Is it considered rape?
Posted by Anonymous in Confused on Nov 4th, 2009 | 27 commentsI was really sick with the flu last week, and I had to take alot of medicines for my coughing and congestion.
My husband knew that I was sick and gave me the medicine. Hes a good husband and always tries to take care of me when I’m sick…
but it kinda bothers me that he kept insisting on me taking more meds until I was too drowsy to even move out of the bed.
I even told him that I was feeling super drowsy and was concerned about it.
He kept on kissing me and taking off all my clothes. I love my husband but it was disturbing how he kept getting on top of me repeatedly having sex, kissing all over etc…
when he knew that I couldn’t move at all.
I feel sad about it, and it bothers me.
I mentioned this to him the other day and he said that I wanted it just as much as he did, when in fact I was really drowsy and needed to sleep. I was feeling like crap, sicker than a dog and all he could think about was having sex :(
I don’t know what to think about it. I feel like it was a violation, yet I know hes my husband.
27 Responses to “ “Is it considered rape?”
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Yes, it’s rape. You didn’t want it and couldn’t stop it. He should respect you enough to wait until you were ready, willing, and able.
ok. maybe you shouldn’t think of this as rape per se, but there is a term called “date rape” which refers to forced sex by someone on their date… obviously, you weren’t on a date so this term doesn’t apply, but the idea is the same. just because he’s your husband, he absolutely CANNOT force you to have sex with him. if it wasn’t consensual, then it was a violation to some degree. if you love your husband, then this can probably be worked out. however, if you’re already experiencing problems in your marriage i suggest that you introduce a third party into this – perhaps a psychiatrist? only you can decide. but the important thing to remember is that – he does not have control of your body, and he cannot force you to have sex with him.
you need to do something about it.
It depends on who you ask. I say just repulsive. My experience is that it wont be the last time he is inconsiderate. That action is possibly the beginning of a barrier going up between you and him. Believe me i have built a wall myself and my husband has crossed the line a couple of times too many. I love him but something happened to our once good sex life. I think it is called marriage! Good luck, just remember he is only a man(neanderthal)
Sorry but to me it’s not rape. The medication you were taking was for you’re illness and not a date rape drug. At no stage did you say to him you didn’t want to have sex. I agree that if my wife was unwell and under medication that she would want to have sex. But that being said for me it’s hard to sleep next to my sexy wife and not get horny about her sick or not. My wife knows this and makes an effort for me even when she is unwell or not really interested. Maybe it was ok because you said nothing to show your not interested or said no. I believe in no means no but saying nothing means nothing.
Oh, ugh! That is disgusting. I know you probably love him and all but that is definitely rape! Date rapists slip drugs into women’s drink and wait untill they are in the exact same state as you were before they rape them.
Maybe it was a rape fantasy he was acting out? I hear these are quite common. It doesn’t make it right though.
The man has some fetish and I guess he was playing this out with you. Perhaps you should discuss this with him -find outr what is is and make it work for you both.
I do not consider it rape at all because like you said he IS your husband, you’re supposed to have sex with him, but most people would consider it rape. It is also rape from a legal standpoint. I wouldn’t make trouble over it, it’s not worth it.
Husband,Mate,boyfriend,partner or whatever term you choose. A person who is under the influence or impaired to express emotions, should not be taken advantage of sexually. David is wrong for even saying its okay because they have some form of commitment. Compassion, consideration & common sense should be the responsibility of the unimpaired person. My husband has pulled this in the past. After the threat of divorce and therapy…we found out he had a sexual addiction. not saying that your husband has that issue. However behavior modification may be helpful for you both.
I bet that the yea (s) are women and the Nay’s are men. Sorry to burst your bubble but no it isn’t rape. He is your husband and you in your own way got into it also.
You are just having a version of buyers remorse concerning the whole thing. You find his behavior sort of bizzare. And the kicker of the whole thing is you never said NO!!!!
In the legal sense it is rape, regardless if he is your husband or not. Rape can and does still occur in marriage. This is something you must discuss with him.
I am reluctant to say this but as a man who has made MANY mistakes and bad decisions, there is ABSOLUTELY no excuse for this kind of behavior. Would he be proud of what he did if his mom knew? Absolutely not. I am not an apologist for men and I hate Oprah and all like her, but right is right. A man can not accept these actions from himself.
My husband does that too when I am ‘incapcitated’, either by alchol or pills – maybe it’s a man thing – and no, I wouldn’t call it rape. It’s rape when they are forceful and hurtful, doesn’t sound like he was forceful or hurtful …
Rape in marriage is the commonest thing there is. As you said, you were disturbed by his behavior. Trust your gut, trust yourself. NOBODY has rights over your body but you. Please set this straight with him, if he does not choose to understand, then it’s his problem, not yours.
That’s not normal hunny. If you husband loves you then he should ALWAYS respect you and your wishes. I think that you should talk to him about the way that he made you feel, because it has put you in a very awkward position emotionally.x
No it’s not rape, you didn’t told him to stop.
Assuming he knew is not an excuse.
