My Father Abused Me

My father abused me from when I was 4 until 12, then he died of cancer. I used to be able to cope but since I injured my back, I’ve had more time to think and now Im having a lot of trouble copeing. I cannot go see a therapist because I don’t want it to appear on any records since Im training to become a search and rescue technician and Im alreadying having trouble,: being a girl and have a back injury(no apparent damage to bones so they cannot say anything about that yay!) Id love to get help, but I know I could not tell any friends,Id be to scared somehting slipped out becuase no one knows.
Thanks for reading!

Who am I?

I don’t even know where to start or if this even matters. I just know that no one but one other knows this. But the complications in this are so scrambled together, I’m not even sure if my conclusions are right. When my best friend and I were both about ten or eleven, we had been friends since we met at age eight. We would see eachother regularly, sleep over eachothers houses, et-cet. One night sleeping at his house, he suddenly grabbed my hand and made me fondle him. At the time I didn’t know why, or why I even went with it, but for some reason I did. And I was somewhat aware that I was sexually attracted to girls. After the first time, we started sexually experimenting regularly during sleep overs, in which case I progressively became comfortable with it, still not understanding why. I recall us both resolving with eachother that this was like practicing on eachother to prepare for girlfriends in the future, I guess because we eventually were aware that these homosexual activities of ours were not considered normal and were best preserved as secret. and so us both in self denial, we forced ourselves to adjust our behavior and mentality respectively, around the ‘elephant in the room’. But then one day few years later in our mid teens, we reached our climax of insecurity so I asked him if he remembered when it started, how, and why. He said he remembers me first proposing to engage in the idea. But I remember that moment most vividly among few other significant moments in life. We decided to stop doing it, to not talk about it, think about it, or tell anyone. And we did exactly that. Here’s my problem- after discontinuance of our intimacy, I started to miss it. I figured the reason why to be because he’s my best friend, who I loved and still love beyond any physical satisfaction, and because he’s beautiful in all ways. I realized that I fell in love with him. And I KNOW those experiences stirred his sexuality as well, he’s just in denial of it. What hurts me, is that he tries his best to deny these feelings, with the fear of deviating from the socially accepted norm. It pisses me off that I was at once normal (perfectly capable of being homosexually influenced) and then sexually violated by my best friend; then- in order to not turn against him in a state of blind hate- forcing myself to psychologically adjust myself to gain satisfaction for it in spite of keeping our friendship, just to have that beautiful connection we had cut off to never be indulged again, now having to live the rest of my life knowing what happened, what could have been, and dealing with the fact that it didn’t, and wishing beyond all possibility that we could have that happiness, and ultimately the possibility that he feels exactly the same. Said experiences have enticed many internal conflicts, which in turn enticed harmless pot smoking into cocaine and alcohol use. We both now are addicts and alcoholics. But despite the many chaotic and delusional episodes of feelings of hopelessness, I still and always will have the most potent love for that kid, a special love beyond any human understanding… even my own.

my invisible scar

It’s been almost 10 years now and I have to get this out. Sometimes it all come rushing back to me… Little memories that come back that feel like I’m still there in that exact moment they publicly humiliated me. I just wish I had the courage and self-dignity to do something about it. I should have never let them hurt me the way they did. I felt so alone and even my friends didn’t stand by me. How could anyone be so hurtful? They didn’t realize how much it hurt me! It was overwhelming and as much as I wanted to cry out for help, the rumor that I was gay that they started was so embarrassing that I felt I couldn’t even talk to my own family about it. I have never felt so alone, insecure or vulnerable in my entire life as I did those years in school. It was somethings that always haunts me to this day. I wonder how different my life would be today If it had never happened. Everything I’ve done since after has been questioned and scrutinized by my conscious because my confidence was crushed. No one should ever have to be put through that torment. No one deserves to feel worthless and unloved like I did. The constant Hell I went through on a daily basis was more painful than any physical pain I have ever experienced. The emotional scar is still there and as much as I wish it would just go away, little things still remind me that it’s there. I hope that someday I will be able to face those people who hurt me so badly and stole my self-confidence and mostly my self-respect. I don’t even think they would remember what they did… I just want to feel like I’ve done nothing wrong. I have tried to create the person who I thought people wanted me to be. The person that I had to be to be accepted. Along the way, I’ve lost myself… I don’t even know which actions are for face and which ones are really me. Who am I? I am so tired of being defined by what I feel I should be and not what I WANT TO BE! Why do I carry this feeling of guilt? It’s as if every person I meet can see this scar…. this insecurity I carry. In everything I do, I feel it. What I can’t get over is the fact that this sense of being ashamed never goes away and that I never did anything wrong to deserve this. I feel like I was scarred on the forehead and if feels like everyone can see this insecurity I have. I am so angry, GOD I AM STILL SO ANGRY, I so badly want to feel normal… I don’t even know what it is to feel normal… Just need to get this off my chest and take control of my life for once!

