My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now. When I met him, he had a very unique sense of style – dyed hair, piercings, tattoos, etc. We were 18 at the time and it didn’t at all bother me. As we’ve grown older and his goals in life have changed, his style has mellowed out – he took out the nose ring, hair back to his natural color, etc. and I was happy. To me it showed that we were both maturing and refining our interests.
We moved in together 6 months ago and ever since then I’ve noticed that he is not taking care of himself. He’s gaining weight like crazy and his sense of style seems to have regressed. I get it if it’s just comfy clothes or PJs, but to me there’s something odd about a 25 year old man not batting an eye at leaving the house in a South Park or Hey Arnold! t-shirt. I feel like at times he has the fashion sense of a middle schooler. But the biggest issue for me: he REFUSES to cut his hair. He hasn’t gotten a haircut in well over two years. His hair is longer than mine and almost reaches mid-back. No style to it even. He just grows it and grows it. No trims, nothing. It is extremely unattractive to me.
It’s also gotten to the point where my parents have mentioned it. My grandparents are visiting and my dad gently asked if I thought I could get Jake to cut his hair and look presentable for our visit with them. My parents are a little older than most parents of people my age and they believe that, since we’re not yet married, my boyfriend should still care about impressing my family. Proving that he is someone they’d want and support spending the rest of his life with their daughter. Honestly, I don’t think that is too much to ask. I feel that I always present myself in a respectful, clean, polished way in front of his family and I think that my family deserves the same respect.
But beyond that, I just wish that he’d have more respect for himself. I truly believe that you should dress/present yourself in a way that represents what you want to do in life, not for what you’re currently doing.
Anyway, I know that the major answer is going to be: talk to him about it. So, just to be clear, I have talked to him about this extensively. I’ve even told him that I find it hard to feel attracted to him with his hair. Every time, he calls me shallow and turns the conversation around saying he doesn’t know if he wants to be with someone who cares so much about appearances.
I’m at my wits end right now. I have specific goals that I’m working towards to build the life I envision myself living. I try to present myself in a polished/professional/at-least-somewhat-stylish way. Having my boyfriend contrast my own presentation so drastically has become a big issue. And clearly he doesn’t care what I think. And apparently it’s the most detestable thing in the world to at all care about physical appearances at all. Whenever I bring these things up to him he, very defensively, tells me how he’s better than me because he wouldn’t care what I looked like at all, he’d still love me, etc. I haven’t lost any love for him and I’m still very affectionate and loving. It’s the attraction that I just can’t help. It’s becoming harder and harder to remain attracted to him, and he simply doesn’t care.