Currently Browsing: Family

What family?

Posted by in Family on Mar 29th, 2011 | 2 comments

I don’t like my family. They are all greedy. My mom was the rock of the family. She held strong with a smile upon her face and tried to make a great life for her kids from nothing more than shoddy walls and eternal love. When Mom died all they care about is her stuff that they want and a wrongful death case. I feel sorry for the doctor, she wanted to die. She was in extreme physical pain all the time as well as emotional anguish. I hope may family feels good about themselves with the emotional pain they caused her and the greed they show now. Even though I am named on the case as well, I hope it flops! I hope no one gets any money. Mom was worth more than this! I honestly don’t care if I never speak to them again.

Struggling to like motherhood… jealous of my husband

Posted by in Family on Mar 18th, 2011 | 18 comments

I have three kids under five. A four year old, a two year old and a three month old. I am aware that I have made the choice to have children. I am aware I have made the choice to live where i live. I don’t think I knew how hard this would be. I don’t think I knew what it would be like to live so far from family. I don’t think I knew how relentless it would be to be a stay at home mom. I’m trapped financially because we can’t hire more help and my parents aren’t teh typical grandparent types. I can’t afford the childcare to go back to work. I love my children but its just so hard. I have moments of joy but more moments of stress and lonliness. I’m let down by the conversations of people who have lost their babies. I’ve been the “other” woman and lost two of my best friends because they lost their babies and I didn’t. Not loosing your baby doesn’t mean you have to love every moment of being a mom. I am becoming someone I don’t like. I yell more, I’m more impatient. I try to get exercise, I try to do all of the things I’m supposed to but I’m just drowning.
How do I make it through this?

Not ready for another child…

Posted by in Family on Feb 25th, 2011 | 3 comments

I am 31 years old, I have a beautiful daughter but a very childish husband. When I was 26, my husband and I decided to start a family and 6 months later we got pregnant with my little girl. I knew I wasn’t ready for a child, but I went along with it anyway. I figured if not now while I’m young it will only get harder. While I was pregnant, I felt very ambivilant about the whole thing. My daughter was born and we had a very rough adjustment period, both my husband and I had post partum depression. It wasn’t love at first sight, like you hear other mothers talk about. This person was seperate from me, she was her own identity even when she was born, but I’ve slowly fallen head over heels in love with her. She is not the center of my whole universe but she is the best part about it. Now my husband wants to have another child and I’m worried about disturbing our wonderful little family. I do all the cleaning and the appointments and the responsible stuff. My husband gets to be the entertainer. I know this is selfish of me but having another child is not going to add more work for him. It’s just as easy to entertain 2 kids as it is for 1 but I’ll have to clean up after him, my daughter and another baby. I get her up in the morning at 6am, take her to daycare, call off work when she’s sick, put her to bed at night and all my husband does is watch tv with her and then kiss her goodnight before she goes to sleep. Plus I work 40+ hours a week. I feel like a single mom. This is very one sided but as of now we’ve come to a happy medium and I’m picking my battles. I’ve heard once you have 2 kids family members stop offering to babysit for you. You become immersed in domesticity and I don’t know if I want to be chained to my home life more than I already am. I would love to have another child like my daughter because I’ve been strict with her and at 3 1/2 she is more polite and well behaved than most elementary school kids. I’m terrible at providing structure so being a stay at home mom is not an option for me. I’m not looking forward to paying for a 2nd daycare bill either, this may be a battle worth fighting, let him pay the daycare bill. So I guess the point of this confession is that we’ve been trying for 7 months to get pregnant with a 2nd child and I feel like my doubts, fears and worries are preventing my body from conceiving (I know this isn’t physically true but we can just add this to the long list of worries) and I’m relieved everytime I get my period. I do everything that I’m supposed to do, not drink or smoke, take a multi-vitamin but my heart is not in it. Then again, I wasn’t in it the first time and my daughter has gone above and beyond every expectation that I could ever hope for. However, I don’t want to stop trying altogether because I’m 31 and I want to be done by 35. If we have another girl, then I’m looking at a 3rd pregnancy. I guess we’ll wait and see if it was meant to be or not.

