old affair new feelings

ok where to begin? When I was in my 1st marriage I was feeling unattractive and just plain old. I felt tied down w/ little kids, I married very young and ended up having an affair. I don’t really know why. It was all about sex even though sex w/ my husband was great- sex w/ this other guy was phenomenal. It went on for about a year or so until guilt set in and I confessed to my then clueless husband about it. a little while later we divorced. I later remarried had a couple more kids and then HE contacted me…HE meaning the affair.

It’s been many years since the affair and all we do is talk online and talk about sex and talk about meeting but we never do. He’s w/ someone else, not married but it’s pretty serious. It started maybe 3 years ago and it’s off and on chatting. Sometimes its daily then we go for months without even talking b/c I get aggravated w/ the situation. I can’t seem to get rid of him. I’ve ignored him for up to 4 months then I fall back into answering his messages online. Then it’s all about sex and when are we going to meet etc etc.

There are times I want to but other times I don’t because I gained some weight since I last saw him, although he’s seen pics and doesn’t care I do. Then I think about not wanting to cheat on my current husband. I worry about disease and this and that and everything else and I start over-thinking everything.

There’s some sort of connection but I can’t figure out what it is.. we both agree our chemistry is tops, but otherwise we have no other common interests or similarities.

I think what draws me to him is the past. I remember the affair and how good I felt about myself.. I used to be so down on myself and felt tired all the time, and when this affair started I was suddenly feeling good about myself, my appearance, everything and energy like crazy.. I’m starting to feel down again and tired and wonder if we actually did meet if I’d feel better. It’s stupid I know… what’s wrong with me!?