How can I choose between my husband and a baby?
Posted by Anonymous in Confused on Apr 2nd, 2010 | 12 commentsI am nearly 36, my clock is ticking and I feel stuck in a life that I hate.
I have been with my husband for 11 years and my husband has always said that he would want children one day. However according to him, the timing has never been right, we had to get the house first, now we can’t afford one, etc… (although according to him we would have one tomorrow if we won lotto).
I told him that we’ll never be able to afford one, and that there will always be something and that my biggest regret is that I didn’t put my foot down sooner. My husband who is 46 responded that if I had that he wouldn’t be around and that he doesn’t want any children – he says that he is now too old and doesn’t want to lose his freedom and doesn’t want the responsibility.
Now I don’t know what to do. I feel resentment as I was born to be a mother and it is all that I think about. I feel that I have just wasted 11 years and that he has led me on this whole time. I’m not the type to have an “accident” and don’t believe in having a baby unless both parents want the child.
But I love my husband. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t leave him for another relationship just for the sake of having a baby – I would need to mourn the ending of our relationship, date, meet someone else, fall in love, get married and then have a baby and this would take years! And would probably be too late for me anyway.
So now I feel cheated and stuck… and scared – what happens if I stay and resentment eats away at me and I end up hating him anyway and we break up in a few years time? Then I have wasted more time, and for nothing.
I have tried talking to my husband and he alternates between thinking that everything is OK and that I will give up the idea of having children and between me having to make a choice between staying and going.
For now I just keep putting off my choice.
12 Responses to “ “How can I choose between my husband and a baby?”
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i say ditch him. he told he would one day want children. well he lied. and as you said nobody is ever ready (finacially). i am a mom and i have another one on the way and i love every moment of it. if i had waited toll the finaces were right i would still be waiting. i do not get welfare or anything like that. you just make it work. good luck to you and hope you get what you want out of this deal. everyone deserves to be a mom if they choose to.
First comment was right. He lied to you to keep you around. He never wanted kids but knew if he told you that you might end up leaving for someone that does want a family. That was incredibly selfish of him.
You don’t want to trick him, but that is basically what he did to you. Tricked you into thinking that one day he would want children. I’m not saying trick him, just noting that you obviously have more morals than your husband.
I’m sort of on the other side, since I absolutely don’t want children and have had trouble in a relationship because he eventually really wanted kids. What I’ve learned is that it’s not really possible to compromise with this. You can have a serious talk about the way you both feel. But if he really doesn’t want it and you do, I can’t imagine a way to work that out. I think you’re right, that you’ll eventually resent him for it. Sorry, but I don’t think you guys can find a solution for this other than to break up if he’s really that serious about not wanting children. Perhaps he’s just trying to delay it because he’s scared (men sometimes seem to forget women can’t have children till they’re in their 60′s). You can’t force him to have children, that will only make everyone (including the child) unhappy. I think it’s very admirable that you don’t want to trick him into anything. You can’t blame him for not wanting children, but you can blame him for not being clear about it for the past 11 years.
I really hope everything works out for you!
I think that ultimatum is the best solution. You can tell him that you love him, that he is the man of your life…but if he is no willing to have children with you, that you have to go.
Of course, you have to decide what is the best for you.
I wish you all the best and be brave to see what is the best for you. Not even one comment here can give you the right answer.
My hubby doesn’t want kids either and I wasted 10 years of my life trying to change his mind. Please move on and spare yourself the pain because if you stay with him, you will regret not having children. There are a lot of men out there that want children. We shouldn’t have to settle.
