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Abuse

Posted by in Family on Dec 5th, 2010 | 8 comments

Last night when he grabbed my arm I was so scared. My brother has a habit of being abusive and I can’t do anything about it. I went to go pet the cat and he grabbed my arm and squeezed it as hard as he could until it felt like all of the blood was running out of my arm.

He’s thrown glass at me and hit me with/thrown all sorts of things and I’m getting sick of it. I just want to die.

I really want to leave

Posted by in Family on Nov 27th, 2010 | 6 comments

I have been with you for a year now, and recently found out I am pregnant. I was planning on moving out and leaving you right before I found out about the pregnancy. I want to leave so bad, but no one is going to want to be with a single mom with two kids! Not only that but I dont think I could raise two kids by myself! I hate you so much and I really cant stand to be around you. I will probably be stuck with you for a long time because I know you will never leave me.

motherhood and addiction

Posted by in Family on Nov 25th, 2010 | 3 comments

I used to do drugs, lots of them. The main one I did was meth, I started when I was 13 and by the time I was 17 I was shooting up. I got in trouble, went to jail, found God and began fixing myself. I eventually got sober, it was so hard, and then fell in love. I got pregnant soon, unexpectedly, and now I am a stay at home mom. I have chronic back pain and my doctor prescribed me pain pills for almost a year until I decided I couldn’t take them anymore. Now all I want to do is use drugs again. I love my daughter but I hate being a mother. I hate the responsibility. I feel so bad for her that she has me for her mother. Sometimes I just wish that God would kill me while she is still too young to remember me. I won’t use drugs but I wish I would have never taken the pain pills. It’s like starting all over again. I hate my life, I hate myself and I hate that I wasn’t smart enough not to involve a precious innocent little child.

Not A Perfect Mother….Just A Perfect Liar And I Hate It! :(

Posted by in Family on Nov 25th, 2010 | 5 comments

First off, I have a husband and 4 girls (5,4,2,1) and I live with nasty in-laws who are pack rats and are just plain rude.

I wake up and make homemade breakfast, fast food never touches my families lips.

HONESTLY: All I want to do is sleep and not wake up until I truly feel like it. I hate cooking breakfast. Why doesn’t someone wake up and cook me some breakfast for once?

I am constantly picking things up trying to keep a clean house.

HONESTLY: I get so freaking tired of cleaning up and having everyone else throw S*** on the floor and never pick it up. I am so tired of seeing overflowing trash in the bathroom and kitchen. Tired of seeing filthy clothes in the laundry room.

I get my kids dressed on a daily basis with fresh ponytails.

HONESTLY: I look like crap and all I do is keep everyone else looking good. I am too tired to pull my own self together. Sometimes I don’t even have the time to shower or even brush my teeth.

I homeschool my kids.

HONESTLY: I ordered the best curriculum and I feel like my kids are lacking essential knowledge. I feel like they are dumb. I spend all my time devoted to their well being and they can’t even retain the information I teach them. Totally makes me feel like a failure.

HONESTLY, HONESTLY HONESTLY: I try to pretend like I am the perfect woman, mother,and the kindest person in the world. Deep down inside I am drowning in my own lies.To afraid to just be real and show my flaws. Tired day in and day out and still feel like I haven’t accomplished a d*** thing.

It sucks being a stay at home mom and it sucks to pretend to be so perfect.

LIVING THE PERFECT LIE can make you hate yourself.

FAMILY IS NOT WHAT I EVER IMAGINED

Posted by in Family on Nov 22nd, 2010 | 1 comment

I feel guilty but at the moment… I ******* HATE MY FAMILY.

Everything I ever believed about “family” is upside down & I am so confused. If I ring to talk to my mother for support all I get is shit thrown in my face..
The other day I called and again it descended into her attacking me and saying I am not her daughter anymore.

I have never killed anyone, im not a drug addict or an alcoholic (which my father was before he died 10 months ago) or a gambler (like my mother is) yet anything & everything I do is wrong.
Apparently the sun shines directly from my younger sister and she can do no wrong even when she does do wrong.

I always thought family was there for each other through thick & thin. But since my dad died.. Ive been attacked from everywhere and blamed for everything and am the worst person in the world.

Its like I am not a person or important or have feelings. My sister has two kids & in process of divorce, I dont have any (yet – still single) so I am nothing and worth nothing and how hard is my sisters life is.

Yet neither my mother or sister call me to ask how I am. My sister never calls me so the kids can talk to me. Im always chasing to get hold of anyone. I understand they are busy, but I am busy too, but I make an effort and just get shit on. I never get pictures sent to me that my nephew drew in kinder, I never get acknowledgment that I am a person too. I just never get any acknowledgement. There is so many issues and I am the one that is made out to be the bad sheep and even this doesnt explain anything… but I just want to confess how I really feel about how my family is so ****** up and get it off my chest…

HOW DID YOU JUST WALK AWAY FROM US?

Posted by in Family on Oct 16th, 2010 | 5 comments

When we met, I was 20 and you were 23. We dated for about 3 months and that’s when I found out I was pregnant (that was a really short amount of time considering my previous relationship lasted 4 years).

You would talk to our unborn daughter and tell her how much she was loved and how he would never leave her. We then got married (despite my mom’s objections). Our marriage was full of turmoil and discontent. Mainly because you refused to work and help with the household bills. You would just sit back and watch me balance the weight of the world on my shoulder and not care to lend a hand.

