Secret Confessions

I live near a large metropolitan hospital, and as I was striding past yesterday, I noticed a very frail old man in a wheel chair. He was poised to try to cross the road, but I could see that it would take him hours. I stopped, turned back and asked him if he would like help. I slowly wheeled him in front of the traffic, but as we neared the other side, he started yelling at me. It was at that point I wish I had left him to try on his own. Altruism retracted.

For the way everything turned out. I think of you often and look at your site just to see your face. I wonder if you even give me a second thought. I still create things inspired by you. I hope one day you take a look and realize what you have inspired within me. You were always such a wonderful friend, I hate the way life got in the way. I just wanted to tell you that I hope you are and remain healthy, happy and terrific, but am too much of a coward to ever do so directly. I still carry my bit of luck and faith with me, I hope those bits shine upon this message to you, and you accept my thanks for being in my world when you were, and my apologies for what has happened to drive you away. Be well my friend, I will always hold you in the highest regard, you are a wonderful human.

I’m sorry I was a bitch at your wedding.

You probably think it’s because I don’t like you any more, or because I don’t approve of the marriage. That’s not true. You’re amazing. Your partner is amazing and the wedding was amazing.

So the truth of the matter?

It was because you broke my heart when you didn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid.

I grew up in care. That’s not my confession, it’s just a bit of background. In a way, it’s 2 confessions in one.

When I was 15, I went to my friend’s house, to get him up for college as I usually did, and upon entering his room I found him lying in a pool of his own blood on the floor. He had slit his wrists. This was a guy I had known since care, had been like my big and little brother rolled into one. The night before, I had cancelled going over to watch a movie. I feel so guilty, like I could’ve saved him.

To make matters worse, he had left 2 notes, one for his parents and one for me. My note said how he’d waited for me to call and say I’d changed my mind, and that he loved me but had never had the courage to tell me. I loved him, I always had, but I’d never had the courage either. Now I have to live my life knowing that if I had just told him he might be alright.

I gave my heart to you. I went from University student, to community college attendee living with his parents, just to be closer to you.

I changed lifelong plans, and lost incredible chances, just to make sure we could be together.

I broke great friendships off, because people said you weren’t good for me.

Then one night I get a phone call from your best friend in college. She tells me theres something I deserve to know.

She proceeds to explain to me, that you’ve had several sexual “adventures” in your dorm when I’m not visiting you.

She told me about the threesome you had, soon after I left one weekend.

She told me about the guy you ****** the day before Valentines (The night I couldn’t reach your cellphone because you were “building snowmen”)

She also told me that when I called you Valentines morning, you were laying on top of him naked as we spoke on the phone.

I spent that Valentines Day with you, I spent that entire day expressing my love for you. I wanted to make sure you knew just how incredible you were to me.

What completely blows my mind, is not only could you sleep with so many people and not feel the least bit of guilt. But you could pretend to love me, just HOURS after ******* some random guy.

Now, 1 year later…

My self-esteem is totally shot. I have serious trust issues. I blame you for everything.

My old confidence is completely gone. A woman at a department store walked right up to me and tried to start a conversation the other day. I couldn’t think of a SINGLE thing to say to her.

The old me, would’ve had her number in a heartbeat. Even five minutes after the fact, I had a hundred things I could’ve said. But at that moment, I completely turned in on myself.

**** You. You took 4 of the most important years of my life.

i knew he had a wife. but you know, love is blind so i went on…
i loved him more than my life but he left me because of his wife.
to take revenge,i told his wife everything.
now they are divorced.
every morning, i see him while he is going to work. our eyes always meet… we still love each other. but it all ended before it started. aww i love him STILL :(

I almost never lose control. The other day I was so angry at someone who’d parked their car too close to mine. I had to enter my car from the passenger side and climb over the stick shift. I keyed their car. I am so ashamed.

Please forgive me, I have had an abortion. I am so sorry.

I was sexually abused by several family members over a period of ten years. No one knew. It damaged me as a child.

One summer I prank called the home of a classmate whose life seemed perfect. I called a few hundred times that summer. I guess I was jealous and did not know what the H*LL I was doing. I really caused them a problem.

It’s been 40 years ago and I am still very sorry that I did that.

I puked on a ride at the carnival in front of a bunch of people from my school. I was so embarrassed by it, that I pretended to pass out. I didn’t “wake up” until I was in the car with my mom when she came to bring me to the hospital, which wasn’t until about 15-20 minutes later.

I was fine. Nothing was medically wrong with me, I just had motion-sickness, but I ended up scaring all my friends and my mom. One of my friends told me she thought I was dead.

People talked about it for weeks after and treated me like I had some terminal illness. People who never talked to me before were acting like they were my friends and that they cared about me, and I hated it. My friends still bring it up every now and then and talk about how scared they were for me. I just pretend I don’t remember any of it.

Next time I throw up in front of people, I’d rather laugh about it than make everyone think I passed out.

Its been rough, seeing you in the hallways, knowing that you know so much personal stuff about me but you don’t care.
I made a mistake this past year. I take full responsibility for my mistakes, you on the other hand just seem to want to act as if nothing happened.
Life doesn’t work that way. You can’t just befriend a girl who’s fallen head-over-heels for you, get all this personal information about her from her and then act like we were never even friends. If I could tell you how much I’ve wanted to just screw everything for the both of us up by telling you how much I liked you at one point, I would. But I’m already beginning to get over you and this stupid mess I got myself into. I’m not about to go back.

