What happened to me?

Posted by MDL in Confused on Jan 3rd, 2012 | 5 comments

11 years in the military. I recently got out. I just finished my 2nd tour in Iraq. The last year or so Ive felt so angry, so worthless, and so empty. I left active duty a month after returning from Iraq, feeling horrible I bought myself a ticket to the Philippines. Spent 2 weeks there having sex with hookers and drinking non-stop. I hoped to wash my feelings of worthlessness away. And to feel some kind of love, because i felt so empty. It just got worst. In 6 months, I wasted my entire savings of $50,000. That money was to help me return to school. Now I am unable to even pay rent and a credit card bill that I have built up after blowing my savings. I ruined my life. I used to be responsible and mature. What happened to me? Now, I think about killing myself. I don’t only because my younger sister. I don’t want her to deal with that. No one knows what I’m feeling right now. My entire family has always looked at me as the successful one. What happened to me? Broke, depressed, just wanting to die. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I let myself down. I hate myself. I hate life. I had my dreams right in front of me to grasp. But ruined everything. People rely on me, and I can’t help them. I can no longer help myself. I have nothing. A bunch of medals that only remind me of memories I wish I never experienced. If I didn’t have those experiences, would I be the old me? I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. What’s done is done.

Thought it was the end…

Posted by DJ in Confused on Oct 10th, 2011 | 35 comments

I’m 27, female, depressed suicidal cutter.

I tried to kill myself a few days ago. I had a fight with a coworker, it upset me. I went to the bathroom to cool off, started crying and had the urge to cut my wrist. I tried. I had the blade on my wrist, pressing as hard as i could and sliding it down my arm, but through the tears I couldn’t see any blood.

Maybe it was my subconscious telling me I wasn’t ready to die.

But some days I do want to die.

Skin and Bones

Posted by Anonymous in Confused on Sep 10th, 2011 | 3 comments

I want to be skin and bones. I hate the way I look right now, after a pregnancy…I want to go back to my old ways but seeing that sweet baby boy stops me. I feel so torn…

Thinking of cheating on him after he cheated

Posted by Confused in Confused on Aug 29th, 2011 | 8 comments

He confessed 3 months ago that he cheated on me with his co-worker at the beginning of May 2010 and told me that he regret it very much and will never do it again. We’ve been together for 2 years and for 1 year we were together he cheated. Last year we had a rough year and I confessed to my mother that I was thinking of cheating on him because he thinks I’m not enough for him and was very tired of him criticizing me all the time, yet I couln’t break the relationship because we are planning to get married and both of our parents are already preparing the wedding. However, my mom told me to not do that and to be patience. She said maybe in the future he’ll grow up and realise my value. So from my mom advice I didn’t cheat on him and kept working on the relationship. In September 2010 our relationship was great and he has changed, he cared more. However, that last 3 months he finally confessed to me that he cheated and felt guilty. He couldn’t keep his secret anymore to himself because the girl he cheated with wanted a proper relationship with him and he didn’t want it. So the girl kept threatening to tell me that they had affair together, so I will break up with him. To avoid that, he chose to hear the bad news from his mouth.
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Ungrateful

Posted by Anon156 in Confused on Aug 17th, 2011 | 8 comments

I’m unable to express gratitude towards my boyfriend of 2 years lately. In fact, I feel resentful towards the relationship, as though it is weighing me down. I’m used to up-rooting, and quickly.

I’m also resentful of the fact that I’m not at liberty to fully express myself. I work in the sex industry (I wear many hats), and he works a well-to-do management office position. Needless to say, our jobs are like night and day. He’s uncomfortable hearing about what I do, and wants me to make all these changes: stop sex work, go to grad school, and drop the group of creative folk friends that I have. I feel like I’m the bad guy, and always supposed to make the compromise. He met me through this industry! I feel like this is all hypocritical.

I love him. He’s helped me recover from a rape incident, been supportive of my actual art work, but I feel as though I’m unable to speak. He’s a good person, but why do I feel like I don’t deserve him? I don’t know what to do.

I’m 28 and losing my mind

Posted by Ready to move on in Confused on Aug 14th, 2011 | 10 comments

I’m a 28 year old single mother of three, and I’m losing it. The problem isn’t that I have kids, or that I’m a single mother; I’ve gotten used to both, and can honestly say I don’t regret having kids, however of course, I do regret not getting my life together before I had them. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, many of them financial, so I can’t sit back and say I’m one of those “wonder moms” who made it all work. I lack a lot of energy, patience and will power, so this trip has been pretty hard for me. I tried to send my kids to my moms for a year so I could have a breather and figure out what I want, but I wasted all that time working, hating it for the most petty reasons, and collecting drama.

There is only one answer to all of this, and it completely stresses me out because I know it’s the only thing that will work: My life needs a complete over haul.

