It started out as a journal entry… but I feel like I need help… Any advice?

Ok, just a little info here… I’m 17 years old and I have been dealing with this for a while. When I was younger, I thought it was normal, but I’ve come to realize thats its not. I live with my brother and… my dad. I’m what most people call “cute” but I don’t see it… people say I’m “sexy” But I think I’m kinda chubby. Anyways, This confession began as a journal entry and… yeah. so here you go:
March 2nd, 2015
Dear Journal,
Yes I’ve decided to create a journal on my computer…. I need to find a way to express some feelings. Not have them all bottled up.
I kind of hate my dad… He makes me feel like I’m fat and ugly. Especially fat. He wants me to be like all the girls he sees in magazines and on television.
He wants me to be really super skinny. What he doesn’t understand is that I’m curvy, that almost impossible for me to be a size 2. To be as skinny as those models.
I hate the fat that he constantly calls me fat. Like, can u stop?! I also hate the fact that I have no social life, I can’t come in contact with boys when he’s around.
I can’t even make eye contact with a guy or my dad would get on to me. It’s getting to the point of exaggeration. I’m 17. I need to learn how to build healthy relationships and how to socialize with others outside of the classroom. My dad wants me to be by his side 24/7 either that or at school. And I think my dad is sexually abusing me… yeah, You read right, I think my dad is sexually abusing me. I looked it up and found this:

Sexual abuse refers to any action that pressures or coerces someone to do something sexually they don’t want to do. It can also refer to behavior that impacts a person’s
ability to control their sexual activity or the circumstances in which sexual activity occurs, including oral sex, rape or restricting access to birth control and condoms.

It is important to know that just because the victim “didn’t say no,” doesn’t mean that they meant “yes.” When someone does not resist an unwanted sexual advance, it
doesn’t mean that they consented. Sometimes physically resisting can put a victim at a bigger risk for further physical or sexual abuse.

Some think that if the victim didn’t resist, that it doesn’t count as abuse. That’s not true. It’s still is. This myth is hurtful because it makes it more difficult for
the victim to speak out and more likely that they will blame themselves. Whether they were intoxicated or felt pressured, intimidated or obligated to act a certain way,
it’s never the victim’s fault.

Some examples of sexual assault and abuse are:

*Unwanted kissing or touching.
Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity.
Rape or attempted rape.
Refusing to use condoms or restricting someone’s access to birth control.
Keeping someone from protecting themselves from sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
Sexual contact with someone who is very drunk, drugged, unconscious or otherwise unable to give a clear and informed “yes” or “no.”
Threatening someone into unwanted sexual activity.
Repeatedly pressuring someone to have sex or perform sexual acts.
Repeatedly using sexual insults toward someone.

*this is the thing(s) he does to me.

I don’t like it when he kisses me. He kisses me on the lips and I feel like fathers should give JUST a peck on the cheek when wanting to
show affection. If he wants to hug me, he doesn’t have to feel all over my boobs. He likes to touch my boobs too. He likes to make me cuddle with him too.
He has gone to my room when he is drunk and has touched on me… I have started cutting because of this. I have gone through depression. I just want to leave! But he
has threatened to call the police and make them take me to McCoy’s! So idk what to do! I have gotten in contact with my mom and was wanting to see if I can move in with
her. But I really like boxing at the gym I’m at now… and idk if my mom is financially stable to take care of my brother and I… I would have to get a job…and idk how my dad would react. And I don’t want him to hate me, I just want to leave… what should I do???

3 thoughts on “It started out as a journal entry… but I feel like I need help… Any advice?

  1. For one thing I hope you don’t let him give you a bad self body image. I don’t think those skinny girls in magazines are atractive. Curvy is definitely the epitome of beautifull. Second if he is actually touching and doing those things then it kinda sounds like he is trying to turn you into his idea of a woman and he will escalate Mark my words. You should move out even if it hurts his feelings he can’t see what he is doing and probably justifies it some how only if you make it evident that he is doing wrong will he realise it. You aren’t safe in that situation and there is nothing wrong with you moving out of it. Please be careful and stay safe and don’t let his words make you think you aren’t beautifull good luck!

  2. Dear Friend,

    You should tell your Mom another family member (an Aunt) who is understanding what is happening so that you can get away from this bad situation. Once you let them know, see if they can allow you to move with them so that you aren’t continually abused. You can also bring charges against your Father but they will be difficult to prove because of your age and lack of proof. After you’re situated, be sure to get into counseling so that you can address this properly. There is an organization which will give you resource information and advice, call 1-800- 4ACHILD and speak to a counselor there also for advice. Take care now and let us know how you’re doing. One last thing, talk with your brother and see if he has experienced any sexual abuse and needs help too.

  3. This is a lose lose situation, if your dad is touching you sexually than tell a person of authority. Get him the help he needs. Once you get him help please get yourself some help too. Your mom might not be able to afford everything but people have ways of making it work.

    Please post once in a while to let us know how you are doing

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