I always said I would never smoke.

I always told people I would never smoke. I never wanted to until recently. I don’t have the courage to tell my mom, even though I am married and out of the house. I still feel like she would be disappointed. My little brother would be upset. I have seen the health risks it causes first hand, but I can’t not smoke. I feel so ashamed.

Lost

I think I love my boyfriend. He’s a pretty good guy. But I also think I’m not in love with him, possibly I never was. I know I won’t be as happy as I could really be, if I stay. But it would break his heart, it would break him. So it’s easier to do nothing, to change nothing, but it’s making me hate myself because I know I’ll regret this when I’m older – either just for the time I lost or maybe because I’ll still be with him and I’ll never know what it’s like to actually be with someone who makes you feel butterflies in your stomach. And I know how that feels, it happened to me a couple times in my life. Just not with him…

Lifelong Ghost

If anyone is reading this, I assume it’s a member of law enforcement because people in general always want to know “why” even when it doesn’t matter. I am not going to go into every gory detail but instead will just give a few shining examples. By the way, despite what you read here, I don’t blame anyone but MYSELF for my issues/problems/mistakes or self destructive behaviors.

For starters, my “parents” (who I would normally refer to as the “sperm and egg donors”) should never have married ANYone, let alone each other, and then never should have compounded the problem by having kids. There were both verbally and physically abusive; in particular my dad since he dealt out the corporal punishment, using his belt or a switch off a tree. Mom was more of the verbally abusive and belittling type although she never intervened during a beating and instead chose to watch it. Even after the ‘rents separated/divorced mom would call dad with a complaint over some minor infraction and he would come over and beat me and/or my bro. As for reasons for the abuse, my brother was the troubled kid but I never got into any trouble, got good grades etc. so it’s more like they both went looking for any excuse to “get off” on a beating. Otherwise, we were pretty much ignored.

School was not a safe haven, either. I was the poster child for the phrase “painfully shy”. Starting right off in kindergarden I was teased and made fun of on a daily basis, probably because of my lazy eye and very damaged front teeth. My eyes should have been operated on long before I started school but I wasn’t worth the money. My teachers basically told the ‘rents that I HAD to have sugery or they were going to report them so I finally had the surgery I needed at age seven, by which time I had lost a good deal of vision in my left eye. I then had to wear a “pirate patch” on my right eye to strengthen my left which of course left me wide open for teasing. My front teeth were badly damaged at about the same age when I pulled a dresser over on top of me. They stayed that way until I paid to get them fixed at age 28. Again, not worth the money. Once the kids at school had me targeted as the class scape goat it continued through all 12 grades. Teasing, harrassment, punching, tripping, hair pulling, etc; I had tacks on my classroom seats, had lunch trays dumped on me, had rocks thrown at me, once I was even shoved down the stairs. When I was in elementary school I told my mom some of what was going on and she basically told me to “quit being such a baby, quit whining, take care of it yourself” so I stopped telling anyone. This is why it was so hard for me to open myself up to trust anyone because I learned that I couldn’t trust ANYone, not even the two people a child should be able to trust. Thankfully, I remember very little about the first 18 years of my life.

Continue Reading this Confession

I want my childhood back

When I was thirteen I lost my virginity to a 24 year old. We would still keep in contact and after all the years have gone by I always wondered how it would be like if we were able to have a chance to be together since it wasn’t possible when I was at that age…up until last Sunday. I found out that he was arrested for having sex with a 15 year old girl and having naked pictures of her on his computer. Same things expressed in the news made me flashback to when he did the same things to me. I have never felt so disgusted and wish I would have never knew that ever happened. I am now 24, the age he took away my childhood and wonder what the hell was he thinking… what the hell was I thinking? I feel so ashamed knowing that he is part of my history and wish I could take it back. Makes me wonder if I was the first or were there others before me. He is supposed to be getting 25 years in prison. If I would have gone to authorities back then he would still be in prison right now and him repeating his patterns would have never happened. I wish I had someone to talk to about this but I am so embarrassed and disgusted of myself that I don’t think my family or my boyfriend will understand.

I wish I had died that day.

About half a year ago, I had almost succeeded in ending my life, but because I cared so much about someone taking notice, I waited until a family member came into the upstairs hallway where I had been sitting. I even had a full notebook of suicide letters. My mother came up after 30 minutes and found me with deep cuts all over my wrists. They weren’t deep enough though. But I wish I had gone deeper.

After that, my mother went down and brought my brother up with her. He sat down with me, and my mother went down again to make an emergency call to Brampton Hospital.

I felt so horrible after that, because it was the first time I had seen my older brother cry. The only thing I could say was sorry while he held me. He told me to stop because saying that made it worse. I found out then that he was also suicidal.

As it is obvious, I didn’t go through with it. Only because I love my brother dearly. Which is also a problem in itself. I’m in love with my biological brother. I know its wrong, and I can’t tell anyone about it for I fear what will happen. Then I will surely have the motivation to ending it all. This is not the type of love that most teenagers take lightly. It is not like.

Please, don’t say anything like “You’re disgusting, how could you have feelings like that for your own flesh and blood?!”
I just wanted to let it out. I’ve been keeping it down in my deepest memories and thoughts for so long, and it was hurting so much to keep it locked within myself.
You may want to know my age just for the heck of it. I’m only 16, soon to be 17 in July.

