Currently Browsing: Regret

Regret

I had a baby with the wrong man.
It should have been his cousin.
I’m so sorry, I do try to love you back.

I blame myself…

My best friend is dead. She was abducted, raped, and murdered. I honestly blame myself and their are many reasons why.
Reason one is that because I got caught stealing something, I stopped getting rides in the morning from a friend, and consequently, so did she.
Reason two is that I was supposed to walk to school with her and I didn’t.
Reason three is that she went to my house that morning and I wasn’t there, that’s why she was where she was and why she was alone.
If none of this had happened, she’d be alive.
It will have been 3 years ago soon and I still blame myself.

Sometimes…

Sometimes I wish I could actually tell my friends what I am dealing with. How my grandma told my family that my brother and I are going to hell for not being religious. How I help with other people’s depression when I can’t deal with my own. How I have no idea about who I am, or what I am.

i want to turn back time

if i can turn back time i will not accept her love. i will draw myself away from her so that i will not have to worry of her suicidal thoughts. she will kill herself if i leave her. this is what she told me many times.

so i am with her now. problem is, i cannot accept myself for being a lesbian. i hate myself. i hate my life.

I’m sorry for what i must do

My boyfriend, who is the only man i had ever slept, with was taken to jail for a year last month. I was so upset and emotional i let slept with a close friend. I felt awful about it before during and after. Now i feel even worse because i am pregnant. I have never believed in abortion although i felt as if it was a woman’s right to choose. I just never thought i would be one of those women considering the option. I already have a 3 year old and i just cannot support another child. I wish to God i had made better choices but i do not see a way around this. I love my boyfriend so much and he’s been there for me and loved me unconditionally for the 6 years weve been together. I guess i was just really confused but i will never forgive myself and i will spend the rest of my life trying to find peace about what i am going to do.

More Conflicted Than Ever

I’m such an idiot. I’m dating the most wonderful guy on earth who treats me like a queen, and I adore him, but last night I slept with a guy I’ve only known for a week. I also am still madly in love with my best friend, no matter how often I tell myself I’ve begun to get over him, something happens to remind me of how much I miss him and still love him. But what’s truly torturing me is having cheated on this amazing guy I’m currently with, because he doesn’t deserve it and I’m honestly not that kind of girl. I don’t even know what I was thinking!! I didn’t want it to happen, but somehow I’ve found myself in this situation the morning after anyway. But I don’t want to give up my sweet, sweet boyfriend either because he’s the greatest prospect I’ve had since my best friend. I made a HORRIBLE mistake last night. What have I done? This isn’t like me at all and there’s no one I can tell… What do I do?

My life regret and mistake

This is hard for me to even write down, I have dreams,aspirations for my life.I want to go to college and get a degree,make money and provide. I am the sweetest,nicest girl you will ever meet. Sadly my dreams may never come true. You would never believe what I have done, what they call “the oldest proffesion” I put ads on craigslist for prostitution. I sold myself a few times for money. I couldn’t find a job I got fed up and wanted quick cash, silly and naïve me to think I could make something out of it,I was so selfish.I got caught and now have a record.This haunts me, I will never run from this its in a simple bckrnd check. I feel like a loser, worthless, I will never overcome this. I have no clue what to do with my life or where to go. God I hope my husband never reads this.

thank you

You must hate me now.
Though, I still love you and am thankful I met you. You were my brother, we just found ourselves at a point where your feelings and my own were a bit much. Whereas others would see you as the strong and secure survivor of war, I saw a guy trying to accept death in hopes of sparing the ones he loved. While I was seen as the wealthy, arrogant bitch- you knew about the struggle for me to love after years of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse without me even saying anything. That feeling of love you swore you understood, and I tried ever so hard to recognize is probably what drove us to the edge. Not lust, or romance, just love. I may have know right to say it, but I cry now. You once asked if I thought my tears were cheap to you. When I asked to sleep with you, it was so I could spend just a little more time being able to feel your hug knowing I was safe there and you’d demand nothing from me. Thank you. You taught me what it is to love honestly. I hope I didn’t erase the faith you said I built in you for people- one even I lack.
I have good friends here…but I miss that warm feeling you gave me by being with you.

I’m a terrible person

There is love in my home. Amplified by every laugh, every smile, every hug. Whispers of I love you right before bed, winks across the dinner table, passionate kisses, and love making. Yes, there is love in my home.

There is happiness in my home. Family movie night, family outings, photos of laughing and happy children. The portrait on our wall of us, our two children – all happy moments. We are happy.

And yet it is not enough. Selfish thoughts of the things I want, without thought of you or the children. Passion. I want passion and excitement, attention and affection.

And then there was YOU:
And then you appeared and I fell, had you risen to catch my heart I would have fallen into your arms. Thought provoking conversation between the two of us fueled my lust for you. Your slight smile, your laugh, your kindness. Was there really flirtation or was that in my mind? I had felt something that did not exist between the two of us – only hoped for. I imagined it all. Images of deep conversation, laughter between two lovers, laying in your arms, and no expectation of a happily ever after with you. With everything to lose and nothing more than guilt to gain. No, there was no more conversation, no more laughter for us, no warmth from your arms. All for the better I assume.

We are better off without knowing what could have been. So for the next little while I will begin to let go of a reality that never existed, only imagined.

Then I’ll start to breathe easier remembering that there is love in my home, there is happiness there too. And I will have passion, and I will have excitement, just not from you.

Beloved Daughter

I just wrote an email to your mother asking if she’d drop the Family Support payments if I signed away Parental Rights. I can’t afford the payments as it’s more than I get to spend per month than I can spend on my kids in three months.

My ex-wife has kept my daughter away from me for seven years.

I am the most evil man on this earth.

Stupid mistake

More than a year ago I did something with a guy that I would give anything to take back. I was 15 and nieve and stupid. I didnt realize what was going on and after I felt stunned disgusting ashamed and horrible. I cried for days, I still cry. I lied and told him I liked it so he wldnt leave me.. I lied to all my friends and told them I didnt do anything. Now that hes out of school and I dont talk to him I thought I cld leave him in my past.. but I cant.. He told the whole school. Im supposed to be a leader, a top student, a good daughter,a musician, a good friend, a top athelete and now the people who dont believe my lies know me as the girl who “always fools around with devon” its like this war between my words and his that goes on and everytime I think its over someone says his name to me and ugg it hurts so badly. I hate what I did. I hate myself. I feel so ashamed and I feel like my life is completely falling apart.

Don’t want to do it anymore

I’m the parent of 4 kids, 3 of which are teenagers. I live with my 5 year old daughters father who I have been with for 7 years. He is useless, my exhusband is useless. I work full time and have a 2 hour a day commute. On top of this I’m in school full time, I pay all of the bills for the kids except the morgage, do all of the shopping and cooking and cleaning because my kids are too lazy to do the chores they have unless they want something from me. The days where I want to “go out for milk” and never come back are more and more frequent and I hate that my life has reached this point. I come home and I cry, I yell at my kids and I cry, I think about how miserable they must be too and I cry. There has got to be a better way to live life then to regret every choice I have made.

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