Curious to know what happening with you.. I too, think that you were very decieved by your husband, you’re not too old to have kids, I hope you’re doing okay
My husband did the same thing. To make it worse, I have spent the last 8 years raising his son who we have custody of from a previous marriage. I gave up my freedom in my 20′s to do so. I struggled through grad school working full time, going to school full time, and then doing all the mom things. Now that I am 34, all of the sudden, he doesn’t want to. I took it a step further and said that if he didn’t want to then he should get a vasectomy. He told me he might want to 10 or 15 years down the road. I pointed out I would be too old and he didn’t say anything. I cannot believe how selfish he is. The worst is that people seem to think it is ok when men act like this but if we did they would have all sorts of names for us. I am so bitter now and don’t know what to do. I love my husband and my step son, but don’t want to stick around, not have a child of my own, and most likely be tossed aside as soon as his son is old enough to understand anyway. How do I leave without breaking our son’s heart? I will probably never see him again if I leave because legally I have no right to, and let’s face it the way his father is acting he isn’t going to care about what is best for anyone but him.
Hi, I’m going through a similar situation with my partner of two years. He asked me to marry him but as I’ve always wanted to be a mum for as long as I can remember I wanted to have been with him longer than one year to have that real relationship security. So I said I’d love to but wanted to wait then talking to him about children very seriously as the months progressed. At first he was saying for sure he wanted kids and that he’d get a promotion to cope financially. Then he had a whole melt down about the pressure of this idea and asked couldn’t I love him as he is, which of course I do, except his lifestyle is one of spending money on computer games, **** and drink and I worry even about his health let alone any future children. Then it was back to he definitely wanted my kids and to get married. Then he claimed to have forgotten even considering kids. Crazy. Of course I am not in the situation of being married like most of you guys posting but I am 34 too and exceedingly keen to get on with it with someone reliable so I entirely understand those gnawing inescapable desires for a child. I’m shocked at these men who’ve lied and especially the last post where you had so kindly and through true love looked after your husband’s child from a previous marriage. The first post also, my heart goes out to you. The only thing I can think as I type this late monday eve after another argument about my partner’s denials over children on the weekend is that it is very painful to think that someone is incapable of true love, as in selfless and considerate love which as far as I know is all love is supposed to be. Some people are so far from this ideal that they are disrespectful and downright selfish liars. If it is at all possible, at a time in one’s thirties when one feels the pressure of the media telling us we’ll be barren in no time at all, be strong and realise that the fear one feels over an unknown future you have chosen is very likely to be better than the fear of the total depression awaiting you if you stay with someone who treats you with no respect for your happiness. Love and best wishes to all here and I hope we all find a way forward by being brave.
I also am in the same situation. Been married for 9 years and my husband has been lying to me inregard to us having a child of our own. Though I have a daughter from a previous marriage, he has no kids. When we first got married I was 32 years old and he was 33. He told me that if by any chance we could not have children naturally that he would with no question want to adopt. He knew how much I wanted to have at least 1 more child and he professed his promise to me and my daughter that we would have another child and she would have a little brother or sister. He even went to as far as picking out names for our future children (Isabella and Antonio) Needless to say througout the first 3 years of marriage, no baby!!! He didn’t want to see fertility specialist, always reasurring me that their would be no need to do so, because if by the time we would be close to 40 that we would adopt a little baby girl probably from china. When i turned 38 I asked him to get a sperm analysis (mind you I had already been to a fertility Dr. who with many tests confirmed that I am fertile) It took him 1 year to finally get his sperm checked which only confirmed He has low sperm count and abnormal shape sperm. Since then our marriage has become a complete nightmare. He slipped during an arguement to me and said that he was told by a Dr. several years ago that he had a fertility problem that would have needed an operation in attempt to produce healthy sperm and that he was not going to put himself through that because he was not going to “kill himself the way he saw his father” killing himself having to raise him and his brothers and sister .Mind you he comes from a family of 4 siblings ( all we would have is 1)Bottom line he has been lying to me all along, stringing me along, knowing that he never had any intention of adopting a baby or seeking professional help to help him concieve naturally. I have been devasated by this. I cry on a daily