I guess my hopeless sin is lust.

Feeling guilty !

So I had a boyfriend 5 years ago. After we broke up, I was willing to do anything to get him back. We didn’t really have contact anymore. He never returned any of my emails, and if he did, he wasn’t being really nice or didn’t write much. I was wondering about his life without me. Did he have a new girlfriend? Did he ever think of me? So I made up a fake account and talked to him on msn. I pretended this fake girl was a good friend of mine. So that’s how I chatted with him, secretly hiding behind this fake account. He started to like this fake girl, but I kept telling him how great the real me was. And I even ended up sending naked pictures of myself. How stupid was I? And the worst part is, that he started talking to me again. He asked me how that (fake) friend of my got naked pictures of me. And then, we talked more often and we became friends again! I stopped using the fake account, but I never told him that it was fake. It still bothers me, I know I was wrong, I really feel guilty and I regret it. But I’m not sure if I can tell him or no. I wrote a letter, a letter where I explain everything to him. But I didn’t send it to him (yet). Should I do it, or just try to forget about it?

Beth

I am an escort. I am a crack head. I am fat. I am ugly. I am dirty. I am depressed and I hate myself. I get beat up by my loved ones physically and emotionally. I am a scammer. I am a liar. I went to cascade school and it never helped me. I went to suws and it was all a lie.

No matter how much you wish you can never go back in time and change the things you’ve done. No matter how hard you try its not what you know, it’s who you know. It never matters what you do, it only matters what people see you do. You can not fly. Dreams are called dreams because they are fantasy and can never be real. You are not allowed to feel pain or be sad, because it’s considered feeling sorry for yourself. Cops will not help you when you need it, they just want you to be another tick on their list. All firefighters are drunks and druggies. The more you plead for help, the more you won’t get it. Men can not truly feel love.

If there is a god, then I am going to hell. If there is a god, then he hates me.

no one is watching, when you’re dead you are just dead.

I hated making out with you. I’m sorry..

I had to tell someone what I did. I’m a girl, I got too drunk last night, and I was at a friend’s, and she said that we could get very drunk because it was her house, blah.. The thing is, we ended up making out, and touching each other on her bed. I feel so disgusted, it’s like a hate myself. I don’t wanna touch myself anymore. I feel the only way I can make the feeling go away is by making out with a guy, or something. It’s not as if I’m homofobic, but I didn’t wanna do that. Besides, her ways of kissing are not the greatest..If only I could turn back time..

Way back in the day…

I stole money from a retail store called Ups-N-Downs. I took $250 from the cash register. I faked a return and had another sales person help me. She was so young and I was stupid, thinking I could get away with it. I had her tear off buttons and blow cigarette smoke on a jacket. I filled out a return for cash form and I gave myself $250. I think it was more, I can’t remember. Anyway, a couple of weeks went by and nothing happened, so I thought I got away with it.

I wasn’t doing to well in my sales. I sold shoes better than I sold clothes. I was an Asst. Manager and I needed to be more prodcutive, but it just wasn’t working. One day, the District Manager came in with a few others and announced they were doing an audit on the store. My heart started to pound; pound right out of my chest.

They pulled me aside, and I just knew they were going to get me for the stolen money. But they didn’t. They said because my sales were so poor they were going to transfer me to another store, part-time. I was pissed. But relieved at the same time. I transferred to the other store but I just didn’t fit in.

I left that retailer and started a job at different retail store. Things started out pretty good until I got a call from my previous employer. I got busted. They called me in their offices and confronted me with all the information they had. I was so humiliated and embarrassed. I told them…get this…that I needed the money for an abortion! What a dummy! They said if I didn’t return the money, I would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. The district Manager said when I filled out the return for cash form, if I had used a friend’s address and phone number, I may have gotten away with it. When they called the name and number I put on the form, which was fake, that’s how they busted me. I freaked out. I mean, really freaked out!

I had a boyfriend at the time and I told him what I did. I told him the same story. He was a good guy and brought me the money from his paycheck. You have to understand that back in the 80’s, it was like it was now. But I was younger, no college and I was hanging on by a thread.

He bought it too. And not only that, I lost my job at the other retailer store too. I was desparate. I hated myself. I came really close to killing myself because I wasn’t raised that way and my parents would have so disappointed. I finally moved on from there but it was hard. It took me a long time to go forward.

Virgin

I am 20yr old about to be 21 this year and i never had a girl friend and never kissed anyone before. I feel left out because alot of people i know already had sex and most people alot younger then i am at least had a a boyfriend/girlfriend and i feel left out. i am so shy all the time and i feel like every girl only likes bad guys. i regret not doing anything in HS and JrHS

I turned into the mother I neer wanted to be today

My son tried my patience to the point today where I was yelling at him more than I have ever yelled. I have some memories of my mother being very distrot (sp?) and I think I may have planted some of those memories in my son’s head now.

i kissed a girl..

i have been with my bf for 4 years now. but a few yrs ago i met a lesbian who really liked me. we were just friends at first but she genuinely cared about me. i made out with her..multiple times and on a few occasions it went just a tad bit further. i didnt like her in that way, just liked the attention. i broke it off with her because i just couldnt do that to him anymore. its been at least 1 yr and a half. i love him so much but regret what i did.