I’m a stoner

I’ve smoked pot everyday for 14 years and I’m a nurse.

Why don’t I do the things I need to do?

I have ****** up so many times at work. The issue is that no one knows the things that I have let slide. I have let certain licenses lapse…licenses where we are currently doing business. When this blows up…I will lose my job..and friends that I have had for 20 years. My problem is – I have had plenty of time to fix the issues…instead I let things keep going wrong…and now it’s too late. What is wrong with me?

selfish.

I weigh 96 pounds and still I think I need to lose more weight. I have an application on my computer that lets you figure out what you’ll weigh on a certain date depending on weight, height, how many calories you eat a day etc. According to this, I’ll be dead by January. Maybe sooner if I don’t get better. And still, all I’m planning to eat tomorrow is an apple. I’m a disgustingly selfish and vain person.

Stupidity

I think im a pathological liar
i lie about stupid thing that arent even worth lying about.
Then i just look stupid
but i never get caught in a lie
because i do it so much ive become so good at it!

Losing it

Grandpa has alzheimer’s. Every day I spend with him, he forgets who I am, and thinks I’m other people. Every day, he does things that make no sense and that are dangerous and I have to try and make sure he stays safe. Every day… I get a little more irritated even though it’s not his fault. It’s hard to put on a happy face and be supportive and caring through all of this when it doesn’t even seem to matter. So the guilt of my anger and frustration with his disease is eating away at me from the inside because it’s not HIS fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. That’s the problem, there isn’t anything tangible to blame, just some stupid disease that doesn’t have a cure. Why does it have to be like this?! Why can’t he just remember everything like he used to? Grandma and I both feel bad for getting mad at him, but it’s just so much more difficult watching him disappear than we wanted to believe.

9/11

my whole family thinks i died in 9/11. i left the next day on a train to detroit so i wouldnt have to tell them that their favorite son died and i made it out okay.

Inner Demon

Ok well, I’m 14 years old soon to be 15. My family fell apart before I was born. My real father was abusive to my mom ( from what she told me) and he never wanted me. My mom had to quit school for a while to take care of me, and luckily she had my grand mom and some other “friends” to help me out….although she had one friend we’ll call Dave in my life who paid for my school tuition, I never felt like I had a father. For some reason whenever she left me…I would imagine her never coming back. I guess that’s when I grew independent. I always dreamed of my true father coming back to me…saying how much he wanted me, and secretly I don’t think my mom wanted me. Although she cares for me, buys me things, she always wanted to be a nurse. And I stopped her from it. And she was married when she had me…just didn’t think my dad would leave me.

Later when she was about to take the exam, my aunt stole about 10 grand from her and she’s still trying to this day. In the meantime, my life has lifted up a bit…my grades are good I guess and I have a step-father. But the one thing that will scare for life is this: One of my 3 step-brothers has “mental problems”. He molested me…more than once. I liked it. When I moved in with my step-dad at first he was fine. I was adapting badly and got called “the stupid nappy heady black girl” and I would sit in a corner and cry and tell people I was happy the next day. He gave me a false sense of comfort…I was foolish and went for it..again at 6th grade I felt myself growing up…I’ve went to doctors and other specialists. They say I’m “fine”. I’m good at hiding emotions. When I first got enough courage to tell my mom, she didn’t believe me. I guess she wanted her new marriage to last but it isn’t working…there’s so much more to tell but I can’t control my tears as I write this. I want to be like my other friends….have a normal life, a nice house, normal background. Everyone has inner demons but I can’t bear mine anymore. I used to cut, but my mom stopped me….but maybe I can bear it,,,,maybe. Help me..please. I can’t swim and the my lake of sorrows is too deep….I’m drowning.

Yikes! That’s bad!

In a hotel I was looking at the internet connection. I tried the wireless on my iPod and it said enter room number. I entered a random room number (on same floor) then It said choose payment package ($ for one day of internet, etc) I chose one day. then it said enter first and last name. So I put a one letter name in both and I figured it wouldn’t work cuz hey they must check the names of the room to confirm right!? But it accepted it and I was in! I felt so bad because what will happen?? Will some poor dude have to pay like 5 or maybe 12 bucks for Internet!?! Or will my mom get a bill and yell at me!?!? Ugh! I feel so bad.. It was an accident!!! I’m sorry!!

Sometimes I am embarrassed….

of my boyfriend. Don’t take me wrong, I love him with all of my heart, he’s my first love but sometimes there’s little things that I wish he didn’t do. I’ve never told anyone about this and it makes me feel bad because he tells me all these pretty things and I love him so much and I’ve never told him about it.

Hypocrite

I am Catholic. A very religious Catholic. I am also 14. My boyfriend lives in another state but from far away knows how to turn me on. I stop him every time. Not because I want him to. But because the guilt is too much to take. Secretly, I wish we could have sex but I know the down side of that. My family, religion, and myself except better than that from me but sometimes I wish I wasn’t any of that. I know right now, God doesn’t love me so much.

Sweet dreams

My boyfriend has been trying to get me pregnant. I know this because he used to tell me condoms were 100% neccesary, but ever since we broke up then got back together he says he can’t feel anything….On top of that he sometimes says he wants me to have hs babies while were doing it. So he did succeed. In getting me pregnant. But I don’t want to be with him for the rest of my life. So… I had an abortion 4 months ago. And now I can’t stop having nightmares about having a baby but it vomits up blood or dies in some insane way! I wake up in the middle of the night all the time…crying, screaming, or breathing heavy.

Confessing to my BF

Last year i was raped by one of my best friend at his place. i was horrified and was in a shock and honestly didnt know wht to do and whm should i go to seek help.
After a week i confessed it to my boyfriend that i was raped but at that point of time i didnt tell him the whole incident that it was my best friend who did it. I lied to him that the person who did it was a stranger. Some days back i confessed everythng to my boyfriend that it was my best friend who raped. Now he thinks that i never loved him and i was just doing two timing with him. he is very upset and he feels that it wasnt a rape but it was something i didnt do it with my consent. How do i make him trust that it was a rape and that i lied only cos i didnt wanted him to think this way? Pls help