• Friends

    I don’t want to play anymore.

    I took a weekend to see friends after a 2 year hiatus. Due to legitimate health concerns from my S/O’s mom we arranged that I come home early because she can’t sleep without me in the house. I think this is part absurd and I’m tried of being her on-call strong-man. If it were a fringe case I’d move heaven and earth to be there in her time of need but this is the same issue she’s always had. Either way. I went on the trip and I’m just so acutely aware that I’m a “special friend” and that I’m erratic and strange. My friends are good and they took care of me but it makes my stomach flip that I am now the friend that needs “special help”. I can’t escape it and I wasn’t always this way. I feel like my brain is spaghetti and I can’t do things and act on things and remember basic information and speak clearly the way I had in the past. Last night on the drive home I was thinking that maybe it started when I crashed my bike really hard even though I didn’t directly hit my head. That was the correct time period. I can’t stop what’s happened to me and I worry it’s just going to get worse and worse and I’ll become even more locked into behind her stay-at-home pacifier for the rest of her life. I used to go out. I was fun. I would ride my bicycle around in the dark. That’s all over now. I wish I had the followthrough to end my life.

    all I get from it is a scolding that I wasn’t home from my 4 hour drive back by midnight. The only way to win at this point, it seems, is to stop playing.