Currently Browsing: Guilt

Hung. Over.

Posted by in Guilt on Aug 2nd, 2010 | 8 comments

I am 17 years old and last night was the first time I ever got drunk. Growing up, I have known the dangers of alcohol. My father’s alcoholism nearly tore our family apart when I was ten. Both of his parents were also alcoholics and I know that my chances of becoming one are higher because of this. My Family is very religious, and I’m sure someone up there is disappointed in me right now.

lie..

Posted by in Guilt on Jul 28th, 2010 | 5 comments

i lied to all my friends about having bulimia to get attention.

lies

Posted by in Guilt on Jul 27th, 2010 | 4 comments

i lie to make mysef feel bettewr & its horroble and i dont know how to stop , im a liar.

not sure I want to remain married

Posted by in Guilt on Jul 15th, 2010 | 3 comments

I married him because he is my soulmate. He is 26 years older than me. The problem now is the difference between him at 55 and him now, at 72 is huge. When we met, he worked full time. now he is retired and complains every day about aches and pains; not having money; feeling bad about himself..the list goes one. I have been cheating..there have been four different guys in past four years..one i still see and speak to regularly..i cheated because i want to feel like a woman in her 40′s (and not 72)I never wanted kids but now i sometimes feel i have missed out. i care about him deeply and he is the only ‘family’ i have. but i am living a double life

i wish that I would disappear or they would

Posted by in Guilt on Jul 13th, 2010 | 3 comments

I’m 30 and still work in fast food, I had my oldest daughter really young (not an excuse) but I did graduate high school and thats as far as I went. Me and her father eventually got married when she was 7. She was a great child. I decided even though I had a rough time with depression and PPD after her that we should try for another one. Within 3 months I was pregnant again. Things were great life was good and I finally felt like I was getting my fairy tale ending…Then, the company we worked for shut down, we were both out of work, literally so poor that I would take extra paper towels and toilet paper from public restrooms till our next unemployment check came in. Our combined unemployed gave us to much income to get more than food stamps and pregnancy medicaid (thank goodness) but it was barely enough to cover the bills (and we cut down everything, to the basics, no phone, computer, we did have cable b/c I didn’t want to take everything from our daughter, no cell phones, we moved to cheaper housing). He began to drink again. Then he got really stupid and ended up in prison (this was completly out of his cahracter and side swipped me) a month before our youngest was born.
Fast forward….He is still locked up I work at mcd’s my oldest hardly stays at home with me and the youngest b/c my moods. I’m trying to go back to school, which makes me even more stressed out. We have moved again into an even smaller place, sold my car got a cheapo fixer upper. I’m trying really hard to do everything right. My youngest though I love her I wish some times I had had a crystal ball not only is my situation stressful, she is a horrible terribler two-er, constant tempertanturms, shes the kid everyone hates to see in public b/c I can’t control her, when I try it only makes her louder, meaner and more uncontrollable. Home life is a nightmare. And as bad as I hate my job, its my only break and time away from her, I f I could work 24/7 I would. I scream and yell constantly so much so that DSS was called. I do love her but dam I need some help or at least a break.
No one will babysit and I can’t afford insurance, so drs nannies all that is out the window. I just hope that confessing this will help and if anyone has any tips please let me know.

FOOD

Posted by in Guilt on Jul 10th, 2010 | 3 comments

I’m going to Ecuador with school in 6 days.
I am also a recovering anorexic, who is only allowed to go on the expedition because i’ve gained 5lbs and proved that I will eat while i’m there.
I continue to eat (as I see it) LOADS of food in order to gain weight to lose while there, as we are trekking for 5 hours a day, every day.

I’m really excited about the trip, but one of my main reasons for being excited? The fact I get to lose weight while i’m there, then come home, and am ALLOWED to continue losing weight and become disordered when i’m back.

Sad thing is, my mum thinks i’m perfectly fine and really fully recovered. I don’t have the heart to tell her that the only reason i’m eating now is because I know I get to starve later.

Dear Mum,

Posted by in Guilt on Jun 23rd, 2010 | 3 comments

I know i’m just your biggest disappointment out of all my three other siblings.
I used to say i hated you when i was 13 after you had your boyfriend too soon after the divorce with Dad.
I was too much trouble for you, and unintentionally turned a few family members against you. I didn’t mean to, i promise.

I’m 15 now, i’ve matured tremendously. I love you, you know that.. because now we have the best relationship any mother and daughter could have.
But behind all our laughs and smiles, i can’t help but feel like you’re disappointed in me.

I’m bisexual. I never wanted to be, i actually tried to convince myself that i wasn’t. But i couldn’t help it, my first girl crush was when i was just 5. I eventually accepted my sexuality when i was 13.
Dad knows about it, and he accepts it because he just wants me to happy. But i can’t find the courage to tell you. Dad has even offered to help me confess to you, but i can’t. You’ve made a lot of lesbian jokes and you’ve said that lesbians are disgusting before.

