Currently Browsing: Fear

Why am I so scared?

Posted by in Fear on Jun 11th, 2010 | 1 comment

I want to tell him when I do it, but I can’t. I’m so scared that he will stop loving me if I don’t start getting better soon. He has even told me not to feel defeated when I give in, but to just keep trying to beat it. He is so supportive, and tries so hard.

And I can’t bring myself to talk to my father about him. I don’t understand why I should be so afraid of speaking about the most amazing, patient, kind person I have ever met with my father. I hate it.

I’m also afraid I’m never going to beat this. The stupid eating disorder that I can’t figure out if I do it because I know I am harming myself, or if it is a control thing or what, and I’m afraid that I can’t be worth anything to anybody because I’m still worth nothing to myself.

I can never come out

Posted by in Fear on Jun 2nd, 2010 | 14 comments

I am gay and I know I will never have the courage to come out. It’s not that I don’t think my family would support me – I just can’t live with the shame. It’s still so socially unacceptable and I know that as soon as people found out they would look at me completely differently. Everyone has a preconception of lesbians being ‘butch looking’ women but I am not like this AT ALL nor would I be attracted to a woman like this. I don’t want to be associated with being this way and am scared that I am going to live my whole life never being free. Sometimes I think I should be strong because I am merely trapped by stereotypes and social expectations and it is sad to live my whole life encaged by them. I just can’t find the will to ever tell anyone and I feel so alone. I don’t have any friends who I would trust to talk to – I would always be scared that we might have an argument and they would threaten to tell my secret. I’ve known I was gay since I was 17 and am now in my early 20’s. I’m just fed up with it, I don’t know why I had to be one of the few born this way but I hate it and would do anything to change it.

The most self-concious girl ever.

Posted by in Fear on May 21st, 2010 | 10 comments

I’m 13 years old, and for about a year and a half. I have being so self concious i can’t bare it no more, im very tall, but also VERY skinny… I have a birth (strawberry) mark at the top of my right arm, and on my left arm i have a mole (birth mark) about the size of a bean. I am so ashamed, i’ve never showed my arms EVER. I never wear long sleeved tops, and i hate P.E in school because of this, i always cover my mole up with a plaster, it sounds stupid but thats how self concious i am. I am a size 32A in bra size, and i am so self concious because all my friends look perfect to me, perfect figures, I know your going to say that my body is going through changes, but I just want help, I want to be like the other girls, to be able to wear short tops and shorts and not have to pile on leggings to make my legs look fatter. I havent got a balenced diet and im a very fussy eater. Im not anorexic though, just skinny… How can i become more happy with myself and be proud of who i am and not care what other people think of me?:(

My Sleepless Nights

Posted by in Fear on May 19th, 2010 | 4 comments

I finally figured out why all my nights are sleepless nights. The thoughts are horrible. I hate being left alone with them. The only escape I have is useless distractions throughout the day till I pass out from exhaustion. When I’m alone is when it’s the worst. My chest hurts from the anxiety. I feel like everyone knows whats under the surface but no one wants to look. I see the world through two different sets of eyes. I tried to think of one “good” time in my life, my own personal though and feeling of good, I thought of one but it was immediately tainted by thoughts. No one really knows me, just the actor that they think is me. I don’t want to feel this way. I need someone to love me, truly love me. My parents try but I’m adopted and I see the fissures in the lie. I don’t think my sister has the time to love me like she could. I’m not going to kill myself, I care about them to much to cause them pain, but I can’t escape the constant thoughts of it. When I put my mask on I know the happiness is temporary no matter how hard I try to immortalize it. I wish I could forget, forget my life, but that is cheap, cheap to my creator, cheap to those struggling to live and survive. I wish I can be alone forever, but I never want to be alone. This is me, my true self.

keep it secret, stay safe

Posted by in Fear on May 9th, 2010 | 1 comment

I’m on a hit list & I can’t tell anyone about it. Don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.

Can’t have children…

Posted by in Fear on Apr 30th, 2010 | 17 comments

I got married at 19…I am 30 now. i never got pregnant with my husband or in my past (been sexually active since 14). I am 30 now. I think that i’m “screwed” and never be able get pregnant. Is it normal to be sexually acitve since 14; only use condoms periodically; usually use a “pull out method” in the past – not to have ever been pregnant? For the last few years we are sexually active w no protection and still nothing. My family and friends keep having kids and talking about me having them, especialy since I been married so long. Is it normal to NEVER even accidently been pregnant nor purposefully? I feel like there has to be something wrong with me that SO MANY PEOPLE can ACCIDENTLY get pregnant and I can’t even when I’m trying. But I don’t want to admit that I am trying witout success. I went to my gyno and things seem fine for me…but I’m hiding from everyone in my life that we ARE trying. My parents, friends, family. They all think I just don’t want them or arent trying. But I am. And it just dosent seem to be happening for me…

Stranded by myself…

Posted by in Fear on Apr 25th, 2010 | 4 comments

When I look at my own life, I feel like the greatest weirdo in the world, the whole time, stretching back to my childhood, I realised I never fit in with the rest, and is constantly held back by my foolish fears.