If you ever hear the song “Wasted” by Brandi Carlile, this situation will make more sense then.

I wish things could have worked out for us. But sometimes thats just the way the world turns.

I was with my husband for 6 years. Through the course of our relationship, he grew to be a college graduate and a successful businessman, earning 0K a year, traveling 2-3 weeks out of the month, and, in my mind, constantly reminding me I was never good enough. I loved his spark, his humor, his ambition, the nice dinners and vacations we would have, the big 4-bedroom house and our little family of neurotic pets. But the big house got lonely. And I got tired of never being good enough. I needed emotional support, which I searched for and finally found in a good male friend of mine. When I left my husband 3 months ago, I slept with my friend. I wavered back and forth as my husband tried to win me back and I wanted to go home, but I felt drawn to the comfort of my friend, afraid to let my husband back in. Then I made a cross-country move with my friend. We’re living in a hotel, looking for a 2-bedroom place, unwilling to admit we are in a relationship even to each other. I am miserable. Running away has only made things worse. I am somehow still reluctant to divorce my husband. I see pictures of him and his new girlfriend and I want to choke her. But I can’t imagine going back to that emotional place. I want to tell my friend I love him, because I think he needs to hear it…. but I don’t love him that way. Not because he doesn’t deserve it… but because I am still in love with my husband, and I don’t feel like I am worthy of love… from anyone.

I was married, unhappily, and fell in, what I assume was love, with a coworker. In the natural course of events, we made love. . .a LOT. We both loved it and fell in love not just sexually, but in every sort of way you can. . .or so I thought. I found out she was sleeping with someone else, and now I have tested positive for an STD. I regret the poor decisions I made, and will live with this virus for the rest of my life. . .

After I married, I promised my wife that whatever she wished, I would do my level best to fulfill it.

She said nothing.

After she graduated college, I told her how proud I was of her, and restated that whatever she wished, I would do my best to fulfill.

She said it was time for me to take my time and finish my degree.

I poured my heart into my studies and graduated with honours, and within weeks of graduation had done the impossible - I secured a job in the very competitive world of television to go in tandem with my blossoming radio career.

When the opportunity to work full time in television arose, I left my job in radio because I thought the opportunities for quicker and further advancement lay in the television arena.

I was right. My career hit a fast track, and within months, I was being offered my very own show to produce - but at a very insignificant salary with a questionable schedule. I was told that the salary would follow within months when I would be offered the opportunity to transfer across the country.

She was tired of spending every night alone, and hated the thought that that unsure schedule may increase those lonely nights, and didn’t want to leave both our families for a chance at monetary success in another - much larger - market.

Honestly? I didn’t want that to happen either, but I did the cowardly thing - I told her I would obey her wishes.

She didn’t want to leave.

I turned down the job.

Within weeks, I was unemployed, with no prospects.

We then had our first child - while I was still unemployed. I had been blacklisted in our community and no one wanted me on their staff. We didn’t want to leave town.

So we stayed.

After months of taking temporary jobs with no real opportunity for real employment, I took a dull windowless desk job two days after our first child’s first birthday.

Job security was good.

Two months later, she told me that she had lost respect for me since it took so long to get another real job. She even told me that she didn’t love me anymmore.

The relationship was cold, and I jumped at any opportunity for quality time with her - which happened very rarely.

After one of those rare times, we concieved our second child, and continued with our cold, unfeeling relationship.

After three years, the flame began to rekindle, and our relationship has now grown very strong.

Now, though, the job that I took that I originally felt security from has become an encumbrance to my happiness, and I absolutely abhor what I am doing now.

I stay here, because it provides monetary security as I put her through school for her graduate degree.

When she gets the degree, she will be financially secure, in and of herself.

I fear that she will no longer need me.

I fear that I made wrong decisions.

I wonder where we would be if I had said yes to an uncertain position and an inevitable move across country.

I wonder if our relationship would’ve survived.

I wonder if I would’ve regretted taking my parents’ grandchildren away from them.

I wonder if I would have regretted not spending more time with my best friend before he died three years ago.

I wonder if I would be a top teir television executive by now.

I wonder…

I wonder….

I wonder….

When we first made Love, I was married but unhappy. I moved out and planned to leave, but I thought I needed to give my marriage one more chance to work, or I would always have questions. By the time you allowed me back into your life, I found out that my wife was pregnant, but lied to you about when she was due, I lied to you about so many things, but we began to make love again, and you told me that your ideal would be to be married to me and raising OUR children. I hate that you were with Mike, and I felt like I needed to do or say anything to make you fall in love with me again and leave his abusive ass behind. He treats you badly and you accept it because at other times he treats you like I want to. I have left you alone, as you asked, because I hurt you so badly. I will go on in a loveless relationship because it is best for my kids, but I cannot get you out of my mind. I treated you wrong, I lied GOD did I lie! But I wanted you to know that I regret hurting you. I could have made you happy, I thought I could explain away the lies, but I couldnt. You are with Mike this weekend meeting his parents, and I know he will ask you to marry him. . . dont do it. You will find someone to love you like I did (DO!) , but treat you better than he OR I did. You are a wonderful person, but Mike will only make you feel miserable about yourself. You will regret it. I hate what I did to you, and I miss being with you and talking. I miss being close, I miss making love with you. I wish you only happiness but I wish you realized Mike is WRONG WRONG WRONG for you.