basis and not so much because what the outcome is but because the man that i loved so much has delibrately lied and betrayed my trust. I feel as if I’ve been cheated the opportunity of had having a real life with this man. I know that there are many women who can’t have any children at all, and some might read this post and think that atleast i have 1 daughter, but when i met my husband i was a single parent and have never experienced having a real family dynamic (mommy, daddy and baby) and when I married my husband i was full of hopes and dreams that we would have the joy and blessings of having a child of our own, and to make memories and build our lives together as a family. Since he came clean he has also become increasingly disrespectful of my feelings, he wants to live a life of a leisure man with no responsibilities to any one other than himself. He wants to take month long vacations to Aruba which by the way we are not rich, He works a full time job,we don’t own a house of our own, we rent, he wants me to leave my daughter alone to look after herself (she just graduated from H.S.)and to take care of the dog, to be home by herself while we go off to Aruba to some house that he has rented without consulting with me or my concent for an entire month of January. As a result of all of this I have become extremely fragile….I’m depressed. I can’t even see a commercial with a baby in it…it brings me to tears…I find myself consumed with negative thoughts of him betraying me, lying to me, stringging me along…I feel used….Now what, I’m 41 years old…I have been contemplating divorcing him though I trully love this man but i don’t know if i can live with the fact of his lack of respect for me and betrayal on his part to me. I’m not a women who under any cicumstance would allow anyone to treat me with such little respect as he has….I’m a strong, smart, self sufficient woman but unless I meet a man and get married right away, which let’s face it that would take no less than 2 to 3 years, i will be 43 to 45 and too old to have a baby of my own. I know that in my heart i won’t be able to except the challenges that i now face with a man that i ultimately resent deeply, but I continue to have faith in my god and I pray to help guide me to the right path in my life…..I will pray for all the other women who are suffering as i am in this matter!
Wow! I’m floored. I can’t believe my husband of 3 hrs just told me he won’t have a baby with me. We’ve been together 10 yrs and I told him from the beginning I wanted kids. He is divorced with 4 kids and a vasectomy. I have been a step-mom to his kids for all that time but never felt accepted, only tollerated. I am now 42 and have been operating under the assumption that he just wasn’t ready yet. He finally agreed to try through ivf earlier this year (no reversal needed) but I needed a surgery on my uterus. Then I didn’t respond to ivf meds and it got canceled. Now he won’t accept doner sperm, doner egg, or adoption e en though we can afford it. I didn’t know there would be so many conditions on a baby. I guess the truth is that he never wanted it in the cirst place. So basically my choices are to stay with him and have no child options or leave and do it by myself. I don’t have time to find a new life partner at this age. I feel so betrayed by my husband. I was 32 when we met and still had time. Now even if I leave and try on my own it may be to late and he finds a new partner and I don’t. Furthermore, if I leave I have no job, home, husband or even family who cares about being a family. I will have no one to be with on Christmas this year even. These were some of the reasons I wanted my own family to begin with! I am in shock! I just can’t believe this is happening to me. : ,(
Wow. I just googled this subject and was suprised how many sites popped up in the search. My situation, seemingly, is fairly text book. My husband is 46 and I am 36. We have been together since I turned 22. He always said we would have children someday. He NEVER stated he did not want children. In fact he would go on and on about his special relationship with his ex girlfriend’s daughter and how much he loved children. We discussed it and even decided on names for boys and girls.
For a while I believed him. I now have 2 dogs and a cat. I love them but he gave them to me as “baby fillers.” Now I know the truth. He never planned on having children. When I started really questioning him about it he started witholding sex. We have not had sex in years. I do not remember the last passionate kiss or hug. He consumes his time with his hobbies. Part of me thinks it is his hobbies that make him not want children. He doesn’t want to grow up or share his time. He doesn’t want to waste his money on anything not of interest to him. Even I come second to his wants and only receive attention when I take part in his activities. I guess he is just a selfish person. Funny how you don’t see those things in the beginning.
I wish he would have been honest. He dragged me along for the best years of my life. I love him dearly but I do not think I would have stayed in the relationship if I knew it meant I would be childless. Overtime I went from anger to depression and to an almost mourning of a loss and now it is starting to become a bitter resentment.
I wish I had an answer for you. Just knowing we are not alone is at least a bit of solace. Thank you for putting yourself out there…Heres hoping 2012 comes with some answers.