Confused
Posted by anonymous in Confused on Mar 31st, 2008 | 4 commentsi had a very bad childhood significant with a drunkyard father and later he was jailed for smuggling drugs.left with my mother who was very rough in handling us. i got no love from anywhere.
i was desperate to be loved. i craved for someone to love me truly.
i had an affair in my teens.i loved him deeply and he was from a different caste, but he said he loved me but couldn’t marry me.i was left heart broken.
then again i fall in love with a man of another caste and he too loved me very much.but he couldn’t go aginst his parents and left me again heart broken.
thirdly there wasa friend of mine whom unknowingly i started loving, coz i was very possessive about him. he was jsut a true riend, but i spoiled that relationship and forced him to love me.ultimately he couldn’t and he left me.
loneliness,gripped me and i just want to get rid of my life ultimately married my husband, who is a gem of a person. he loves me very much.
but i can’t love him like how i had loved my lovers.i know he loves me very much but am unable to love him with my whole heart.
i just do my “wife” job dutifully as if it is a profession.
i don’t know why i behave so.
then i met a married man from a different coutnry and both of us strong attraction towards wach other.we tried our level best to avoid that situation. we didn’t get involve physically , but emotionally we got involved so much that i ahd forgot the number of times i have tried walking away from him.we both can;t do without each other.but decided for our kids welfare tos tay together in our matrimonial relationship, but we are in touch constantly.
i feel very jealous about his wife.but i love her too.i know he is her possesion.
last month i met my second ex lover and inspite of 14 years he still has the same feelings for me.he loves his wife very much but says that he is crazy about me and
regrets for not marrying me.he is very rich now and he treated me like a princess when i met him and was with all tears in his eyes saying he still loved me and just want to see mehappy.
all my emotions broke down as i felt why people found me not capable enough of marrying them.
i lvoe everyone with the core of my heart and was sincere and commited to them. they all threw my love away even though they all regret of doing so.
all the past incidence make me grow mad and i feel i am still the same.
i have alot of love in my heart which i could never share with anyone.
my husband is aware about all my past but he never criticise me and instead is very loving support. but my guilt is i cann;t love him i could love my lover.
i am confused about my own identity. what am i doing?please if anyone can help me!
i can’t share this with everyone as people will think i am a flirt!
4 Responses to “ “Confused”
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What I believe is, “Love is not all about Marriage”
Live life on your terms, Do what pleases you. And Love is not all about marriage.
Sounds to me as if a good counselor might help out your problems. You seem to have a pattern going here – only attaching yourself to people who are on a whole, incapable of returning your love. Like with how you perceive your parents inability to love you.
Before you sabotage the only relationship you’ve found thus far by having an affair with a former lover – try to get some counseling. You are exhibiting deep seeded pathological childhood trauma issues.
You said you have kids. You have to do what is best for THEM. You have to do what your mother & father did not. It is very hard, especially when you’ve had a hard life – like you. But while they are young and need their family (you & your husband) you must be there for your children. After they are grown with their own families, well – that’s in the future.
I dont know if it’s possible, but try to figure a way to make your ‘wifely duties’ pleasant for you. You dont need to tell your husband what you’re going through, but if there’s something you like, compliment him on it. – Or try something different with him. I dont mean wearing costumes or anything. Maybe, after time has passed and your old lover has left AGAIN, try to look at your husband with new eyes, or go to a new place and flirt with him. What is it about your husband that you like – not just his support for you, but things you like about him as a person.
Try to make the people around you happy. I haven’t experienced the pain of love you have, so that is all I can say.
You are a good lady. You love a lot and that means you have had a hard time with love. Your husband trusts you. He thinks that your are a good lady, and everything you say shows that YOU ARE A GOOD LADY. All your doubts, all your temptations, YOU ARE A GOOD LADY. Really. The other men you love/have loved, say they love you, but they show it by leaving you for their parents/wives. Your husband is there for both you and your children. It is hard to do the right thing and sometimes life sucks.
You do the things you do because your parents didnt do their jobs. They were not good parents and it hurts you even now. Do not do that to your kids. I am hoping good things for you. Good luck.