half baked cookie.

Posted by demented entity. in Fear on Dec 15th, 2010 | 13 comments

i am 23, male and thats all.

i have been through more in my life in the past 8 years then most people will see in there entire lifes. i grew up in a abusive house where the beatings were to be expected with the sunrise. i watched my father put a gun to my mothers head and threaten to blow her to hell. well when i walked into the room at the age of 12 i yelled and then my father came at me. slammed the shotgun into my gut and put it to my head. he told me to recite the bible so that i will make it into heaven.
i did as i was told. and at the end of what seemed to be an eternity, i was done. with my mother crying in the corner. he pulled the trigger. all i heard was a click. for some reason it had misfired.

there was an episode 2 years later at the age of 14 when he beat me so bad i was in the hospital for about 3 weeks. almost died of a lacerated liver.

ok. well now i am 23. anger issues. bipolor, dignosed ptsd. and converson disorder.
i have learned to control my anger. have not lashed out on anyone in 4 years. i have finaly met someone i think i can spend the rest of my life with. we have been dating for 2 years and she is amazing. but i am nervous to tell her my past. i love her but i dont think she could understand what i have been through in my life.
do you think i should tell her. or leave it as it is. i know she knows there is somthing cuse i wake up with night sweats, and she always askes me whats wrong. and i wont tell her.

itll be over soon

Posted by kimmi in Fear on Dec 8th, 2010 | 8 comments

My friends and I are having the best year of our lives.
They think it’s just because my last scan was clear.
I don’t have the heart to tell them the cancer is terminal.
I need this to be a good year, because this is my last one.

Hide in Pain

Posted by Grace in Fear on Nov 22nd, 2010 | 5 comments

I’ve thought of suicide. I’ve thought of cutting. I’ve thought of many ways to kill myself because I believe others are better off without me… That he was better off. I would stand in the shower, staring at my razor and wondering what it would feel like to have blood drip from my skin.

I’m scared. I need him to help me but I can’t bring myself to tell him. He knows I have problems but he doesn’t know the half of it. I want to die. One day, I will have the courage to stop my broken heart from beating ever again.

Constant Fear

Posted by the Teen Hypochondriac in Fear on Oct 28th, 2010 | 2 comments

I’ve not been feeling well for a while.
Since before the summer holidays if you want to estimate.

My stomach had been feeling funny and has recently ballooned out. My diet has been the same for ages, I haven’t noticed any change in what I’ve been eating…

I often get violent cramps forcing me to double over in pain.

I’m jumping to conclusions after reading some magazine articles, I’m thinking the worst.
I’m waiting for a hospital appointment on Monday, but i feel like it’s too far away, i want to see a doctor now before i start to freak out completely…

I’m living in constant fear of a disease i may not even have.

the outcome

Posted by shay in Fear on Oct 27th, 2010 | 4 comments

im the product of rape, my mother wont talk much about him but somewhere deep down in me wonders about him every now and then. im scarred that im going to be like him when i grow up, im scarred that every time she looks at me she sees him, im scarred that ill meet him one day and not even know that hes my father, im scarred about alot of things but mostly im scarred that my mother secretly hates me

I m ……………

Posted by Alone me! in Fear on Sep 28th, 2010 | 2 comments

I am scare of failure. Everybody around me is assure of my success that makes me scare. Though there are people around me but among them I feel all alone……Like a scared kid.

terrified of what could be if

Posted by ohme! in Fear on Sep 24th, 2010 | 2 comments

my hubby has had a few seizures. He is on meds that control them. The last one was 3 years ago when the dr tried to take him off his meds. In another 2 years they want to try again. I’ve never seen anyone having one and I’m terrified of it. Nothing he says makes me feel better about it. I’m so scared that even writing this brings tears to my eyes.

That scares the hell out of me!!

