Running Miles

Posted by Ramona in Childhood on Jan 5th, 2012 | 3 comments

I am 15 yrs old

I am obsessed with jogging. Sometimes its too late to jog outside so I do it on the spot in my room, and I cant stop. Even when my family members tease and humiliate me about it I still jog on the spot.

Its a compulsion.

Today mom, you made a dinner joke that you no longer hear my mini earthquakes anymore.

If only you knew I resorted to cutting the soles of my feet with a razor so it hurts whenever I walk on them.

So I can stop jogging at night.

So I can be normal

Was it me?

Posted by I was 13 in Childhood on May 6th, 2011 | 10 comments

When I was growing up my mom would hit me when I was bad, it started out as spanking and such but as I got to be older/bigger she couldn’t spank me so she would punch me in the face, drag me by the hair, sit on top of me hitting me, hold me against the wall and slap me, pound me w/her fists, throw dishes, cans of food at my head, etc etc. I am 5’2 110lbs she is 5’9 220lbs. I thought everyone grew up like this til I got older of course.

When I was 13 she was pregnant (I dont know how far along) she got upset over something- I can’t remember and ran after me (I had learned by this time I could outrun her) I got into the bathroom and was trying to shut/lock the door and she got in before I could get it locked in time. I was pushed against the wall/toilet backed into the corner and she just started pounding on my head, I stuck my foot out and pushed her (against her stomach) away from me. At the time I dont know if I knew she was preg or not because for some reason that is not in my memory.

She had a miscarriage- and blamed me. She screamed at me that I did it because I kicked her in the stomach, she called all her family/friends and I heard her telling them on the phone I did it.

Time passed and I tried to push it from my memory, because I knew it had to have been me and I couldn’t deal with it. The years went on, the physical fights went on with her.

15 years later I tell the story to my husband to get feedback, knowing now as an adult that at 13 I was a child defending myself and not understanding what was going on, and she was a 35 yr old woman who knew she was pregnant why was she attacking me?? My husband says obviously she is abusive/crazy- but in my heart I feel like something was my fault or something is very wrong with me. I know now that I am older that and can see who she is that she is messed up, but WHY do I feel like this when I think about what happened. I wish I could erase memories.

The man that molested me is getting out of prison….

Posted by timeXgoneXby in Childhood on Apr 29th, 2011 | 4 comments

When I was 12 I was molested by my adoptive father. He adopted me when I was 5 and had been a great dad up until that point. It was not just a one time thing it went on for months but I was too afraid to tell until I finally trusted someone enough to let it all out. He was a juvenile probation officer so it was a big deal, in the papers, news, etc. which you can imagine is hard for a kid. anyway he was sentenced to 10 years in prison and in july that 10 years will be up… and I really dont know how to feel. I have so many emotions I’m afraid for my safety, I’m upset because its rehashing a lot of old memories, and I’m a little happy because even though I shouldnt I still feel a little guilty like its my fault and I’m a little happy that he can live life again. WTF am I suppose to feel this way? And to top it off I really feel like I need some closure some admitence to what he did because still to this day some people in my family think I made the whole thing up and when the dna evidence is brought to their attention its, okay well if it did happen then you wanted it. WTF I was 11 & 12 years old what kind of 11 year old would want to have sex with their nearly 40 year old dad! But regardless of those idiots I still am at a loss of what to do. Do I hold this is forever never telling him what I need to say? Do I write him a letter and if I do am I ready to hear what he has to say? I just dont know =(

I can´t deal with it

Posted by Anonymous in Childhood on Apr 20th, 2011 | 4 comments

I told my best friend i was molested as a child !!!!!
but now i hate her because she knows and i can´t even look at her or speak to her now because of it……

my horrible horrible life

Posted by alexei in Childhood on Apr 13th, 2011 | 8 comments

I’m 12 years old I have verry litte friends my dad thinks I have no life and I have no respect.a few weeks ago Istared to sit in the bathroom and cry about all the horribles things I’ve done.my ADD and anger issues make ife so hard to live through I wish I could run away and rot in a hole.I have never been able to get many people to like me and accept me for who I am.and I’ve hurt so many other people I’m just such a terrible child.sometimes I wish I giant bomb withexpode I’m my head or something. Things don’t come up to u on a silver platter (like friends,respect for others and a dad that cares about my feeings) ):

foster daddy

Posted by lexi in Childhood on Feb 25th, 2011 | 8 comments

my foster father abused me mentally & sexually. its normal for a 13 year old girl to have her first kiss from a game of spin the bottle, not from her foster father. its normal for a girl to fall off her bike or the swings, not being pushed down a flight of stairs. its normal for a girl to have her first time with her boyfriend after prom not for a 15 year old girl who loses it to a man whose suppose to be her father. that night was just the 1st of many, but the last time he ever tried to make me do what i didnt want to again i hit him over the head with a flashlight,ran out to my foster mother who didnt believe a word i said. they sent me back to the goverment care a day later. im more messed up then anyone will ever know, thats why i cant talk to my real parents, thats why i cant date normally. because im not normal. nothing about me is and it scares me.

Is a simple life too much to ask for?

Posted by Anonymous in Childhood on Feb 19th, 2011 | 21 comments

When I was little, it was discovered that I have an extremely high IQ. My parents told me this for the first time when I was 8 years old and ever since I have been ‘playing stupid’. I score just enough in school to pass each year and sometimes I make mistakes while performing more complex tasks (doing mathematics, spelling, articulating) on purpose to blend in with society.