i was young

about 10 years ago, i used to like to get naked around kids, i only did it a couple times, but im done with that now, i never touched the kids, they are like my brothers and i just happened to be naked around them, i was also about 13 years old at the time

my dad

I grew up on a sheep property in the central west of NSW Australia> when I was 12 years my Mum who was very attractive and a happy wonderful mum developed Cancer and within 3 months had passed away. I helped out with dad as best as I could and we naturally became very close. I had always, when worried or frightened came into Mum and Dad’s bed for comfort and when mum passed away this continued. When I was 15 years it was such a time, I had developed into a women quickly and came into Dad’s bed it was a cold wet night – we talked and talked he was a strong man and as we talked I could feel his manlinesss close to me as he held me. I made love to him for the first time- it just happenned. Dad did have guilt feelings but for me I felt no guilt for what happenned as it was the most incredible experience for me. It continued for another 3 years from time to time only when either one of us needed each other. I went off to Uni became a teacher met my husband had two lovely children and lived a wonderful life. Recently my dad passed away I miss him dearly he was a wonderful dad – a wonderful caring lover and a real man – not all incestuous experiences are wrong and I have never had any guilt feelings about what happened between us those many years ago

Be nice forever

When i was a little girl my older brother made a deal with me. He could molest me as long as he was nice to me forever. It didnt last long and i didnt like him for a very long time but now, ten years later, we are friends and i love him to death. How should this have impacted my life? Cause it seems to me that it never did..

Sex with a boy

I’m 22 years old, and have easily slept with over 40 women. I LOVE women. But one thing nobody knows is that when I was 12 (and still a virgin), I slept with another boy of equal age. We just wanted to find out what a sexual release felt like.

The thought of having any sexual relationships with another man now, makes me want to vomit. The thought of this shit drives me nuts all the time.

Wants to forgive a lost soul

I want to forgive the man that molested and tortured me from age 5-13 over 10 years ago. Im not sure why I just feel compeled to forgive him. I think in a way Im more godly then I thought and this is god telling me too. I just want to give myself to my husband and children whole and healed and not be so scared of every odd looking man I see. I know this will ruffle alot of feathers and piss many people off but I want to do this for myself and for my family most of all.

This is who i am becoming.

This was me:

1)A fat Bitch
2)A bulimic
3)A person who hated themselves
4)a person who hated life

This is who i am becoming!

1) a slim person
2) a successful TV presenter
3) A person with perfectly straight teeth
4) a celebrity
6) A girlfriend to lead singer/guitarist of a band. and maybe become his wife
7) a model
8) A happy person

And for all the bullying from friends, family and enemies.
To the people who treated me like crap
To the people who made me feel like i was worthless, to the point i used to try and kill myself, hit myself or punish myself.

do you know what they get?

Nothing

they get to see me at my glory for once in my life. And watch me in through the tv screen and the papers. living my life and wishing that had given me the chance, instead of making me feel like that.

I believe in 4 things.

1)Dreams always come true
2)Mine are coming to me before my 19th
3) The universe delivers things you ask for, no matter what
4) The most important… IS ME! I finally Believe that i am worth something. that those years behind me, are just memories and that come september my life will change

It happened twice

When I was about 13 years old my younger sister and I used to get naked and practice pashing each other and touching each other. It only happened twice but it haunts me every day. I am married now to a wonderful husband and my sister and I are really close but I am so afraid that I have hurt her and I know now how wrong it was at the time. I go to church every weekend and pray that God will forgive me every day. It makes me feel sick that it ever happened. I wish I could take it back.

The Fire

When I was young, my brother and I set fire to the church we lived next door to. We were caught trying to put it out with cans of lemonade. It spread and ended up burning our house down. Still, everybody thinks it was an electrical problem in the church. He told me I couldn’t tell anybody so I never did.
I don’t regret it. He means more to me than anyone and it makes me feel closer to him knowing that there is something that we know that nobody else on the planet does.

My Brother

From when I was 8 years old til when I was 12, my brother used to touch me. He’d make me play ‘games’ with him and bring him to orgasm. I hated it, but I was too scared to tell anyone.

Now i’m 22 and i’m terrified of sex. I still see my brother all the time and he now has two little girls of his own.

No-one knows but it’s ruined my life.