father..,

Posted by why? in Childhood on Jul 25th, 2010 | 4 comments

You molested me… I would prey you would stop.
But when you didn’t…I would eventually begin to enjoy the pleasure that I felt. I feel gross that I enjoyed it.
I try to tell myself, that you played with my clit and I had no choice, it was the part that felt good.
I would cry afterward and feel gross.
I never wanted you to molest me. You just did.
It was wrong of you, you were suppose to love and protect me.
Instead now you killed yourself and I’m left with soo many daddy issues,emotional and sexual issues.

The fact that you exposed me to molestation made way for me to become a freak at a young age, going through your playboy magazines and feeling unsatisfied, until i found the magazines with really erotic poses and penetration. I would experiment pleasuring myself with house hold tools…

I feel disgusting that I sometimes think of rape in order to feel aroused.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?????!!!!!!!!!

did u think it was ok, to molest little kids

Posted by Anonymous in Childhood on Jul 24th, 2010 | 3 comments

my brother is perfect and chill and smart he’s really nice to me maybe he’s trying to make up for the fact he let his best friend molest me for several years when i was 5. his best friend is my 2nd cousin he was a teenager then. one day he asked me if i wanted to do something fun i didn’t know what it was but i though it was normal. he touched me in front of my brother and my brother didn’t do shit, he let it all happen. my brother is still best friends with my cousin and i see my cousin all the time he acts like nothing ever happened and is nice to me and for some reason i feel like i have to impress him. every time he comes over i try to get away from him and every time he gets to close i back away i think he remembers what he did and knows why i act the way i do. i hope it kills him inside, mean i know, but **** him :). sadly i wish i had their kind of friend ship.

because of this i cut off myself and was very quiet as a child this completely ruined my childhood. I told my friend. she laughed. she doesn’t believe me and she’s always complaining about her life and how she was suicidal, because her parents got divorced.

I am a bastard child my parents divorced when i was born (maybe i bring bad luck to people) i had a special bond with my dad (after they were divorced) until one day he randomly disappeared he came back this year I’m 14 he is really happy with his new family they live down the street. i have to hid this from my mom or else she would make us move (which wouldn’t be too bad) only me my brother and my grandma know of his residence there and i have too visit him secretly (but he doesn’t know i have to be secret about it). i pass his house everyday going to school i’m glad he’s happy :)

and i think my step dad secretly hates me but pretends to like me for my mom who is a selfish bitch and acts like she’s the only one who makes and effort. she always compliments herself and complains,

maybe thats why i was interview constantly when i told a friend i was going to kill myself when i was 10 and she told on me. the next day police showed up on my doorstep saying they had to talk to me it made my whole family miserable to my friend – guess what bitch, i don’t give a shit go complain to someone else.

-sorry i felt i had to say something

Wherever you are…

Posted by Anonymous in Childhood on May 27th, 2010 | 3 comments

When I was fifteen, I was raped. He was sixteen, and he told me the whole time that this was what people in relationships do. I was hit and badly bruised, and he left me after. Now that I look back, I wasted my high school life being afraid of boys, relationships, and letting this secret consume me. Not everyone will treat you with cruelty. Everything is going to be okay now.

I have a lot of repressed memories.

Posted by anonymous in Childhood on May 5th, 2010 | 3 comments

I’ve been thinking about what’s happened in my past, and I’ve forgotten a lot, but there are also some things that I’ve blocked out. I have vauge memories of being sexually abused as a young child, but I’m still trying to figure out what exactly happened. I’ve had flashes of the memory in the past, but I was able to get those thoughts out of my head quickly. When I told my mom what I could remember, she said that the only place she could think of that happening was at my daycare.

I keep remembering more, and I’m afraid to tell her that I think the place it happened was at the house my grandparents used to live in. I don’t want to cause any drama between the family by saying that I think it was a family member.

It was over ten years ago, but after trying to remember I’m remembering a lot more as time goes on. If I figure out it was someone in the family, I don’t think I’d tell my parents.

Deepest secret

Posted by Anonymous in Childhood on Apr 29th, 2010 | 10 comments

When I was six my older cousin (then a teenager) began molesting me this went on for several years I have never told anyone I am now 26.

Where are you?

Posted by Anonymous in Childhood on Mar 28th, 2010 | 5 comments

My mother- the prostitute meth head. I have not talked to her since my 7th birthday when she promised me a barbie dream house. Which I did not get. Last time I saw her, I was about a year old. Her “boyfriend” at the time beat the living hell out of me and the court took me away.

What I would really like to know is

How can she leave her child, abandon her. Does she ever think about me? I wonder if I ever cross her mind.

I’m sorry I wasn’t better than any drug, Mom.

My Father Abused Me

Posted by Anonymous in Childhood on Feb 19th, 2010 | 6 comments

My father abused me from when I was 4 until 12, then he died of cancer. I used to be able to cope but since I injured my back, I’ve had more time to think and now Im having a lot of trouble copeing. I cannot go see a therapist because I don’t want it to appear on any records since Im training to become a search and rescue technician and Im alreadying having trouble,: being a girl and have a back injury(no apparent damage to bones so they cannot say anything about that yay!) Id love to get help, but I know I could not tell any friends,Id be to scared somehting slipped out becuase no one knows.
Thanks for reading!

Who am I?

