confused-sad
Posted by Mark in Confused on Aug 29th, 2008 | 10 commentsMy wife is 9 months pregnant. A blessing indeed.
About 4 months ago I had a one night affair with a women that my wife and I are friends with. This women and myself have very good chemistry and great sexual chemistry. Both of those things are lacking with my wife and I. It pains me to say it but I don’t think I have ever been in love with my wife. Our sex life is not very good and we argue alot. She acknowledges our marital problems but isn’t that motivated to improve them.
I am happy about being a father but am not sure about being married to this women. I did the marriage counseling and read several books, boh of which helped briefly. This other women and I are keeping our hands off each other at this point, but both of us no we are going to be together at some point again. She is also married.
I feel tremendous guilt. I wonder why I got married in the first place. My wife and I were distant lovers and friends for many years but we never had that passion that people that are deeply in love have. Unfair I am and I know this. It bothers me so much. I found this site and am posting for the first time. I wish I felt different, especially at this juncture with the child arriving. I have been supportive of my wife but if she knew that I was with this other women she would be gone. The confusion in my mind is off the charts. It feels good to write this! I want to feel love and don’t right now. Perhaps I don’t know what love is? I read somewhere that love is not a feeling but an action. The crazy thing about all of this is she is carrying our child and I don’t feel as close to her as I probably should.
10 Responses to “ “confused-sad”
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It seems that you obviously dont have the right feelings for your wife and that fact that you have been unfaithful proves this. You need to make a decision whether you are going to stick by your wife or leave. It is unfair on both of you to carry on in a relationship that you are unhappy with.
You have gotten yourself into a serious situation here. Firstly, now I not the time to be taking the truth to your wife given the fact that she is 9mth pregnant. I cannot understand why you made the mistake to let yourself fall for another woman either. A marriage is a union made by God and you have destroyed it. When your wife delivers the baby, you need to tell her the truth, then be a real man and take care of your child. you are very selfish!!!
It’s a hard situation and a very difficult time. Maybe you were pressured into marriage either by friends, age, or your wife. You’ll need to heavily access the situation and decide whether to stay or leave. No matter which you chose, the baby needs to be taken care of, period.
it is crucial to have both parents raising the child. i hope you will stay with your wife. sometimes one will have to sacrifice their love for the happiness of others. by being together with that woman, you are breaking two families up. love your wife for the sake of your child. you really should have a talk with your wife to piece back your marriage.
It is important that you do not cheat on your wife again, first of all. It is even worse than leaving her in my opinion.
Honestly, to stay with your wife would hurt her in the end, because you are keeping her from finding someone who will love her the way you should.
However, your unborn child is another concern. You have two options. Stay with your wife and become a committed husband for your child, selflessly devoting yourself to a woman you don’t love for the sake of your child. Perhaps you could even grow to care for her with therapy. Or, you can separate (the sooner the better) and try to work together to keep your child happy while you both seek love somewhere else.
I understand what you are going through. I am ending a 10 year relationship because I felt that I never really loved my husband. I wanted a child so when I became pregnant, I stayed. But nothing changed and after six years, I’ve had enough. I want to find someone that I can share a family with, and I know that when the children are gone, I do not want to be leaving to find the love of my life at 50.
I grew up in a loveless relationship. My father stayed until we left and to this day he is bitter. But also my mother at 63 has still not found anyone. I will not make the same mistake.
It might be selfish, but how can I show my daughter a healthy relationship when I am not in one.
My two cents.
Look , even if i didn`t read the posts before my post but i want to tell you that you are deceived in this new love.
May be the pregnant period of your wife made you to fell that your life with your wife is boring but once you have a baby from her iam sure you will deviate from this freak …
Egyptian
The truth of what I know from my own experience and past mistakes is that you MUST TELL THE TRUTH. It is all about being *honest* with yourself and your wife about how you feel. No matter how hard you try to run away from the truth, it will eventually catch up with you. And the longer you run from the truth, the harder it will be to deal with when you finally do deal with it. If there never was any real connection there from the beginning, there never will be. It will be hard, but what is the point of living a lie? How are you serving her our yourself by pretending? It’s all about honesty. The advice from G was also excellent and very wise. You must honor your feelings and you are doing no one any favors by living with someone you have never been in love with. It is hard to face a truth such as that, but it must be done.
What you heard about love being an action is true. Love doesnt come from good sex…good sex comes from love..hence why you and your wife’s sex life sucks. Love is about staying together even when your feelings dont lead you to want to. Feelings change as fast as a woman PMSing then tossing a peice of chocolate in her mouth. So yeah, obviously love can not stand on the foundation of feelings. See what you can do to fall in love with your wife.
sick of all u assholes who say i do then cant keep the vows. if u dont KNOW for SURE that u can keep those vows then DONT make em. u got married for the same reason most guys do. 1) cuz everyone else is so why not follow the herd. 2) so society wont think ur gay or question ur sexuality. p.s. im straight never been married male