I am anti-social, social phobic,and has the bad habit of trying to predict what bad stuff could happen to me when I am perfectly fine. I am excessively paranoid and pessismistic.

I have always tried my best to look at things positively, living on a tight rein of breaking down, until the year I entered college, I decided to give up trying, and I became worse.

I keep sinking into my depressed state, my grades falling to the bottom of the cohort. I feared about not graduating and yet I could not stop myself fromsinking.

I have failed miserably in the final exams. I repeated my final year in college and seeked help from the school counsellor but it was useless to my condition. I am always in constant fears which are largely unknown to me,these fears did not make sense at all, I am either always depressed or in a confused state of happiness and sadness, and the result was I only managed to pass the exam in my second try. I graduated with poor results.

Sometimes, I felt that my presence pollutes the community I live in, I felt like a complete disgrace to my parents.
Everyone has been quite tolerant of my moodswings, my circumstances weren’t bad either and yet I was the only one stranded, not moving on.

I am supposed to be working while I am waiting for university admissions results. It worries me excessively because my results weren’t good. Even as I try finding a job, I worry excessively about failing to do my job well.

I am wasting my life in constant fears which I could not shake off.I could not move on with my life. My life was solely spent dreaming, watching dramas and writing stories, this is my way of escaping from everything, practically doing nothing productive.

I am truly a pathetic coward.

Dreamer

Posted by in Fear on Apr 10th, 2010 | 7 comments

I was addicted to a fantasy world. I doubt anyone can really relate to this. It feels like a real addiction.

Anyway, I had this world I made up in my head. I thought it all up. I created characters, stories, worlds… everything. And I was addicted to making those stories and thinking of even more to add to the “rich history” of this fantasy land. And it started… slowly started… to ruin my life. Because dreaming was all I did. My mind was so active that it would keep me up at night… late. My best friend recalls that (at that point in my life) I had huge purple marks under my eyes… I looked really drained and miserable all the time. Like something was sucking the life out of me. And I just kept going. And going. And killing myself with this pathetic dreamland. Because I just wanted it to be real. I thought that the way my eyes would burn in the morning from how tired I was… I thought it was some kind of sacrifice that would help it to become real. I don’t know. I was really messed up.

I barely went out. I didn’t feel I deserved any friends but the ones that existed in my fantasy world. I self-harmed a lot. I actually wrote a list of things that would earn myself a punishment, and what the punishment was. Calling a friend would deserve something like slamming my foot in a door. I wasted several years of my life in there, prayingprayingpraying that the world was real somewhere. Because I guess it just didn’t seem right that I would suffer like that for something that didn’t exist.

But that’s over. Because I decided this summer that I didn’t have to do it anymore. I didn’t have to. I just didn’t have to. I could be free to live my life… without “caring” for the fantasy world via the continuation of stories. It’s hard sometimes. It’s really hard. Because lately I’ve been getting flashbacks. Of old stories, and for half a second… I miss it. It’s funny how something can destroy you and hurt you like that… and you can still find yourself missing it. But luckily that only lasts a second. Then I’m right back where I should be… fighting it. Sometimes all I want to do is go back to my lonely dreamland. But then I remember all the friends I’ve made since I got out.

Someday I’ll make a full recovery.

I want to give up.

Posted by in Fear on Apr 6th, 2010 | 7 comments

I’m bipolar. I hallucinate. I have been hospitalized eleven times for mental health reasons. I hate myself. I know that I have a great life, but can’t stop thinking about ending it. The thoughts that float through my head contain a large amount of detail about how to kill myself, and that fact terrifies me. I am afraid to tell anyone because they might

a.) be worried
b.) be angry
c.) Think I’m stupid or weak
d.) be disappointed in me

I don’t know what to do. I just feel hopeless.

I didnt know

Posted by in Fear on Apr 4th, 2010 | 4 comments

When I was 11, I molested a 7 year old. I feel bad for it now. Really bad. Everyday I think about it and hope to God that she won’t tell anyone. How wrong is this?

death

Posted by in Fear on Mar 24th, 2010 | 4 comments

im a 19 year old male that has a great life but every once in awhile i watch something or hear something that makes me think about dying and what happens after you die. Im a strong believer in god and would not doubt that he is here with us but i still feel like when i die i will be in a void of eternity. trapped in my own head without thought or emotion and just in total darkness. it makes me feel like i cant die and have to live forever. Which is not what i want. i feel trapped every time this topic comes up and i dont feel right thinking about this because i feel as if i have betrayed my religion even though im not a die hard church goer or follower

Am i not being a good christian or and i having similar problems as others idk but i just wanted to see if anyone else had similar thoughts or concerns about this.

my boyfriend just beat me

Posted by in Fear on Mar 12th, 2010 | 9 comments

i just got beat by my boyfriend of 6 months.
he spit in my face. dragged me by my hair. punched
my head it. bashed my head into a coffee table.
i even called the cops on him……. and i still love him.

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