Amongst that was the staying out all hours of the night and coming home wasted. I was so ready to leave…just dust my hands off and walk away. But 2 years, 11 months, and 2 days after our daughter was born, we had another child. This time a boy…just as I was ready to walk out the door and be done with you. But when we found out I was pregnant, you, literally, dropped to your knees and begged me not to do what I had initally thought to do, have an abortion. You SWORE on the life of your son that you’d do right by me AND him. Once again, it was all lies.

After all the verbal and the one episode of physical abuse, I was D-O-N-E! By the time our son was 10 months old, I finally got the courage and nerve to tell you, “I don’t want to be married to you anymore, I. DON’T. WANT. THIS!” Over the course of a year, I tried to make it work because I didn’t want to abandon what was once good. But it was a one way battle and you walked away…as simple as that. You jumped your cowardly ass on a bus and vanished into the night.

Fast forward 8 years later…I’ve moved on and found an awesome husband and man of God that was more than willing and ready to step in where you ran away. 2 weeks from now, he will be legally adopoting the 2 beautiful kids you selfishly left behind. So while you sit in your jail cell (for domestic abuse with the intent to imped breathing…aka: choking) just know, they are perfectly taken care of by their mother who never left their side and their real daddy that would NEVER walk away from them.

Just so you know, I’ve NEVER, EVER spoken an ill word about you to them. Whatever opinion they’ve made about you has been formed on their own. When they ask about you, I simply state the facts: you left us and provided no forwarding address. One day, they may come looking for you, but then again, these are MY kids and they’re smart enough to know when they’re dealing with someone that doesn’t want to be bothered.

I hope this life you’ve made for yourself is what you were looking for. God will cast the final judgement and you will atone for this life you’ve lead (I Timothy 5:8). There once was love for you in my heart and I guess there will always be that appreciation because you helped me physically manifest the best parts of me. And for that, I say, “Thank You.” Regardless of how hard it has been for me to let go of the hurt, pain and sorrow I dealt with while married to you, I have grown to be able to pray for you. And as hard as it once was to say, I wish you well and I have finally let go.

He confessed….to the wrong person

Posted by in Family on Oct 12th, 2010 | 6 comments

my dad confessed (to me) about having an affair on mom….before i left to college. the night he left back home, after having dropped me off at campus, he let me know i had a little sister living in the same town i was now gonna be living in.
i dont know her name, what part of town she lives in, or what she looks like. i think of her every night….and my mother who has no clue
thanks dad

i had to get out

Posted by in Family on Sep 30th, 2010 | 6 comments

my parents loved you, even after we spilt up. even after i told them you would beat me. they still ask about you and think i should give you another chance. i gave you enough chances and all i got in return were three broken ribs, a broken nose, a black eye, and a daughter who will NEVER see her father. i hope one day they will forgive me for leaving you, but i just couldnt take it anymore.

custody

Posted by in Family on Sep 25th, 2010 | 0 comments

i hope the judge takes that child from you. you who didn’t want her. you who hands her to someone else and says “here go to momma”. you who threatens to withhold her from her family if you can’t tag along. you who cheated multiple times bc he was working nights to make money to take care of you. he got you a house, did all that work for NOTHING! you don’t want to be a mother you want to be a babysitter. maybe he’ll get full custody. our family actually loves that little girl.

I’m a terrible mom

Posted by in Family on Sep 20th, 2010 | 12 comments

I’m guilty of all types of child abuse and my son is only 6. I’ve been so frustrated by his constant disobedience that I have: locked myself in the bathroom or baracaded myself in my bedroom (neglect), screamed profanities including threats of violence towards him (verbal) and I’ve also shoved him, bitten his finger and slapped him (physical). I feel really awful, I’m very depressed and feel trapped in this life as a mother. I feel so bad because my son does not deserve this but he constantly does things to anger me, demands so much attention, hardly does anything for himself, needs constant nagging to do simple tasks like eating and getting dressed and shows no respect or appreciation for the work I put into making his meals, cleaning up after him, and helping him get things done. I really want to stop abusing him but I’m stuck in this cycle, always angry, and more and more I think about escaping, ending it all….how do I become such an unhappy positively vile mother?

I am still not sure I really love my kids…….

Posted by in Family on Sep 17th, 2010 | 3 comments

I never wanted kids…and then I had one followed by a second. I am sure I do love them, but they are only 3 and 4 and my life just isn’t mine anymore and I hate them for it. Its not their fault so I take care of them but sometimes I just wished they had never happened. This is horrible because their are people out there who would give everything just to have a child and sometimes I feel like I would give everything not to have them. I just miss being me and being able to just be with my husband and go out and have fun without the constant stress of raising two kids.

Trying to keep my head up

Posted by in Family on Sep 12th, 2010 | 12 comments

I have been with my husband for 8 years and married 5, we have been trying to conceive for these 5 years and it’s been a no go, no miscarriages or anything like that just nothing. I’ve quit smoking,started eating healthier and working out i am even seeing a doctor for help. Lately pretty much everyone women i know is pregnant and while it makes me upset i know they aren’t doing it to make me angry but it’s hard not to get down when a girl who sleeps with a guy she just meets gets pregnant and my husband and i who have been ready and wanting this for years cant.

Every day i fall apart a little more inside, i’m trying to be strong and i know i know it will happen when i least expect it but i’m really starting to think that it’s never going to happen. I want nothing more than to be a mother and show my child all the love and care i can possibly muster but it seems it’s not in my cards. I can’t stop crying.

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