The reason for this is that I was bullied in elementary school because I didn’t know how to interact with other children of my age. I am now 18 and I have stacks of paper piled up in a drawer with a lock on it, all of them essays on various areas in science, mostly mathematics and phychics subjects, though also short stories, poetry and philosophical work. Last night I found a paper I wrote when I was 9 in which I explained in my own words Newton’s laws of physics. It’s been 10 years since I started repressing my intelligence and sometimes I just don’t know how to carry on like this for the rest of my life.

I test my IQ anonymously every few months and it has been around 165 for the past two years. I would love to exchange 50 points or so for an easier life, because sometimes I just make things hard on myself. (e.g. social life, philosophical thinking resulting in depression, head filled with insights the world doesn’t want to hear about)

Thanks for allowing me to throw this out here.

You took everything I had, away from me

Posted by anonymous in Childhood on Feb 9th, 2011 | 3 comments

Every night, I dream of living in a big house, with 5 cars, 2 amazing kids, and a lovin husband… But that will never happen. I can never have a boyfriend, or friends that will stay by my side. They always leave.

I never had a childhood thanks to you. You messed me up in every possible way. You took away my innocence, my bright personality, and my real self. I’m so lost now, not knowing who I was, or who i’m supposed to be. You forced me to grow up too fast, so young. I was only in fourth grade when you did this. You know, even after that, I called you my hero because you made me into who I am today. But I regret that. I hate who I am. Your’e not my hero, you’re a self-centered A-Hole. You think the world revolves around you, and that you can control my life. But let me tell you, you cant. You never again have such a major impact on my life. You are nothing but my drug supplier now. Other than that, I want nothing to do with you. You can’t/won’t support me on my most recent trip to the hospital, since i’ve gotten out, you treat me even worse. WHY CAN’T YOU SUPPORT ME ON GETTING HELP FOR MYSELF?! Do YOU Want me to be a miserable, unstable, wreck for the rest of my life?! I geuss this is all because I could’nt support you getting married without telling anyone in the family, to a slutty, gold digging b****. But I dont need you to. I’m going to get the help I can so maybe I can be that fun personality, loving girl I used to be, instead of this cynical, emotional train wreck that I am.

You used to be my brother… but now, I’m not thinking so anymore. I hope that maybe you’ll realize one day what you did to me, amd you’ll feel the guilt, the sadness, the loneliness I feel these days.

My Dad

Posted by Anonymous in Childhood on Feb 3rd, 2011 | 3 comments

Growing up, my parents hated each other and I was caught in the middle. They screamed at each other, hit each other in public, and once went down to the lobby of our apartment to have a screaming match. I have been hit with a vacuum, hangers, brooms, everything. When I was 4-6 years old, I used to live with the thought that my mom was going to leave us everyday.

It’s gotten better since then but my relationship with my dad is still strained. I don’t know how to open up to him when he’s never really cared or known anything about my life. I can’t even picture him walking me down the aisle.

Even today, I live with the guilt and thought that maybe if I wasn’t alive, my parents would be able to divorce and live happier lives.

Curious is the quarrel of my mind.

Posted by Devin in Childhood on Jan 23rd, 2011 | 14 comments

I suppose I can pose this as a question. I often wonder if I’m crazy. Not in a schizophrenic way. But rather, through my experiences and memories–my personality isn’t normal. I recognize that my personality isn’t normal if from nothing else besides what I find my self saying to other people. Most of the time my friends will tell me that I usually say weird things in public or say things that I should keep to my self. But I don’t see it as peculiar like they do.

I’m a 21 male and I’ve read in psychology books that psychological disorders usually start to occur through the mid-teens and fully develop in the early 20′s. I wonder if it is a psychological disorder that is wrong with me, or perhaps I am just the outcome of my past. (My wondering is the question i pose)
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No hope

Posted by Cathalina in Childhood on Nov 3rd, 2010 | 2 comments

Im a lonely girl who is badly sick and the stomach and no one can figure out how to fix it like they know what it is but dont know how to make it better (i have artery problems one of them is my diaphragm is crushing my main artery and the others is all twisted in a bad way so pain is unimaginable) and it makes me so sad like i stay home have only a few friends i talk to online and only one who visits a little and i hardly get out and i dont watch tv much and i wish to get back to high school i was only starting yr 7 when i got sick and never got tell my crush i liked him and sometimes i feel there’s no hope at all i feel like a burden to those around me and i have a lot of people around me who love me but sometimes i feel like i wanna kill myself just to end the pain and suffering but to do so i would hurt the one’s i love and even thinking about doing that scares me more than thinking about killing myself does so can anyone help has anyone ever had this type of thing before happen and can i find HOPE?!

father..,

Posted by why? in Childhood on Jul 25th, 2010 | 5 comments

You molested me… I would prey you would stop.
But when you didn’t…I would eventually begin to enjoy the pleasure that I felt. I feel gross that I enjoyed it.
I try to tell myself, that you played with my clit and I had no choice, it was the part that felt good.
I would cry afterward and feel gross.
I never wanted you to molest me. You just did.
It was wrong of you, you were suppose to love and protect me.
Instead now you killed yourself and I’m left with soo many daddy issues,emotional and sexual issues.

The fact that you exposed me to molestation made way for me to become a freak at a young age, going through your playboy magazines and feeling unsatisfied, until i found the magazines with really erotic poses and penetration. I would experiment pleasuring myself with house hold tools…

I feel disgusting that I sometimes think of rape in order to feel aroused.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?????!!!!!!!!!