Secret Confessions

My ex hurt me damn badly. i want to hate her, but i cant seem to do it. sometimes i still wish we were together. but i know its not what i actually want. sometimes i hate her, times i don’t. i’m going crazy. i gotta let go.

i hate myself for no reason! i always bring myself down. i never give myself any credits for doing anything right! i dont know why im like this and i really hate what i made myself become! i dont trust people coz they’re the reason i feel so dead and broken so useless and pathetic! the only reason im still alive is because im still searching for the missing pieces!

I don’t want you here.

You know that dog, the one that whenever you go over to your friend’s house for dinner, comes running up and humps your leg? That pushing, intruding cur that forces his attentions on you constantly, and because it’s your friend’s “sweet poochie-woochie” you have to grit your teeth and smile?

I don’t like that dog. I don’t like you for the same reasons.

You’ve managed to destroy and disintergrate everything I wanted or enjoyed about this existence. Anything I wanted or that made me happy, you pounced on, soiled and cheapened, and then held it up to show everyone “how good” you are to me. You’ve fucked up my life in ways too numerous to count. When you leave, that person that I used to be creeps back out and shines, and I love that feeling. I like her. Hell, everyone likes her.

I want to lie in the dark, staring up at the ceiling and having a conversation that actually has- get this- depth and debate, with someone who isn’t you. I want to be able to grab someone’s hand and drag them off into a dark corner. I want… things that are a insubstantial as soap bubbles and prayers, now. I suppose I should thank you for that.

I want to go through my daily routine without having you bitching and grating on about shit you know nothing about. Everytime you grope me, my skin crawls and my stomach turns. Contrary to the legend you are in your own mind- you are not Casanova. That would be why I shamelessly took a lover, why I am considering taking another, and why, if it weren’t for you, I would belong to someone else right now, body and soul.

I hate you, and if I could, I would leave you in a cloud of dust, and run as far and fast as four wheels and Detroit steel could take me. I would give up everything, disappear from sight, lose everyone I care about, if it would give me half a chance of getting the fuck out of this black hole you call “love.”

And if it was only me, I would.

You wanted to know how I feel about you being here every other day. You were so very excited and happy with yourself for this clever way of being “on the road” without actually going the fuck away. You wanted me to shower you with praise. Well, consider yourself showered. Now you know what I think.

I hate buying Christmas gifts and cards for family and friends becasue I never feel like my gifts are good enough.

i hate a cousin of mine so much.. she’s been a total bitch to me since we were five.. she talks behind me back spreading malicious rumors about me.. she tells all her bfs and friends that i have drinkin issuses n that im a prostitute, i get with guys who would pay me.. i also hate her because she’s so passive-aggressive.. she acts that she loves me and that enjoys my company, but really it’s all the opposite of what’s true. i wish that i could tell that bitch to just back off..

I hate my aunt for reasons she knows. She’s ugly, loud and the most disgusting person I know. Everytime I think of her I am filled with disgust. I avoid going home to see my mother because I know she’ll be around. I want her to move far away so I will never have to see her again.

I’m so twisted. I act like i’m a quiet angel outside of home when i’m with my friends and teachers and at church, but really, when i’m at home, i curse out my parents, i drink excessively, i am uncontrollable because my parents just hound me about everything, so i guess that i just rebel.

I have my family ready to kill me and the rest of the world looking at me like i’m perfect and i hate myself for this.

I own his number one fansite but the truth is, I hate all of you stupid fans - you are all so greedy and request things from me without a please and thanks. Get your shit out of my face.

I’m taking up something for my degree which I really hate (and giving up something I really love) because I want to get a permanent residence in the U.K. and this is the only way in which I can get a job and a working visa. If I don’t get my permanent residence certificate, I’d probably breakdown and commit suicide because my hard work will mean NOTHING in the end.

I feel like God picks on people and sometimes I scream at him when I’m alone.