my invisible scar

It’s been almost 10 years now and I have to get this out. Sometimes it all come rushing back to me… Little memories that come back that feel like I’m still there in that exact moment they publicly humiliated me. I just wish I had the courage and self-dignity to do something about it. I should have never let them hurt me the way they did. I felt so alone and even my friends didn’t stand by me. How could anyone be so hurtful? They didn’t realize how much it hurt me! It was overwhelming and as much as I wanted to cry out for help, the rumor that I was gay that they started was so embarrassing that I felt I couldn’t even talk to my own family about it. I have never felt so alone, insecure or vulnerable in my entire life as I did those years in school. It was somethings that always haunts me to this day. I wonder how different my life would be today If it had never happened. Everything I’ve done since after has been questioned and scrutinized by my conscious because my confidence was crushed. No one should ever have to be put through that torment. No one deserves to feel worthless and unloved like I did. The constant Hell I went through on a daily basis was more painful than any physical pain I have ever experienced. The emotional scar is still there and as much as I wish it would just go away, little things still remind me that it’s there. I hope that someday I will be able to face those people who hurt me so badly and stole my self-confidence and mostly my self-respect. I don’t even think they would remember what they did… I just want to feel like I’ve done nothing wrong. I have tried to create the person who I thought people wanted me to be. The person that I had to be to be accepted. Along the way, I’ve lost myself… I don’t even know which actions are for face and which ones are really me. Who am I? I am so tired of being defined by what I feel I should be and not what I WANT TO BE! Why do I carry this feeling of guilt? It’s as if every person I meet can see this scar…. this insecurity I carry. In everything I do, I feel it. What I can’t get over is the fact that this sense of being ashamed never goes away and that I never did anything wrong to deserve this. I feel like I was scarred on the forehead and if feels like everyone can see this insecurity I have. I am so angry, GOD I AM STILL SO ANGRY, I so badly want to feel normal… I don’t even know what it is to feel normal… Just need to get this off my chest and take control of my life for once!