Secret Confessions

I crucified you today.

I wrote other things, but at this point they are meaningless…….

Today I asked God to remove what I feel for you. I have given it to Him and I will leave it there.

I cheated on my last boyfriend. I met someone while on vacation on a cruise boat. He kissed me, and I kissed back. Many, many times.

The funny thing is, I don’t regret cheating on my boyfriend. He had a tendency to get drunk and tell stories about our personal life to his friends. Once, he told an entire room full of people how he’d given me an orgasm.

One of my regrets is that I still respect him enough not to do the same to him: tell a room full of people that I had to fake it.

My other regret is not having losing my virginity by having hot, passionate sex with the guy I met on vacation.

I have cheated in my past 6 relationships. I met this girl. we have been dating for 4 months and I promised myself it wouldn’t happen. She is away at her brother’s wedding. I had some friends over. at the end of the night it was just me, and my girlfriend’s best friend. We kiss. We make out. We kiss in the bed. We make out in the bed. Her best friend.

I live near a large metropolitan hospital, and as I was striding past yesterday, I noticed a very frail old man in a wheel chair. He was poised to try to cross the road, but I could see that it would take him hours. I stopped, turned back and asked him if he would like help. I slowly wheeled him in front of the traffic, but as we neared the other side, he started yelling at me. It was at that point I wish I had left him to try on his own. Altruism retracted.

For the way everything turned out. I think of you often and look at your site just to see your face. I wonder if you even give me a second thought. I still create things inspired by you. I hope one day you take a look and realize what you have inspired within me. You were always such a wonderful friend, I hate the way life got in the way. I just wanted to tell you that I hope you are and remain healthy, happy and terrific, but am too much of a coward to ever do so directly. I still carry my bit of luck and faith with me, I hope those bits shine upon this message to you, and you accept my thanks for being in my world when you were, and my apologies for what has happened to drive you away. Be well my friend, I will always hold you in the highest regard, you are a wonderful human.

I’m sorry I was a bitch at your wedding.

You probably think it’s because I don’t like you any more, or because I don’t approve of the marriage. That’s not true. You’re amazing. Your partner is amazing and the wedding was amazing.

So the truth of the matter?

It was because you broke my heart when you didn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid.

I grew up in care. That’s not my confession, it’s just a bit of background. In a way, it’s 2 confessions in one.

When I was 15, I went to my friend’s house, to get him up for college as I usually did, and upon entering his room I found him lying in a pool of his own blood on the floor. He had slit his wrists. This was a guy I had known since care, had been like my big and little brother rolled into one. The night before, I had cancelled going over to watch a movie. I feel so guilty, like I could’ve saved him.

To make matters worse, he had left 2 notes, one for his parents and one for me. My note said how he’d waited for me to call and say I’d changed my mind, and that he loved me but had never had the courage to tell me. I loved him, I always had, but I’d never had the courage either. Now I have to live my life knowing that if I had just told him he might be alright.

I gave my heart to you. I went from University student, to community college attendee living with his parents, just to be closer to you.

I changed lifelong plans, and lost incredible chances, just to make sure we could be together.

I broke great friendships off, because people said you weren’t good for me.

Then one night I get a phone call from your best friend in college. She tells me theres something I deserve to know.

She proceeds to explain to me, that you’ve had several sexual “adventures” in your dorm when I’m not visiting you.

She told me about the threesome you had, soon after I left one weekend.

She told me about the guy you ****** the day before Valentines (The night I couldn’t reach your cellphone because you were “building snowmen”)

She also told me that when I called you Valentines morning, you were laying on top of him naked as we spoke on the phone.

I spent that Valentines Day with you, I spent that entire day expressing my love for you. I wanted to make sure you knew just how incredible you were to me.

What completely blows my mind, is not only could you sleep with so many people and not feel the least bit of guilt. But you could pretend to love me, just HOURS after ******* some random guy.

