS BOTH OF YOU ARE IN IT, DON’T LOOK BACK TO MUCH, AND WHENEVER ONE IS SLACKING OR LACKING OR IS DOWN THE OTHER JUST NEEDS TO PICK UP THE ONE WHO IS IN NEED I PROMISE IT WILL ALL BE OK.
Tell him now, you will feel better for it. Don’t sit on the news for 2 weeks. Good luck and God need u.
Sorry that should be God bless
Relax! Everything you are thinking & feeling right now is 100% completely normal!!! Bringing a baby into the family is a huge, life-changing experience. You don’t know what to expect, OR maybe you have researched & over-read on the topic to the point of overload. A baby is a ‘change’ from your normal routine. It is so many emotions all wrapped up into one — it is excitement, fear, anticipation, regret, etc.
Don’t worry. You have been preparing for this moment, and now that it is finally here, & you aren’t able to share it with THE ONE PERSON you want to share the news with, makes it incredibly overwhelming. I have been in your shoes 100%!!! My husband was out-of-town when I found out I was pregnant with my 1st. It was the most unbearable, emotionally excruciating time (before sharing the news with him) as I went through the gamut of emotions — from excited, to terrified, to thrilled, to panicked. Men are very logical thinkers, while women tend to be emotional thinkers. All it took was looking into my husband’s eyes, sharing the news, and hearing him warmly say “Congratulations mom.” to calm my racing mind. I sincerely hope it is the same for you!
Please keep us updated!
I just wanted to add that I am so glad to hear someone else feels this way. I am 28 been with my husband 7 years with a good flexible job, home, and this was planned but I find myself frequently saying that my life is “over”. I know that this is overdramatic and probably unrealistic but at nearly 10 weeks I am already so uncomfortable most days that it’s a struggle to get through half my daily activities. We haven’t told many people yet either because they get sooooo excited and I can’t muster up anymore enthusiasm then yeah I guess so. It’s comforting to know that others feel this way and that it doesn’t mean I’m a terrible person, or going to feel this way once the baby comes.
Oh, thank God I read this. I just found out today that I am pregnant. Nearly 4 months ago, my husband and I decided to try. Timidly, I might add. We’ve known each other for over a decade, married for 2 years and have each lead independently successful lives/careers in different countries. We both come from loving, stable families. Our parents are still very happily married. We are both 35, financially secure and we have a blast together.
So, after months of doing the ovulation tests — not ONE tested positive for ovulation, BTW — I found out I was pregnant today. Suspected it for a week. Had multiple dooms-day conversations with my husband last weekend. “Do we really want this?” “This is going to bankrupt us.” “We won’t be able to do anything we want.” I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m scared out of my mind. I’m vain. I’m selfish. I like my “me time”. I’ve earned it. I’m a motivated and successful exec, I absolutely love my job and I love keeping my body in shape.
It’s all of these factors – plus the car seats, the Diaper Genie, the THIS the THAT – that drive me to the brink of pulling the plug. I feel like my husband goes above and beyond supporting and protecting me, our finances and our future. We have hours-long pillow talk, and we have always enjoyed reconnecting at the end of the day. He loves me and needs me, and that feels great. But I don’t feel supported in this pregnancy. Because I’m not so sure I support it. I need him to tell me it’s the most AMAZING thing to happen, and how lucky we are. But I don’t know if I believe it. How is this amazing, exactly? I don’t want to tell anyone either, b/c I have absolutely no enthusiasm or joy. All I feel is trapped. I feel like an outcast. I feel gross, and I don’t know if it’ll ever get better.
Original poster here! I don’t know if anyone will stop back by, but wanted to tell everyone thank you for being so warm and reassuring!!! 5 months pregnant and hubby and I are truly excited! It took me about a month to warm up to the idea, and he is amazing and kept my spirit up! I’m still nervous and scared, but do not regret this. We both found we were freaked out in the beginning and feeling like we jumped in too quickly. Then, for awhile we both were somewhat ambivalent about it. Accepting it was happening, but not really all that excited. Then we saw our baby at the ultra sound and watched her move and it felt like all those positive and exciting feelings I had been expecting and waiting for arrived with a vengenance! I feel her inside of me kicking and I have no other experience to compare it to.
Looking back, I really believe my feelings were valid and part of the process. I expect things will continue to change the closer I get to my due date and I know all those emotions will start fresh the moment she enters the world.
Thank you again. I wish everyone the best.
Hello to all of the scared, regretful, excited, nervous, happy, etc. Mothers to be out there. Im glad I came across this post. Its comforting to know your not the only one and to have others reply with supportive comments. Im curious to how some of you feel now, initially coming across the post from searching for a way to sum up your feelings. Did those feelings fade away, get worse? Have you done certain things that helped? I dont want to feel this way, its an exciting time but im burdened with contemplating whether I should have waited longer, will I be able to start a career, travel? Starting a family is definitely something i’ve wanted, but now that its here im having mixed emotions.