Posted by J in Childhood on Feb 16th, 2010 | 3 comments

I don’t even know where to start or if this even matters. I just know that no one but one other knows this. But the complications in this are so scrambled together, I’m not even sure if my conclusions are right. When my best friend and I were both about ten or eleven, we had been friends since we met at age eight. We would see eachother regularly, sleep over eachothers houses, et-cet. One night sleeping at his house, he suddenly grabbed my hand and made me fondle him. At the time I didn’t know why, or why I even went with it, but for some reason I did. And I was somewhat aware that I was sexually attracted to girls. After the first time, we started sexually experimenting regularly during sleep overs, in which case I progressively became comfortable with it, still not understanding why. I recall us both resolving with eachother that this was like practicing on eachother to prepare for girlfriends in the future, I guess because we eventually were aware that these homosexual activities of ours were not considered normal and were best preserved as secret. and so us both in self denial, we forced ourselves to adjust our behavior and mentality respectively, around the ‘elephant in the room’. But then one day few years later in our mid teens, we reached our climax of insecurity so I asked him if he remembered when it started, how, and why. He said he remembers me first proposing to engage in the idea. But I remember that moment most vividly among few other significant moments in life. We decided to stop doing it, to not talk about it, think about it, or tell anyone. And we did exactly that. Here’s my problem- after discontinuance of our intimacy, I started to miss it. I figured the reason why to be because he’s my best friend, who I loved and still love beyond any physical satisfaction, and because he’s beautiful in all ways. I realized that I fell in love with him. And I KNOW those experiences stirred his sexuality as well, he’s just in denial of it. What hurts me, is that he tries his best to deny these feelings, with the fear of deviating from the socially accepted norm. It pisses me off that I was at once normal (perfectly capable of being homosexually influenced) and then sexually violated by my best friend; then- in order to not turn against him in a state of blind hate- forcing myself to psychologically adjust myself to gain satisfaction for it in spite of keeping our friendship, just to have that beautiful connection we had cut off to never be indulged again, now having to live the rest of my life knowing what happened, what could have been, and dealing with the fact that it didn’t, and wishing beyond all possibility that we could have that happiness, and ultimately the possibility that he feels exactly the same. Said experiences have enticed many internal conflicts, which in turn enticed harmless pot smoking into cocaine and alcohol use. We both now are addicts and alcoholics. But despite the many chaotic and delusional episodes of feelings of hopelessness, I still and always will have the most potent love for that kid, a special love beyond any human understanding… even my own.

my invisible scar

Posted by Anonymous in Childhood on Feb 6th, 2010 | 4 comments

It’s been almost 10 years now and I have to get this out. Sometimes it all come rushing back to me… Little memories that come back that feel like I’m still there in that exact moment they publicly humiliated me. I just wish I had the courage and self-dignity to do something about it. I should have never let them hurt me the way they did. I felt so alone and even my friends didn’t stand by me. How could anyone be so hurtful? They didn’t realize how much it hurt me! It was overwhelming and as much as I wanted to cry out for help, the rumor that I was gay that they started was so embarrassing that I felt I couldn’t even talk to my own family about it. I have never felt so alone, insecure or vulnerable in my entire life as I did those years in school. It was somethings that always haunts me to this day. I wonder how different my life would be today If it had never happened. Everything I’ve done since after has been questioned and scrutinized by my conscious because my confidence was crushed. No one should ever have to be put through that torment. No one deserves to feel worthless and unloved like I did. The constant Hell I went through on a daily basis was more painful than any physical pain I have ever experienced. The emotional scar is still there and as much as I wish it would just go away, little things still remind me that it’s there. I hope that someday I will be able to face those people who hurt me so badly and stole my self-confidence and mostly my self-respect. I don’t even think they would remember what they did… I just want to feel like I’ve done nothing wrong. I have tried to create the person who I thought people wanted me to be. The person that I had to be to be accepted. Along the way, I’ve lost myself… I don’t even know which actions are for face and which ones are really me. Who am I? I am so tired of being defined by what I feel I should be and not what I WANT TO BE! Why do I carry this feeling of guilt? It’s as if every person I meet can see this scar…. this insecurity I carry. In everything I do, I feel it. What I can’t get over is the fact that this sense of being ashamed never goes away and that I never did anything wrong to deserve this. I feel like I was scarred on the forehead and if feels like everyone can see this insecurity I have. I am so angry, GOD I AM STILL SO ANGRY, I so badly want to feel normal… I don’t even know what it is to feel normal… Just need to get this off my chest and take control of my life for once!

i was young

Posted by Anonymous in Childhood on Dec 30th, 2009 | 3 comments

about 10 years ago, i used to like to get naked around kids, i only did it a couple times, but im done with that now, i never touched the kids, they are like my brothers and i just happened to be naked around them, i was also about 13 years old at the time

my dad

Posted by jill in Childhood on Dec 28th, 2009 | 8 comments

I grew up on a sheep property in the central west of NSW Australia> when I was 12 years my Mum who was very attractive and a happy wonderful mum developed Cancer and within 3 months had passed away. I helped out with dad as best as I could and we naturally became very close. I had always, when worried or frightened came into Mum and Dad’s bed for comfort and when mum passed away this continued. When I was 15 years it was such a time, I had developed into a women quickly and came into Dad’s bed it was a cold wet night – we talked and talked he was a strong man and as we talked I could feel his manlinesss close to me as he held me. I made love to him for the first time- it just happenned. Dad did have guilt feelings but for me I felt no guilt for what happenned as it was the most incredible experience for me. It continued for another 3 years from time to time only when either one of us needed each other. I went off to Uni became a teacher met my husband had two lovely children and lived a wonderful life. Recently my dad passed away I miss him dearly he was a wonderful dad – a wonderful caring lover and a real man – not all incestuous experiences are wrong and I have never had any guilt feelings about what happened between us those many years ago

Be nice forever

Posted by Anoynmous in Childhood on Dec 18th, 2009 | 5 comments

When i was a little girl my older brother made a deal with me. He could molest me as long as he was nice to me forever. It didnt last long and i didnt like him for a very long time but now, ten years later, we are friends and i love him to death. How should this have impacted my life? Cause it seems to me that it never did..