Hate being a mom full time and all my inner me

Posted by Bad mommy in Hate on Mar 22nd, 2010 | 2 comments

I love my baby, he is just 7 months old. But some time like know I fill that I am not good mom, and that is because I don’t like to be.
I really miss my life my time, and my body.
My husband is so good, these days, I think he still feel guilty because he cheated on me two years ago. Well, and I have to admit, I can’t forget neither forgive yet.
We moved to USA exactly a month after I found out his affair and all his cruel mind games he played on me.
Any way, I decided to continue our plan to came to USA so he can study a master, eventually go back to Mexico.
He found a job in USA, so we have stayed here, for now.
But I feel so bad, about all:

+I miss my self-esteem because I allowed to cheated on me and continue together. I have to confess: he is the must amaizing man I have ever met. JUST PERFECT (just a hair in the soup)
+I have troubles with my english proficiency and I cant make new friends, in this new city I moved to.
+The baby is not helping, keeping me busy 24/7. He still waking every 2 hrs during the day.
+I can’t work, visa issues, so I feel so unproductive
+I hate the house chores, I miss my mexican maid
+I don’t have energy to change my negative energy to get out of this black deep hole.
+I am so obsessive trying to be perfect mom, it just frustrated me. I set my goals to high.
+Hate my stretch marks and extra pounds (accumulated all in my wrist)happy
+Constantly afraid to lose my husband this time for good.

= I feel useless, stupid, frustrated, negative, fat, ugly, low respect for myself.

I am so afraid of all this that I change for a family with my cheating husband would end in what I see eminent in the long term. He, again, with a young beautiful perfect girl happy forever. And me with non economical support, no friends, no family around, no career, no life, a son with his own life.

Oh my god, this is the first time I visit this web. I saw some post and wonder how people write so long. Now I started to write and I can’t stop, I just have so much bad feelings inside. My baby don’t deserve this sour mom.

I have all the theory of how to be better, but I really want to know how to put all this in practice. I don’t know what to expect from you stranger posters.

I am realizing that I should find help, but I have tray psychologist once, and it was not useful. I tried psychiatric and neither worked. What next?

Happy birthday

Posted by Donny in Hate on Mar 15th, 2010 | 1 comment

I’ve had people wishing me happy birthday all day.

They don’t realise that I loathe myself, and hate this day above all days. I wish I’d never been born. That I’d never fathered my three children who have to grow up with me as their father, slowly but surely infecting them with my cynicism at a world where everyone can justify their hate whether through their claimed religion, or justify it by “reason and logic”.

I don’t kill myself because I don’t want to destroy my children’s lives because I hate my own.

I Hate My boyfriend and I Hate being mom to the kid we Have

Posted by Anonymous in Hate on Jan 30th, 2010 | 6 comments

I didn’t even have this kid. I just donated the womb and I didn’t even mean to do that. He purposefully didn’t pull out because he said he was ” mad”. Yeah he was mad at the other chick he was freaking. When it came time to get the abortion, he takes 100 dollars and tricks it off on another fat skank in a cheap motel room. I tried everything I could to kill this kid and hopefully me with it, I hate adoptions, I couldn’t give up the kid after it’s been in me this long. The only reason why I love her this much is because she was living in me for 7 months. Yeah she was a preemie, apparently she’s here for a reason, any other baby would’ve died after living in me. He told me I should’ve “kept my legs closed to a mad man” and how I could’ve put her up for adoption despite it wasn’t what I wanted and it was my money that was being used. I can’t stand looking at him and he’s only here now because I’m making sure I fuck him up mentally. I don’t love him, I don’t even respect him. I have to get drunk to have sex with him and if I’m not drunk I just lay there. The Poor little girl deserves much better than both of us, he did the crap on purpose to keep me at the house. When I did work, I didn’t want to come home I couldn’t stand looking at her, i couldn’t stand smelling him. I would ask my boss everyday for overtime, I’d even do a double I just didn’t wanna go home. I’ve been wanting to cheat on him but I can’t I don’t even find sex pleasurable anymore, it disgust me. I feel like no one wants me anyway. He has another little girl with a chick who he had a fling with a couple years ago. He first lied about her being pregnant then he blames me for why he was there in the first place. Never have I felt to compelled to kill someone, I fought him last night and nearly beat his skull with my heater, like he did to me 2 years ago. I only stopped because I didn’t want the cops at my fathers house and I wasn’t going to prison behind someone who deserves a slow painful death. I told him I’d marry him just to make his life hell, since neither one of us believe in divorce. I wouldn’t be faithful, I’d lie about the littlest things and make him feel guilty for the things I’ve done. I don’t have much to lose emotionally and I can spare the time. No one has ever walked away from me without missing some part of themselves. Manipulaters often forget that they can be manipulated.