Love or Hatred

Posted by in Family on Feb 20th, 2011 | 2 comments

Its been a long time that I’ve been keeping this secret about my true feelings to my step dad, whether love or hatred. I live with my step dad for 6 years now since I was 22. My mother sponsored us here in north america when I was that age. Since then, I have a hard time to figure it out what is his true feelings about me and my brother. He is a kind person, sweet, and smart. He always wanted us to feel that “he is the man in the house”, and I hated that. I respect him but sometimes I do think that its not worth it to respect him because he is an ass****(sorry for the word). I could feel that he thinks that my brother and I are stupid. I remember one time that he even compared between us and his own kid,..that his kid(my stepbrother) is the smartest of all the three of us. And the worst part of that was my mother laughed so hard when she heard it when he said that in front of everyone. I hated them both because of that. However, I love my step dad for being understandable. I am not sure if he understands me really whenever I have problems to say or he just doesnt care about it. I dont talk to him most of the time. One thing is, he doesnt talk to you if you dont talk to him first. So until now we havent talk(really talk) that much often. Just say hi/hello usually. Am I bad? or what?

I wanted to talk to him about this feeling but I just dont know how to start?
His birtday is coming, I want him to go for a drink with me however I dont know whether it is a good idea or not.

my son

Posted by in Family on Feb 16th, 2011 | 4 comments

I LOVE MY FAMILY. I HAVE A SUPPORTIVE HUSBAND. I ALSO HAVE 4 KIDS THAT I ADORE. ONE OF MY SONS IS ADHD WITH SEVERE EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS. HE DESTROYS PROPERTY WHEN ANGRY AND REGULARLY BECOMES VIOLENT TOWARDS HIS SIBLINGS AND MY HUSBAND. ON THE OTHER HAND HE IS SO ATTACHED TO ME THAT HE CRIES EVERY TIME I LEAVE HIM . ONLY FOR WORK. HES 6 YEARS OLD. WE ARE SEEING A PSYCHIATRIST FOR ALL OF THIS. I REALLY TRY TO DO RIGHT BY ALL OF THEM. HERES MY CONFESSION. SOMETIMES HE MAKES+ME+SO+ANGRY+THAT+I+ALMOST+CANT+STOP+MYSELF+FROM+HURTING+HIM.
+IM+SO+AFRAID+FOR+US+BOTH.+IM+AFRAID+OF+HURTING+HIM.
+IM+AFRAID+IT+WILL+NEVER+GET+BETTER.+MOST+OF+ALL
+IM+AFRAID+OF+LOOKING+INTO+THE+MIRROR+AND+SEEING+THE+MONSTE
++I+FEAR+IM+BECOMING.+I+CANT+TELL+THIS+TO+ANYONE.
++I+AM+TAKING+MEDICATION+FOR++DEPRESSION+AND+ANXIETY.
+I+DONT+KNOW+WHAT+TO+DO.

just one more year, please..

Posted by in Family on Feb 14th, 2011 | 2 comments

i came with my parents to this country when i was a little girl. we are part of a large community of people from my parent’s home, and it is with these people that we have been raised, my brother and i. as is the custom of our people and the custom of our home, i will obey my parents. i will not bring shame to them, their house or their community.

i am a junior in college here in america. my parents informed me that they have picked a husband for me, a fine man, and that i am to marry this summer. he is from overseas and will come to work here in the summer.

he is finished with his education and is a professional in his carrer and well able to take a wife and the responsibilities of a home. my parents know his family well and the families have been talking about this since i was first born. he is chosen for me, and i for him, and that is the way it is. i will be his wife, and a dutiful wife, and keep his home and his children, as all wives and mother do.

i just don’t want to get married this summer. i want to finish college first. if only i could speak to my father and ask him for one little year, one little year to wait. i will be a good daughter and bring him many grandchildren and i will be a good wife, i promise.

and i am exited that they have found a husband for me, and i look forward to meeting him and pray every night that he likes me and that he will be a good husband and that i will be a good wife. but my heart cries out for one more little year, just one more year, please..

my little brother

Posted by in Family on Feb 13th, 2011 | 3 comments

my little brother is my son. i was sent away to ‘boarding’ school. my parents adopted him. i take care of him, bathe him, love him, care for him. i want to tell him i am his mama, i want him to know. he is still so young. when will i be able to tell him he is my baby, my boy, my son. when???