I just don’t want to disappoint you even more.
I don’t want you to be embarrassed and ashamed of me.
No female in our family are lesbian or bisexual.
Just my uncle, your brother, is gay. But gay men are more accepted in our very small town.
But even then, you sometimes even make fun of his sexuality and joke that he’s my “auntie” instead of uncle.

My friends know about my sexuality, too. They’ve lovingly accepted it.

I feel like i’m lying to you, like i’m betraying you.
You have the right to know everything about me.
You know that i used to smoke ciggarettes and hash, and sniffed cocaine.
But this is different.. i just think that you would be disgusted by me.

I don’t want to ruin our relationship, you’re more than a mum to me.. i feel like you’re also my best friend.
So i think it’s just best if i never tell you.

Horribly Ashamed and engulfed by despair

Posted by in Guilt on Jun 12th, 2010 | 5 comments

When i was 10 or 11, i cant remember now, i convinced my brother to do things to me sexually. i was home schooled at the time and was just entering puberty. my brother was 6 or 7. this continued till i was 12 when my parents found out. i never knew that what i was doing was wrong. my brother always loved me and did anything for me. i abused this love. i cant b more sorry. i remember at that age that i had wished that older girls i knew were my sister so sexual things could happen between us. i dont think a day goes by that i am not tormented by the fact that this happened. i constantly think of suicide. i wear a mask and appear content with my life as it is, and it is fine. when i realised my mistake i swore to never do something like this again, and never will. my brother now a days and i are good friends, but i cant help but think that i should b damned for my actions and suffer accordingly. when my parents found out they were ashamed but understood that i didnt know it was wrong. they excercised unconditional love and said that if it happened again i would b out. like i said it didnt. i suppose i should b proud i understood my mistake and took action towards never making a similar mistake. i have never confessed this until now. what i did haunts me to this day. i have a hard time approaching girls because i feel undeserving. even tho this happened years ago. sometimes i just want to kill myself before my hate for myself explodes. i dont know what to do. i dont know what to feel. all i know is that i am trying to move forward and do things with my life. sometimes i smoke a lot of weed to cope and get addicted for short periods of time. i feel like al pacino in godfather 3 when he confesses to killing fredo every time i see my brothers face. he is an amazing kid. he seemingly doesnt let it get to him and he is very social and enjoys life more than 95% of people ive ever met. i just hope he isnt scarred by this. his happiness for life and his dedication to the things he does is part of the reason i havent offed myself. my parents have never mentioned this since i was caught. i am honestly too afaid to talk to them about it. I am doing the best i can. i never wanted anything like this to happen to me or anyone. i was an extremely happy and outgoing child until this. i think it was because i was sexually growing without anyone my own age i took it out on him. i have recently had 2 very happy relationships with two girls who dont know what i am telling u. i am shocked that they find good in me. but they also do not know. i am not writing this for sympathy. just for others out there like me that wish to stop hating themselves like i do. i am writing this simply for it to b writen.

wishing it never happened

Posted by in Guilt on Jun 9th, 2010 | 4 comments

i had mind-blowing sex with my boyfriend’s best friend…to make matters worse his best friend’s wife is a good friend of mine. i am losing control, what we thought was a one-time deal is starting to become a habit. every time i am around him, i cant help but want him and salivate, allowing him to fondle me whenever no one is watching.i feel horrible and i know i am risking losing my boyfriend and my friends,i really want to stop.

tired of curse

Posted by in Guilt on Jun 5th, 2010 | 5 comments

i always think about woman when i have sex with my boyfriend.

sorry

Posted by in Guilt on May 26th, 2010 | 0 comments

i hurt the people i love, my husband and family and my first love and he’s family, i love my husband and kids, but i also had deep feelings for my first love, we got in touch and for me it was amazing he said i was he’s true love and i was in heaven untill he’s wife was on he’s id then it went bad we split up he ‘s wife chucked him out and he now hates me. its been nearly ayear but he still texts me. is this from hatred? im beside myself. as i dont know if she knows or it was him just wanting me gone but wanting me to feel guilty. i cant eat my health has plummeted and as you can see i cant sleep. ive said i cant take it and i want to confess to my husband but he says no, is he playing mind games. im really hurt, sick and in need of help. xx

virginity

Posted by in Guilt on May 24th, 2010 | 7 comments

last night i lost my virginity to my roommate.. I have a boyfriend who I told I would let take it.. I dont know whether to lie and say im still a virgin.. or to tell him.. If I tell him im scared he’ll break up with me, and hes one of the only boys ive ever wanted this bad.. Why did I do something so stupid? I feel like my walls are closing in.. I need help

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