What pisses me off the most about myself is that I have known this for the past three years, and have moved at a glacial pace to make a change. It isn’t that I don’t want to change, it’s that I’m not entirely sure how, and secretly there is something I don’t believe in about myself.. it’s weird. I believe in myself and know I have talents that deserve to be fostered, in fact I know if I tapped into them I would blow myself away, but it’s getting to the place where I can tap into them that I can’t seem to achieve.

I really do want the best for my kids, I really do. I want to nurture them, be there for them and foster their talents because mine never were, but breaking the cycle of crap I have learned since I was young is really hard. I feel like I don’t want it enough, that I don’t want to change enough, and that makes me feel even crappier. I mean if I wanted it enough I would have done it by now, right? This guilt is even more counter productive, and holds me down even more.

I hate myself for not jumping on more opportunities when I had them, and for letting them go for stupid, petty and immature reasons. I hate myself for not being stable enough to live without roommates who are here to witness all my parenting fails. I hate myself for hating myself.

I need to learn to love myself.. but how?

Mindchanger

Posted by ThiswayorThatway in Confused on Aug 13th, 2011 | 4 comments

I feel like I am changing my mind every other week. I make decisions and follow through with them for a few months but find out I’m really not happy or stisfied with them. I lost 60 pounds, got out of a toxic relationship, had surgery and fixed a major pain and I have a terrific son. I am secure financially but why can’t I find happiness. I feel very empty and alone. I’m 45 educated and have compassion for those less fortunate than I am. I just can’t figure out what the hell I really want.

I’m so confused

Posted by Anonymous in Confused on Jul 30th, 2011 | 20 comments

I have a secret urge to be a teenage mother. I’m not sure why. I think because so many girls get pregnant and abandon the baby or leave it for the grandma to take care of. But I know I wouldn’t be like that. And don’t say “oh yes you would” because no I would not. I want to be a teenage mother because I know I’d be responsible enough and I want to prove to everyone that I’m stronger than they think I am.

Guilty in marriage

Posted by me in Confused on Jul 30th, 2011 | 4 comments

My husband is the best husband in the world. We will have been married for 5 years this december. We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter…

I have been unhappy since we got married. I dont think I wanted to. I was 19… and I think all I wanted was a party. We tried to make it work, but I am just not attracted to him. I am still trying to make it work. We dont hate or argue… I have just lost that thing.

So.. the story is… In May 2011, we had a major blowout. On the edge of divorce. It wasnt an angry battle. We spent the day deciding what we would do. I was upset, but just because I felt lost. The guilty part comes because I have been talking to this guy for a couple weeks. It was my husband’s former co-worker who came out with us a few times.

The first time I saw him, I was just whew, blown away. The amazing thing was that we were both the same. Wanted the same things, acted the same, loved the same things. I just fell hard for him. We texted and talked for hours. Staying up until 3am. Had phone sex and all.

Then the decision for divorce. The guy I was talking to urged me to work it out.. that my husband is the love of my life and i cant give it up.

Me and the guy met up one day to talk. We ended up spnding hours together and making out. It was amazing.

We havent spoken since.. and I cant get over it. I have started going to a psychiatrist since then in hopes of sorting things out.. but I just cant get him out of my mind. AHHHHHHHH

Midlife Crisis

Posted by anonymous in Confused on Jul 25th, 2011 | 18 comments

I don’t want to be with my husband anymore. He’s a nice guy but I can’t stand being the one to hold our marriage and family together (2 kids). I’ve been having a long distance affair for the past year with a man that I have crazy lust love for, but he will never leave his wife and kids. I’ve known him for over 15 years and have just recently reconnected with him again. I recently had another affair with a man whom I had a total crush on. It was a huge let down because there is nothing good that can come of it. I don’t want to be married. I don’t want to be a mom anymore. I just want to have my life back. I feel zero guilt, which I find very troubling. I’m turning 40 next year…is this a midlife crisis?

Why can’t I decide?

Posted by Clueless in Confused on Jul 4th, 2011 | 8 comments

I have been married for 4 years now and I am really confused.

My husband and I are totally different people. We have a son (3 and a half) and we have been fighting a lot since his birth. I can’t say that it is my husbands fault or mine, we are both in the wrong, but recently the fights started becoming physical. Either I hit first or he does, it doesn’t really matter who hits first it shouldn’t happen at all.
I have been thinking for almost a year now I want to get out of this marriage but every time I tell him he talks me out of it.
So, I am not happy with him, I don’t know if I will be happy without him, and what will happen with my son either way?

I can’t decide!!! I don’t have a clue as what to do!!! What future does my boy have with a mother who can’t decide what is best for his future? I feel terrible. Guilty. Most of all like a failure, one to myself, my husband and most of all to my son. Am I a horrible person for this?

Don’t know what to think

Posted by Anonymous in Confused on Jun 20th, 2011 | 5 comments

My girlfriend goes back and forth on whether she loves me or not. When she’s depressed she says she doesn’t think she loves me and she doesn’t treat me well. I know that I shouldn’t be with someone who treats me the way she does but I can’t bring myself to leave. I always thought that I would be able to end a relationship if anyone ever hit me but I guess I was wrong.