There’s such a thing as martial rape, which is when a spouse forces their spouse to have sex. In this case, I’d say it was equally date rape because you had no control over your actions. Any time you cannot consent due to illness, drugs, alcohol, etc, it’s rape. I hope and wish for the best for you, having been in a similar situation.
Id say – degrading, humiliation, disrespectful, intrusive! Does he love u?? Because u don’t abuse wot u love
I am sorry for your confusion and pain. I think that if you feel like he did this to hurt you that you need to deal with it different than if he really believed you were in to it. You need to tell him how it makes you feel. Explain that you understand that he believed it to be alright but it wasnt. If he really loves you it wont happen again. If it does happen again then he may not be the man you think he is and maybe you need to seek outside help. Either way unless you fear for your safty you need to talk to him about it or it might destroy your marriage.
David, Bubear, Anon:
It *is* rape if you lack the ability to consent. Hence why adults that are drunk, drugged, or threatened, or children as a whole, cannot consent to sex. The fact that he overdosed her with flu medication until she was too disoriented to say no means it was rape.
Treasure you could debate with strangers till the cows come home over whether or not it was rape. But that is going to get you nowhere. The key to your problem is two seperate issues.
1. your husband was getting off on the fact that you were a poor helpless woman…all weak and soft and pliable. Hmmmm…do you like this idea? Or was it the fact that you had the flu and did not feel like sex? You need to examine why this state turned him on. Did he find you all cute and cuddly when you were doped up? Or was it that you were doped up that he found you so irresistable?
2. He thought you were into it too. And when he said this to you did you confront him with the reality of “NO…I WAS NOT INTO IT!!!! I WAS VERY DRUGGED UP AND COULD NOT FIGHT BACK AND FIND YOUR BEHAVIOUR VERY WRONG”.
So instead of, was it or was it not rape, just listen to your gut feeling, and by the sounds of it your gut says that whatever it was you did not like it and it was not right. Talk to him about why he thought it was okay…why he was so into it…and from now on he needs to undersand that the way it happened felt wrong.
Whether you seek outside help or not, do not let this problem fall by the wayside, it will always bother you until you confront it.
good luck
Maybe the next time he’s sick, over medicate him and then sick a dildoe in his bum, against his will… rape him, then the next day when he asks you about it say to him what he said to you!
Its Rape.. period!
let me see if I have this right…..
he gave you drugs to the point of you being unable to resist him, then had sex with you over and over?
would it be different if he just hit you over the head with a baseball bat and did it?
I think this was most certainly rape.
rape in it’s most repulsive form.
rape isn’t about the sex. it’s about control.
your husband took away any control you had buy drugging you.
he didn’t ask for sex.
he knew you were not feeling well.
he took advantage of the opportunity by giving you enough drugs to incapacitate you.
frankly, it was an act of a perverted man.
I would NEVER do this to my wife. It isn’t a “guy thing” as some have said nor is it “normal in marraige”>
just because you are wed, doesn’t give him the right to do this to you.
if you feel violated, you WERE.
my marriage is made on mutual respect and trust.
my wife and I both honor, love and trust each other.
this act violates all of the promises of marriage.
it is not an act that:loves, honors or cherishes anything about you.
think about that.
Stop feeling so sorry for yourself lady. You are damm luck to have a husband tat still wants to have sex with you when you are in a terrible sick condition. Either you are smoking HOTTT, or your husband loves you so much that he doesn’t care what you look like and will always have a strong passion for you.
It’s not rape because you didn’t say no. And it’s not rape until you accuse him of it, then you risk destroying your marriage, because you can’t handle his awsome sex drive. If you feel this way now, then why don’t you just end the marriage if you really think it’s worth destroying your life over a few nights of passionate sex. Give him a break, he’s a man and you are probably one hot wife.
It’s called Spousal Rape and it is definitely a form of rape. People tend to get confused because of the fact that you’re married. But, yes, you didn’t want it and couldn’t stop it. It’s called rape.
It isn’t rape, but it is a very sly act of seduction. Technically he did rape you. But in the law (I think) he should be safe. You need to deal with him, face to face. Don’t let him take THE WRONG TYPE OF ADVANTAGE in your life.
Tot he original poster:
I’m so sorry you’ve had to put up with some of the stupid,ignorant and cruel responses here. Some of the above have no idea what they’re talking about i.e Procreator, or feel threatened about somebody having the right not to want sex with her partner.
Forums such as this one are often not the3 safest places to talk about sexual assault and expect reasonable responses, and that’s not a good thing when you’re feeling vulnerabl and confused. You might like to visit my website for survivors of marital/partner rape here: http://www.aphroditewounded.org
It’s attached to a large and thriving support forum where you’ll find many women who have had similar experiences, and none of the nonsense encountered above.
Submission is not consent, even if you did not say no.
Take care
Louise
I’m really sorry to hear this happened to you, but I think you’ve taken a step towards recovery. I would strongly urge you to consult a 3rd party professional such as a marriage counselor and really, you should see someone on your own first to talk things through. Clearly it didn’t feel right to you and is still bothering you so something isn’t quite right to me. I hope you seek counseling. Best wishes.