Posted by half-caste gril needs help in Fear on Sep 22nd, 2010 | 9 comments

I cant talk to ppl bout this..well my mother comes from africa and she told me that in our family there is an lets call it “demon of the family” This demon makes that the femals in our family cant be happily married or happy in a relationship even if she is beautiful, funny, intelligent..something would always destroy the relationship.
Well what scares me is that for the fist time i met somebody i could imagine being together with..everything went well we really connected…and all of a sudden one week later and we didnt hear eachother(normally every day)i know you might think;why didnt you call? but right now i aint got no money for my phone..
If a guy acts like this what does that mean? i really need some help on this one…please be honest..i need some truth

I’m the one lying

Posted by Anonymous in Fear on Sep 22nd, 2010 | 3 comments

My boyfriend and I got into a huge argument because a friend I trust told me that he was cheating on me. I was heartbroken, and pissed, and went off on him. He just kept denying it and denying it and honestly after I thought about it I don’t see any reason why he would cheat on me, even if my friend saw something. I think truthfully if he were cheating on me, I wouldn’t mind the cheating.. so much as I would if he were lying about it.

That was three days ago and I’ve been unable to decide who I believe. Who I want to believe is him. It’s hard though when you can’t think of any reason for either people to be lying to you, aside from the obvious. He’s been stressing out because of how I’ve been acting towards him ever since we sort of made up. Which honestly, he has every reason to be stressing out, because when I tell him everything’s fine, I’m lying.

Everything is NOT fine. I can’t allow myself to trust anyone in this, not even myself. I say everything’s fine because I want him to stop asking about it, to stop talking about it. I want to act like it never happened and just move on. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and not feel like I have to choose between the friend I’ve known for years, and the guy that I’ve had the longest romantic relationship in my entire life with. I don’t think I should have to choose. I don’t want to choose. I want to be able to have both. I don’t see why I can’t have both.

Right now, I’m hurting more than I did when I thought he was cheating, and he knows something’s wrong but I keep telling him I’m fine. I wish I could talk to someone about this. I wish I knew what to do.

Destiny?

Posted by Anonymous in Fear on Sep 15th, 2010 | 10 comments

Ok, so ever since I was 7 yrs old, Ive known my destiny. Ive known what I am supposed to do with my life. But I have always been a shy, reserved person that keeps to myself. Im a Christian and I strongly believe that everybody has a pupose. Most people spend years searching for their destiny, but Ive known mine my whole life. My destiny strongly contradicts with the type of person I am. Usually the type of person who does this is extroverted, loves attention, doesnt mind speaking in public, all of those things Im not. My destiny is music. To sing, to write songs, to create this most beautiful art that is on this planet. Every fiber of my being has a passion for music. Its not only that I want to do it, Im actually really good at it. Im a very good singer, I can tell what certain aspects of songs makes it popular, I always know songs months before they are popular. I LOVE music. Absolutely love it. I know Im supposed to do this, but I dont think I can. Its the complete opposite of who I am. I cant even give a speech infront of 20 students. My throat closes up, and I cant even get a word out. How am I supposed to sing to millions??? I believe God chose me to do this because Im not like many other people. I know I just to have faith in Him that I can do this,…I can do this… its just so hard. I feel like Im all alone. I dont know what to do. Should I do what God made me to do, even though I know it will be hard but I will be the happiest I can ever be? Or do I do whats safe and easy and just be content?

Faking Cancer

Posted by Anonymous in Fear on Sep 13th, 2010 | 2 comments

I faked cancer so that I could make a man leave. He was to good for me so I told him that I was going to die of cancer in 3 months. I miss him, but I don’t regret it. I fear love.

The system

Posted by pj in Fear on Sep 11th, 2010 | 7 comments

i turn 18 next year, and as much as i cant wait to get out of this foster care system i dont want to leave my little foster sister with this man, who emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually abuses me. im scarred that when i leave he will start to do the same things to her as he did to me. i want to take her and leave, so he wont ever put his hands on her.