Addicted

I’m addicted to pain pills. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on my habbit. My tolerence is so high that I now take 4 80mg oxycotin, or 10 methadone tablets plus 6 10mg percocets. It wasn’t to long ago that I screwed up really bad, and not paying attention to how high I was, I nearly died. The thing is, I don’t want to give up my habbit at any cost. Even my own death. For someone who does as much as I do, you would barely know it to look at me, except on occasion where I start nodding out. I’m connective, I speak pretty well, the only tell tale sign is the pin point pupils, and the green eyes, which are normally blue. I don’t want to stop, ever. But in my heart I do hold an enormous guilt to what it’ll do to my mom, my brother, my friends that love me, if next time I slip up to severe, I don’t make it back. And guilt to God, for needing an out from a life I can’t stand to live, but don’t dare to end.

I Can’t See Myself

I thought about it for a long time, and I went to therapy for disorderly eating behavior. I’ve gone through so much, learning the best way to keep myself in the perfect image of what society thinks of as being beautiful. And after losing ten pounds, I looked in the mirror, and all I could see was how much fatter I was than before, but I kept looking at my ribs and just realizing that I could see them. I couldn’t before.

I’ll never see myself as beautiful. I can’t.

im sorry

Today I saw my mom cry. And the she cried was because of me. I made rude remark about the clothes she was wearing. And how I don’t want to be seen with her. After that I went to do a errand. While she waited in the car. When i came back she cried right there in the driver seat saying that I have no respect for her. And when I saw the tears , I knew she was right. She provides a roof over my head, puts food on the table and raised. me for years. And when I realized that I cried because it must be so hard for her to raise a child that doesn’t respect what she does to provide for family. So again mom I’m sorry. And I promise told change.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

I used to tell so many lies it’s disgusting. I hate myself for my lying past. I made up stories and people. Every day. I lied every day of my life. I lied to friends and family and I lied to strangers. I lied about everything. Over the years it bothered me more and more and I gradually confined my lying to strangers online. These people would befriend me, the fake me, and I’d sometimes become close to them. I’d care about them and feel guilty that I lied to them about even my name and face. Every lie I wish I could take back. I was/am pathetic. I have no life. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone but thought nobody would like me if they knew how pathetic I actually am. I’m making a commitment to stop this crap once and for all. Sick of myself. Sick of being such a loser.

Lila Love has an affair

I think I am falling in love with a man other than my husband. I spent a week with this man in another state. My husband knew about it and was fine with it because he doesn’t think we do anything. You see they are friends and the man I go away with is ill, so i go to help him out on the trains and with his appointments. I know that most people would think its wrong that after ten years of marriage I should be doing this to my husband. However, I am tired of doing nothing with my life. I come home to be bored, sitting here, writting this I am alone. I had such a good time when I was with him. He wanted to be with me, love me, hold me, make love to me….I don’t get that at home. I want to forget about it, forget about how much I love him but as I sit here I am reminded of why I do. When I am home I feel like the maid, when I am with him I feel like a princess. I wish I wanted my husband more, but he gave up on talking to me about what bothers me a long time ago. He gets defensive when I bring up certain subjects and I am just tired of it all. I just want to run away from the life I am living and run off with my friend. Going home, after making love for a week with a man that truly wanted me; who made me feel beautiful felt so right. I know that if my husband and I split he would want me but I don’t want to leave my husband, he’s done nothing to deserve what I am doing; but I’m not going to stop, not when I feel this good. I know it’s wrong, but I finally feel valued and alive again!

Abortion

l recently had an abortion ,and l really can’t get over the guilt , can you please give me advice t get over this , l really feel very bad about what l did ,but l did not have an option to it!! Abortion was my only way out

too late for words

about 5 years ago i had a fling with a married woman. it was just sex for me, but it was special for her. it ended badly. i just pretended it didn’t bother me, but it did. i hoped that someday i could tell her that i was sorry. that i had been a jerk and she deserved better…..she died last night. the only words i have now are guilty prayers. she was better than what she got and i am less for not telling her so.

im dissapointed

I cut myself and got caught once in my room during then act when my mom came in and saw me, she told me i had to stop but i had no intentions of.i had many “sessions” of which i call the big skin massacres i did, but i had stopped for two months…… but then i broke many promises last night when i cut again. long, thin ,and bloody scars on my arm.I dont know how to hide them anymore, i dont want to go to a physo home, and i dont want my dad to see them,Im dissapointed of how i gave in….. especially after i almost drowned my sister… on purpose

i’m a failure

my parents fork out 13,000 a year for me to go to a great high school, they even pay for the summer school i will need this year. they love me so much and i am a failure to them. i stopped trying in school after i became depressed. i stopped seeing any point in trying. my best friend is what my parents wish i was. tall, beautiful and smart. she has over a 4.0. i stopped trying to get on the honor. i know i’m screwing up my life but that doesn’t stop me. i know i need to get my act together and i really want to. i’ve just lost the drive. sometimes when they yell at me for grades i wish i could tell them how i feel like i’m the dumbest girl in the world. yet at the same time i know i’m very smart. every time i look in the mirror though, i know that i’m a lazy bitch. i want to tell my parents the reason i stopped trying is because i’m so confused about my future. i’m so scared of it. i’m confused right now about everything and i feel like everyone has it better than me (i know that’s not true). there are so many secrets i keep from them. like i send naked pictures to guys, i watch porn and that at the same time i want a great boyfriend. i feel like such a mess right now and it all shows in my grades.

Self loathing

I’ve been with my current girlfriend for 2 years and i mean the world to her but i feel id be better off alone. I hate myself for lying to her but i want her to be happy so i say what she wants to hear. Not only this but I’ve never stopped loving my ex girlfriends.

Emotional/mental vampire

Ever since I got involved with this guy, I haven’t paid my teenage sons much attention. We used to be very close. It used to be just us three for a long time. I have guilt. My oldest went to stay with his grandmum. My youngest pretty much ignores me. This guy just takes up so much of my life and my energy. I’m like his goat on a tether. I want away from him. I pray for the money to flee. He’s ruined me. My job. He has sucked the life out of me so completely I feel I don’t even have the will to get out on my own. I don’t know how this happened. I feel so weak for letting it happen. What happened to me? I used to be so strong. Help me God. Help me put my life and my family back together. Isn’t God the one you’re supposed to turn to when you can’t do something on your own? Well, I have- for the last three years. There’s been no answer.

Help. To the Universe or whoever is there listening and can be moved enough to care. Help.

Exhausted

In the past week, I’ve had major foot surgery, watched my best friend’s husband die (and then planned the funeral because she was a mess), inherited a dog (he’s sweet, but I just don’t have time to take care of the poor guy), and found out that I’m being laid off. Now, I am a teacher, and this all happened over my “spring break.”

I needed a break from my break, and called in sick today, and didn’t answer the phone when my grieving friend called… Why do I feel so guilty for taking a day to take care of myself?