Wondering

I wonder almost consistently what people’s reactions would be if I died. Many times the people I talk to just wouldn’t care, but for the few people I have connections to, I wonder who would actually shed a single tear.

why did i do that?

When I was 15, I agreed to strip at my next door neighbor’s 18th birthday party. It was the most fun I had ever had. If I hadn’t let myself get fat, i would totally be a stripper.

I want to be murderer

I want to kill someone in my lifetime and get away with it. I’ve always enjoyed the thought of killing someone. I’m a normally happy and cheery person. I just want to go insane and kill someone one day. I fantasize about being the perfect serial killer. I have many friends, no enemies, a wonderful life, and absolutely no reason to kill. Does that make me already insane?

I killed the dog…

I did a terrible thing a couple of days ago after finding the dog rolling around in his own shit and piss, everything was a disaster for the umptienth time… I lost it. I was enfuriated beyond reason, and in a blind rage I beat him, might have broken a couple of legs. Then I stuffed him in the garbage can, picked up the trash bag, tied it, walked it outside and threw it in the dumpster. It was a really cold night… The next morning the garbage truck picked up the trash… he is gone.I feel slighty remorseful since I have always loved animals, but enough was enough. We are all going to be better, less stressed out, cleaner, happier, etc…

I am relieved when I hear of death

Firstly, I’m not heartless. I’m just a practical person that know full well that this earth is over populated. And at the rate we’re going, there will be nothing for our grandchildren, let alone the rest of the whomever is left.

When I hear about someone’s baby, child, mother, whatever dying, I am secretly relieved and feel like congratulating them on their loved one’s bit to make the world a better place. Of course, I don’t do this.

I am fine with dying myself knowing there’s one less person for the fragile earth to support. What needs tohappen is that old folks need to die and people, especially poor, uneducated one, need to have much fewer babies. None, if possible. This is eugenics. Look it up. Very controversial but I think quite helpful in this state were in.

Hair

I have a disease, which causes excess hair growth. Throughout the past couple years, I’ve been noticing more hair on my body. Because of this, I’ve shied away from many things including men.
Right now, I found out that someone really likes me and I like him too. But I’m afraid he’ll notice my flaws. As time passes, I’m slowly taking care of this problem with treatments. But I think I should tell him ahead of time instead of him finding out randomly some time down the road. I don’t know what to do or say..

Weird resemblence

Yesturday I watched a complete season of a show I’d never seen bofore. As I analyzed the main character’s reactions, actions and situation…it was as if I was seeing myself. Although I hadn’t gone through the same ordeals he was still in greif and the, suddenly it hit me! That was what I had become…reckless, insenstive to my body’s physical and emotional pain and obssesed by one thing. Then another thing happed, during one of the episodes, the charcter reavealed he had been abused and since then had become reckless, and didn’t care infiltrating the world of prostitution. I watched all the episodes and it was as if I was seening myself. So many things connected me to the main character. Although I have never done prositution, I had thought about it in my teen years when we could barely make it through winter. I felt as if whatever it would be it could never be worst than being abused my my own father. The show helped me look at the character’s actions through a critial eye, and better understand myself. Unfortunately it didn’t help me find a way to share my terrible secret with my mother. My brother shall never know I’ll make sure of it … he doesn’t need to know, but my mother does. I’m fed up of her thinking that man was an angel. The way she talks about him as if he was a hero makes me sick. The fact it went on for years and she either never found out or knew and didn’t say a word makes me sick! Somehow seening that show made me think… I’ve gone this far on my own and its only a begining!

A sign!

Today, I realized that maybe faking being happy for so long has actually helped me. It used to piss me off when people called me sunshiney hippie girl because I was seething on the inside, and nobody knew. Today, though, today was different. I lost my razor so I used the only thing I could find. As it took me 10 minutes to saw a nice deep cut into my arm, I looked at the blood running into the sink and then back at the dull, rusty scissors I did it with. And then I paused for a second… and laughed because I realized that, damnit, it would be just my luck to get tetanus from a decade old safety scissors. Ya, I know. Its horrible. Its disgustingly morbid yet I laughed. And thats how I know I can stop.

Fantasies about sister-in-law

My wife’s sister grabbed me through my jeans years and years ago before we married. Her sister is a hottie, and did some pretty suggestive things a few times with me. In spite of that, I’ve not acted on baser instincts, and I know the sisters love each other. I’ve even had some weird suggestions come from my wife before about her sister. Don’t want to mess things up, but boy, is this tempting.

China

I am disastrously in love with my best friend. She is chinese. My fiance (a man) doesn’t have a clue.

I was raped by a chinese guy that lived across the hall from me two years ago.

And then this thing about the little girl not being cute enough to sing the national anthem at the Olympics in Beijing.

I am not racist. I love all people. But why are the chinese HAUNTING me??

Human flesh.

So, this really WEIRD thing happened today. I mean, weird. I was sitting in the couch watching tv. And my mom and her boyfriend and two other friends were in the garden, grilling some kind of meat i guess. Suddelny i smelled something funny. For some odd reason, i thought it smelled like human flesh burning. Then i thought ” what are they grilling?? Human flesh??” But, i knew they didn’t of course, duh! But it just kept on smelling like ” human flesh????” and i started feeling sick and stuff, ’cause i thought it was disgusting. I got dizzy and just thought of human flesh burning. So i went out on the fresh air, to see that they were grilling just some random tasty meat. And i eat it later, Of course it wasn’t human flesh. But, i didn’t know why i thought it was.. it was so weird.

I love my bf but I like you

You sit next to me at work and I cant help but to like you.
I know it might sound silly but its the weird true, though I wouldnt accept if you ask me out yet it would make me happy enough to fly without wings .
I cant say I love you but still I’m not sure what those feelings are. And hopefully I never want to know what they are as I love my bf as much as I like you