I change in the bathroom in gym

Posted by nobody in Hate on Jan 20th, 2010 | 5 comments

because my legs and arms are covered in welts

I hate everything about myself
I’m ugly
I want to die.

i cant stand u

Posted by jen in Hate on Jan 10th, 2010 | 0 comments

u cheated on me twice nd broke my cheek bone.how wud u ever expect me to still love u. i hate being around u. i stay with u only because we just had a child. secretly i wanna leave. i still tlk to my exes still tlk to random guys but i cant stand u so idun care

Hate for my life and my body

Posted by K in Hate on Jan 4th, 2010 | 7 comments

I’ve never liked how I looked. I can’t find anything about myself that I like. My skin color, my eyes, my voice, body parts, I hate them all. I wish I could be someone else, someone pretty. I’m 120lbs and still I think I’m fat. I want to lose weight so badly. I’ve done some things I shouldn’t, I’m scared, but sometimes I just don’t care. Still, I can’t say that I fit into the cookie cutter of what it means to have an eating disorder. The intelligent side of me recongizes that it’s a danger to my health, but the other side of me doesn’t care. I’ve been alone all my life and it seems like I shouldn’t care since I don’t go out or have a life or friends anyway, but I do. I care so very much that it’s all I think about from day to day. I always feel like I get overlooked when I do happen to get out by everyone, like I’m invisible. Maybe I am. I don’t want people to overlook me because I’m not pretty enough or skinny enough, but that’s how the world is, isn’t it? I’ve never had a proper father figure and at almost 20 years old I desperately want a male in my life to love me. I’d like that to be in the form of a boyfriend since I’ve never had one, but that will probably never happen. Even if it did, I feel I’d be too hesitant to have a relationship with anyone because I’m screwed up enough as it is and I don’t need to pile relationship issues on top of that. Still, I want a guy so badly. Maybe I’d feel better if someone other than my family could love me even if they knew all the crap that came with me. Is there anyone out there like that for me? I know there’s probably no one listening, but that’s okay. It’s nice just being able to write it down, get it out. I don’t feel any better, it’s just nice.

I Hate Myself: but, Oh! – to be a Woman (I guess I feel shameful too…)

Posted by Anonymous in Hate on Dec 22nd, 2009 | 3 comments

I just finished my first semester @ graduate school – lets just say I’m going into a profession involving the ethical distributing of services to individuals in need or crisis. I’m doing much better than I was a year ago but nevertheless:

Everyone in my life thinks I have been clean for 1 year from a bad oxycontin and heroin sniffing habit that developed for 9 years – yet I have slipped up a few times – nobody but my caseworker knows about this.

I just completed my final papers – but I completely forged 1/3 of one and lied to my friends/family/girlfriend about it. In addition, I also lied about my finishing a different final paper to those same individuals. The paper is now late. I sent an email to the proffesor and attached a document which I plan on passing off as having mailed it by mistake. I hope my professor buys it! I hate to do such a malicious thing but, I couldn’t manage my time…a-gain. A.M-f’ing-gain. – I need to write the other one tomorrow or i’m pretty sure she’ll catch on and I’ll really be screwed.
(more…)

I hate being a mom

Posted by anon in Hate on Aug 31st, 2009 | 6 comments

I HATE being a mom. I never sleep anymore. I don’t go out or read or watch television without distraction. When I do, I have to take her with me and lug around a million things. And I’ll have to sell the car of my dreams because I can’t fit everything. I used to fit into clothes, and now I stare at the closet full of clothes I can’t wear. I used to weigh 132 lbs. Now, I can’t even look at the scale without wanting to break it, even though I eat like a bird, and who has time to exercise when she doesn’t sleep longer than 20 frickin’ minutes at a clip?!? And sex is nonexistent because it hurts. Like knife through the vagina hurt. My life is over. And my husband? He still goes to work, goes to the gym, and is generally free. So I hate him, too.

