i have the life i thought i wanted…
Posted by sad in real life in Confused on Apr 1st, 2011 | 16 commentsso i have the life i thought i wanted.. i have a fantastic husband who absolutely adores me (and so many women want) and would do just about anything for me.. we live in a nice 3 bedroom townhouse in a nice area, he has a great job and we have one wonderful toddler. yet i am not happy and miserable in my life.. i love my husband but i dont think i am in love with him anymore (we have been together for almost 11 years), our house makes me depressed and im in it alot because now i’m a stay at home mom (which is not the job for me. i thought it would be but i was wrong). i got pretty much everything i thought i wanted and where i wanted to be in life but now that i have it i dont want it… there is life i think i want to lead more.. i was always brought up to want the traditional life but i just dont think thats for me.. i dont know what to do now.. and i feel bad for hating a good life that i have now.
and what makes it worse is that i’ve met another man who i have more in common and same values and lives the life i wish i had..
16 Responses to “ “i have the life i thought i wanted…”
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The exact same thing happened to my sister. She seemed to have the perfect life, everything she ever wanted– an adoring husband of 12 years, a beautiful 2 year old son, a nice, big house, a great group of friends. But she was deeply unsatisfied with her life. So she started having an affair with another man who made her feel more alive and free. She told her husband she didn’t love him anymore and divorced him. She told everyone she needed to find herself again, to think about her happiness. She got a new job, her own apartment, and started going out to new places with new people. Then she realized she made a huge mistake after this new, amazing life she thought she would have fell apart and the man left her. She lost her family, and she will never get it back.
I am not saying this will happen to you. But once you start down that road, you won’t be able to take it back. My sister hated her life because she wasn’t satisfied with herself. She was right about needing to find herself again, but she didn’t make the right choices. She jumped without thinking things through.
I know that it is difficult being a woman. We are conditioned to give up everything, to sacrifice for others until we have no identity. Being a wife and mother is important, but it isn’t everything we are. We need more. We need the freedom to explore our other many identities and to rediscover the dreams we might have given up to have a family.
If you are not happy with yourself, no person you are with, no picture-perfect scenario of a life can make you happy. Your happiness is up to you. And I know it is so difficult to see all the many sides of a situation when you’re right in the middle of it. I feel for you. But start with yourself, honey. Your husband cannot make you feel whole again, but neither will this other man.
And even though it may seem impossible, maybe you should communicate with your husband about how you feel. You have a storm of discontent raging inside of you, and regardless of whether you stay with him or not, you owe him a bit of honesty. And if he is as great as you say, he’ll want you to be happy and he’ll help make way for you to rediscover your forgotten dreams and be the person you were meant to be. If not, well, then you’ll have that answer, at least.
Best wishes.
Become a volunteer firefighter.
Get your husband, who ‘will do anything’ for you, to spend some extra time at home with the toddler while you do something that is fulfilling and challenging and will help you appreciate the time you spend at home with your idyllic family.
Wow, I wish someone would have been there to tell me just what freespiritlostsoul just told you. I needed that and i made a mistake that i can never take back and wish everyday that i could. Hang in there and be happy with yourself. Best of Luck
What difference does it make how big the house is or what area it’s in? What difference does it make how many women think your husband is attractive? Who says those are good ways to measure your life?
No one is keeping score but you. And if other people are keeping score like that, you deserve better than to care what those people think.
If you’re miserable then it’s not a good life! You need to find a good life to live within your current situation or outside your situation or a combination of the two. The good news/bad news is that one way or the other you won’t be able to stand this misery forever.
You only get one life, and no one but you can live it. When you’re in the grave, it’s just you — no one is going with you, they all go back to living their own lives.
I am so scared that will happen to me. That’s why I stutter to get married.
I think this is what happens when you spend your life chasing social ideals – which women tend to do – instead of getting familiar with your own personal preferences at a core level.
You need to learn what YOU like to do, and then allocate time to do that. Just make sure you explain why you do this to the people who are close to you so that they don’t become shocked with your sudden change in behavior.
Regards,
D
I think what yeah want to make sure
is that its not your mind/ego screwing you out of whats actually a good thing in your life….If its not the issue with your husband, it would be something else driving you a way .. trying to drive you a way from the moment…The moment/now is all we ever have, living in that moment is the key of life…its when the mind comes and says this is not good enough,thats not good enough, tommoro is not good enough, and so on and so on.is when your mind starts realing.and the precious moments are gone….Love your husband , breath the air,, feel the wind on your face. for in a moment it can all be gone….
freespiritlostsoul is so right. happiness lies within. not in finding another man. you are the one who makes YOU happy. do not dump your husband and way of life for some other man who may or may not be a jerk. you have a child now so your needs come last. sorry but that’s the way responsible parents operate. you are stuck until the kid leaves home- 18 or 20 more years!
Find a therapist. I am going through a very dificult period as a stay at home mother or three. very hard. feel like I am drowning in kiddie land.
Another man is not the answer. Motherhood is tough. find some help.
You are having an identity crisis, I know I am. I thought a family and children was all I wanted and needed. I am drowning in it. loosing myself.
I am going to therapy for it. Try it.
women in our socety have been brainwashed to believe that having children is so fulfilling. part of it is but when they are young, it’s a lot of work and drudgery.
Stop expecting a man to make you happy! You’re a grown woman and you need to take responsibility for your own happiness.
You seem to be defining yourself by your posessions and the men in your life. Isn’t there anything about yourself you like? Don’t you have any interests or talents that don’t involve your family?
Waiting for a big strong man to give you the life you want can only end badly. Have some self respect!
Stop being a wife and mommy and try being a person.
I am not alone!!
I am going through almost the same thing… I would caution you to listen to some of freespiritlostsoul’s advice. Don’t jump into any decisions to fast.
I have separated from my husband, who does love me, although there are some issues in the marriage. I am not sure that I haven’t caused some permanent damage, where I probably could have at the very least been more sure of myself had I sought therapy first.
My best to you.
Check out this
website:http://www.womensinfidelity.com/
You might find it interesting. It seems to describe what you are going through. I also agree with freespiritlostsoul — tread lightly and be careful about what you toss aside in your search for happiness.
surely these websites can help someone.
website:http://www.womensinfidelity.com/ is a revolution for me.
makes me see my ex clearer than day.
you see i never could imagine her cheating because she “wasnt into it”
but now it really is true- i have the missing piece in the puzzle.
she was cheating.
well she has paid heavy so its not like i can punish her more. but i am happy to know that.and my mind has found rest.
i really i am happy. and grateful.
and i am able to clearly see just how much she hated me all along, while playing good girl.
sometime i could see it…. but she would quickly muddy the water and get me confused.
now i know whom i have been dealing with.good book. i will now tighten the screws for her like hell.too bad for her.too good for me.
apparently everything has an end.
thank you dude.
Just think back to why you married your husband. I think the reason you think this way about another man is because you are starting to take your husband for granted so everything he does for you becauses meaningless. You need some fresh air in your marriage, go on holiday with your husband just the two of you, it’s time to freshen up the relationship with your husband. Might even come back with other baby if you know what i mean, best of luck
oh god do not bring another baby into this situation. i disagree with T totally. It would not be fair to any baby – why bring a child into a marriage that may or may not improve? women in our society are brain washed about how much joy it is to be a mother. it’s about 80% drudgery and 20% joy. you need to take a trip by yourself. or with a woman friend. get away – go on a holiday. you’ll begin to miss your husband and your child and your home.