This is motherhood most of the time…

Posted by in Family on Feb 9th, 2011 | 5 comments

Yesterday, I spent 5 hours taking nits out of my 7year old daughters hair. The whole time my two year old was crying and hanging on to me needing attention because she was coming down with a cold. Once they were both asleep, I spent the rest of the night washing, boiling, freezing everything in our home. Our family’s scalps and entire house reeks of tea tree oil and rosemary. I only slept a few hours because I was so grossed out at the thought of having a major lice infestation in our house. This morning, my two year old woke up crying and whining, but I was able to get my nit-free 7year old to school on time. After hours of crying and whining and melt downs over things like, the dog refusing to eat her goldfish cracker, a dose of tylenol and an early nap for my two year old was all I could do to save my sanity. I am irritable all the time now. I used to be fun loving and creative. I used to go to the gym. I used to love me.
I went to a prestigious college, and was the only woman in a class of 12 people. I was going to be a cinematographer and a writer. All I could think about last night while digging nits out of daughter’s hair while balancing a flashlight and a magnifying glass was, “what the **** was I thinking?”
This is motherhood most of the time. And if you have a great husband or partner, no matter how awesome they are, they never get it because they are usually never around.

i dont deserve this

Posted by in Family on Feb 6th, 2011 | 1 comment

my mother doesnt love me, shes never loved me. Im 17 years old and i live with my boyfriend and his perfect family and i just want my own perfect family. i hate everyone with a family and in everyone in general. why can all my brothers and sisters live with my mom and sleep just a floor above her and go down to her when theyre lonely? I JUST WANT MY FAMILY BACK. I WANT TO BE LOVED FOR THE FIRST TIME. please mommy please just fix this. dont make this permanent. everyone leaves everyone always leaves. please stay

poor.

Posted by in Family on Jan 26th, 2011 | 3 comments

I hate my mother. she always gets herself into these shit abusive relationships, she keeps saying she’s going to get a job, but never does. she only gives a shit about herself, and she doesn’t even care that the guy she married turned into a huge asshole, who has huge anger management issues. and now he’s moving out, and we’re going to have no money, and my mom will tell me she’s going to get a job, but I know she won’t. I’m afraid when I go to apply for a job no one will hire me. Truth be told, I’m not afraid of us not being able to afford food, and hydro and such. But I’m more afraid of me not having any money to go out with my friends, or buy new clothes, and then my friends will find out I’m poor now, and I really don’t want that to happen. It just seems so embarassing..I’m already a walking flaw on my own. I don’t really another imperfection.Guess I’m just that selfish. Probably got that quality from my mother.

Reasons I hate you, Dad

Posted by in Family on Jan 21st, 2011 | 2 comments

Dad, you and I have begun to argue day in and day out. Whenever we argue you conclude with “I measure my success by being a good provider for my family”. That is great dad. You were truly a great provider, thank you! You paid for my college, my rent, my phone bill; even some trips abroad!

But these are the 10 things I wish I could change about you and about us:
1) you didn’t bother to teach me to ride a bike – no matter how I begged. (I have since learned).
2) after soccer matches you could only tell me what I did wrong – even when I was the highest scorer.
3) you don’t help my mom with anything around the house and she works 8-10 on her feet everyday.
4) you never call, or ask how school is.
5) you’re homophobic – I am gay.
6) you think I am going no where with my degree.
7) you try to buy my affection rather than earn it.
8) you eat McDonald’s everyday and when it kills you my mother will be all alone.
9) once, when you weren’t talking to me, you let my birthday slip by without so much as a nod in my direction. For that, I hate petty people.
10) the same time when you weren’t talking to me, my friend died and you didn’t say anything, or ask to see if I was ok. It made me realize you weren’t superman.

I know it’s not so bad, but some of these things make me never want to go home. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest :)

It’s complicated…

Posted by in Family on Jan 13th, 2011 | 4 comments

My bf and I have 2 wonderful kids who we both love dearly…the problem is…we hate each other. We can’t get along…I have a problem with his drinking, he says it’s not a problem. It’s the only thing we fight over…and tonight…it all came to a head…it’s over. We’re going to go our seperate ways…I should be relieved, but I’m heartbroken. I have always loved him…for 10yrs and even before he was mine to love…but he disrespects me constantly, with-holds money, won’t share any emotion, he basically shuns me unless we’re around friends/family.

So why do I feel like taking it all back and just dealing with it? I’m not happy here…but I have this crazy feeling like I’m asking too much of him..maybe me and the kids should stay and put on a happy face, say everything’s much much better…?

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