Now, 1 year later…

My self-esteem is totally shot. I have serious trust issues. I blame you for everything.

My old confidence is completely gone. A woman at a department store walked right up to me and tried to start a conversation the other day. I couldn’t think of a SINGLE thing to say to her.

The old me, would’ve had her number in a heartbeat. Even five minutes after the fact, I had a hundred things I could’ve said. But at that moment, I completely turned in on myself.

**** You. You took 4 of the most important years of my life.

i knew he had a wife. but you know, love is blind so i went on…
i loved him more than my life but he left me because of his wife.
to take revenge,i told his wife everything.
now they are divorced.
every morning, i see him while he is going to work. our eyes always meet… we still love each other. but it all ended before it started. aww i love him STILL :(

I almost never lose control. The other day I was so angry at someone who’d parked their car too close to mine. I had to enter my car from the passenger side and climb over the stick shift. I keyed their car. I am so ashamed.

Please forgive me, I have had an abortion. I am so sorry.

I was sexually abused by several family members over a period of ten years. No one knew. It damaged me as a child.

One summer I prank called the home of a classmate whose life seemed perfect. I called a few hundred times that summer. I guess I was jealous and did not know what the H*LL I was doing. I really caused them a problem.

It’s been 40 years ago and I am still very sorry that I did that.

I puked on a ride at the carnival in front of a bunch of people from my school. I was so embarrassed by it, that I pretended to pass out. I didn’t “wake up” until I was in the car with my mom when she came to bring me to the hospital, which wasn’t until about 15-20 minutes later.

I was fine. Nothing was medically wrong with me, I just had motion-sickness, but I ended up scaring all my friends and my mom. One of my friends told me she thought I was dead.

People talked about it for weeks after and treated me like I had some terminal illness. People who never talked to me before were acting like they were my friends and that they cared about me, and I hated it. My friends still bring it up every now and then and talk about how scared they were for me. I just pretend I don’t remember any of it.

Next time I throw up in front of people, I’d rather laugh about it than make everyone think I passed out.

Its been rough, seeing you in the hallways, knowing that you know so much personal stuff about me but you don’t care.
I made a mistake this past year. I take full responsibility for my mistakes, you on the other hand just seem to want to act as if nothing happened.
Life doesn’t work that way. You can’t just befriend a girl who’s fallen head-over-heels for you, get all this personal information about her from her and then act like we were never even friends. If I could tell you how much I’ve wanted to just screw everything for the both of us up by telling you how much I liked you at one point, I would. But I’m already beginning to get over you and this stupid mess I got myself into. I’m not about to go back.

If you ever hear the song “Wasted” by Brandi Carlile, this situation will make more sense then.

I wish things could have worked out for us. But sometimes thats just the way the world turns.

I was with my husband for 6 years. Through the course of our relationship, he grew to be a college graduate and a successful businessman, earning 0K a year, traveling 2-3 weeks out of the month, and, in my mind, constantly reminding me I was never good enough. I loved his spark, his humor, his ambition, the nice dinners and vacations we would have, the big 4-bedroom house and our little family of neurotic pets. But the big house got lonely. And I got tired of never being good enough. I needed emotional support, which I searched for and finally found in a good male friend of mine. When I left my husband 3 months ago, I slept with my friend. I wavered back and forth as my husband tried to win me back and I wanted to go home, but I felt drawn to the comfort of my friend, afraid to let my husband back in. Then I made a cross-country move with my friend. We’re living in a hotel, looking for a 2-bedroom place, unwilling to admit we are in a relationship even to each other. I am miserable. Running away has only made things worse. I am somehow still reluctant to divorce my husband. I see pictures of him and his new girlfriend and I want to choke her. But I can’t imagine going back to that emotional place. I want to tell my friend I love him, because I think he needs to hear it…. but I don’t love him that way. Not because he doesn’t deserve it… but because I am still in love with my husband, and I don’t feel like I am worthy of love… from anyone.