I fantasize about killing people

Posted by Anonymous in Hate on May 10th, 2009 | 63 comments

does anyone else do this?

When people are mean or disrespectful to me, I want to pull out a gun and shoot them in the face. I fantasize about it daily. I don’t know if I’ll ever do it for real.

I wonder if anyone else does this or if I’m just crazy

I hate my step dad.

Posted by step daughter in Hate on May 3rd, 2009 | 2 comments

I have hated him since my mother married him 32 years ago. Now she is gone and he is married to another. I feel sorry for her. She was dumb for marrying him though. I would have warned her if I had known her. She went and married him before even getting to know him. She probably felt sorry for him but she never should have. He doesn’t deserve sympathy. He is the biggest bastard I have ever known. One of the last things my mother said before she passed was how sorry she was that she made me put up with the asshole.

Now he is old and sick. I am glad. I hope he suffers to his dying day like he made me suffer for 12 years of my life.

I know it was last summer, but the memories still haunt me.

Posted by Phantom in Hate on Mar 6th, 2009 | 9 comments

I was sexually assaulted last summer.
The person was a friend of mind, a good friend. I had just been rejected by my ex and was crying, broken-hearted and in pain.
All I wanted to do was be comforted by someone.
All I wanted was a shoulder to cry on.
So I called you, hoping you would be there for me.
You live close by and told me to come over so we could talk about it.
I got on the next bus and was there in minutes.
There I was, knocking on your front door in tears.
You opened it and invited me in.
We went into your room and turned on some music, one of our favorite bands.
I had noticed your parents weren’t home but thought nothing of it.
Then you hugged heart broken little me, with tears streaming down my face.
Then, before I knew it, you were kissing me.
Your hands were all over me, and you were undressing me, and yourself.
I stood there in complete shock, and totally naked.
You pushed me onto the bed, and had your arms around me.
I tried to push you off of me, but you’re just too strong.
You started to try and touch me in a lower private area.
I started to come out of shock, and I slapped your hand away.
You said ow and continued to try and hold me down.
I managed to slip away from you, and I started to get dressed.
You bagged me to stay, but once I got dressed, I ran out of your house and began to walk into town, hoping to catch a bus.

Even though all of this happened in a matter of short minutes, I still have nightmares about it all.

I told my mom about what had happened two months after.
My mom talked with yours, and all I asked was that you stayed away from me and never contacted me ever again.
You agreed and we haven’t talked since.

Why do the nightmares still haunt me like this? *Sigh*
I don’t want to go to a therapist, and I don’t really trust them at all, but I think it could help.

What should I do??

If only i could forget…

Posted by A. in Hate on Feb 21st, 2009 | 6 comments

I keep trying to forget in every possible way but it keeps hunting me back at night. My huncle used to perv on my when i was younger between the age of 4 and 9. He was over 40. He used to create games when we were alone where he used to push him self upon me and touch me in a certain way. I had no idea what was going on and only realized what he was doing when i got older and i have no dubts now of what he was doing. It couldnt have gotten any worst because as much as i was young it always felt weird to me and i was a smart kid but i didnt think i had to worry as he was family. It makes me sick. I somehow feel guilty for letting it happen because i always felt there was something wrong with it but did not know what to do. I hate him and i want to make him pay for what he is making me feel now but i dont know what to do. It was over 10 years ago but as time gets by i only feel worst about it. I honestly think he has no idea i remember or realize but now we are not talking dued to other family issues but i really want him to know i remember everything but i cant now because it would hurt my grand mother (his mother) too much.. I really want to make him pay for what i feel now but i dont know what to do. I have nightmares about it where i confront him and he starts getting abusive. I try to forget but i cant. I wish i could ignor it and move on with my life but I want revenge.