Jonathan, thank you, I needed to hear every word of that too. (Where’d you get so wise?)

“Is this really it” I have no solutions, but understand exactly where you’re coming from (right down to the BF who’s pretty sure i’m crazy and doesn’t really think talking about these things is worthwhile). I hope you’re doing well.

What I’M trying to say, is if you do wait around for someone, you will never ever do what will truly make you happy.. just start there are a bunch of different ways to start, you can for example start as a apprentice, that way you will feel more comfortable and gain more knowledge, and you wont have the fear of people thinking you are stupid because you have started out as a apprentice and you are still learning…
i hope this helps, the hardest part of you situation, is the start.. and for your own sake start now.

The world is big and seemingly endless. In such a large and complex world it is a daunting task for everyone to find their ‘path’ or ‘purpose’.

The privileged position that you have been born in to should not cause guilt in itself. Logically ending such a life should bring guilt- you are in a very good position to do good within the world, or to achieve the very thing that the majority of the people aspire to- blissful obscurity.

You are not unworthy of a conversation, and ignorance about the world can only be corrected through conversation. But it is important to not view the opinions of others as divine. Opinions are the only things that others can give you, science is never perfect and the world is ultimately what you perceive it to be. Seek knowledge, but do not seek knowledge so that you can be better than others.

A person who rejects you if you present a true willingness to listen to their opinions does not reflect negatively on you but rather shows that they themselves are a closed person.

As to your BF, many people have been raised in such a way that they believe examining the world too closely is a misguided use of their time. Others are simply closed minded. It is up to you to fairly judge if your BF is someone you wish to continue to associate with- you should not cling to relationships purely to enhance your self image.

However be careful, it seems to me that you are in a confusing time where you wish to find a purpose. You also seem to doubt your own ability to reasonably interpret the world. Don’t allow your own aspirations to distort people. You may very well be acting in a way that does make you appear crazy due to the forcefulness that you feel you must change yourself. Take a step back and try and view your world and the people that inhabit it from an unbiased perspective. Examine their motivations, and your own.

Becoming more informed about the world will not give you peace, the amount of information in the world today is staggering. The amount of misinformation is equally large. This should not discourage you, but simply warn you from going astray.

Do not believe a person just because they sound smart. Do not accept the arguments of a person simply because they have said the truth in the past. Do not allow complexity to overtake you- everything can be simplified. Look for the different point of view in every situation. Allow yourself to be ruled by reason rather than emotion.

Don’t change your name to Erasmathanion and don’t drink the Kool-aid.

I hope this helps.