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Confessions of a whinging bitch.

Posted by in Alone on May 3rd, 2010 | 0 comments

I love you so much, but I can never tell you because your rejection is what I fear the most. We’re alike in almost every way & you make my world a better place. It kills me when you talk about her. How different you are to her, but you like her anyway.

I have problems connecting with people. That said, I have a lot of friends. Tons infact. So many people have said that I am special & mean a lot to them, but the fact of the matter is I don’t really care much for them. I mean, yes I would be kind of sad if they died or something bad happened, but there’s still no real connection. They’re just comforts. Knowing this pains me & makes me feel like a bitch. I don’t use them & I really do try to make something work out, but it’s no use.

I have only felt connected to two people. My dad, who is getting iller by the week & I fear he wont live a full life.
& you, an amazingly intelligent, kind, deep, thoughtful guy. But at this rate, I fear losing you too & in my mind I will be alone.

I have never had so many friends before, but why do I feel so empty?

My dog has always been the most important thing to me. She still is. When my parents would fight when I was younger, I used to cry behind the couch or under a table holding her & she would lick my face. Whenever I was upset she would come sit by me. She meant to much to me. She died last November & I still cry almost everyday.

I have never felt this alone. I hate it.

I know I just sound like a whinging bitch. I really try not to be. Gahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Breaking point

Posted by in Alone on Apr 22nd, 2010 | 8 comments

We all have our breaking points. I have reached my breaking point. This is my confessions of the sins i have done….and may do. My story starts with a boy. He made me smile and laugh and feel amazing about myself. I gave this particular boy my virginity. Yes we had sex many times and i fell head over heels in love with him. We did not use protection… Well he broke up with me 4 months ago because he wanted me to be happy. We had sex the day before. So now I’m a alone 16 year old who is 4 months pregnet with his child. Does he know? Nope, he’s too busy ******* my best friend. Today would have been our anniversary….and he told me today that hes head over heels in love with her….last night he had me thinking he was getting back with me…but hes not. In 5 months i will be having his child. I wonder when he’s going to notice the little bump in my stomach. I dont know what to do with myself anymore. I want to die, I want to kill him, i want to live, i want him back…I cant raise this baby on my own. Im lost….Im breaking…The only thing that is keeping me from harming myself is the living thing inside me. My baby…HIS baby. I am utterly alone waiting for this child to be born. I am alone

I’m a complete fake

Posted by in Alone on Apr 10th, 2010 | 4 comments

Since I developed an eating disorder I have become fake and a liar. I don’t love my family, I don’t like my friends either even though I know they love me.
I’ve attempted suicide twice during the past year.
I can’t cry anymore, I think i’m sort of numb.
I’m 14 and have never admitted to any of this, I’ve become a very good liar. I’ll probably continue this way until i’m finally discovered.

Thank you for reading stranger.

Im so tired

Posted by in Alone on Mar 29th, 2010 | 16 comments

My name is Andrea and im 17. I live with my boyfriend who physically abuses me on a daily basis. I moved in with him because my step father was sexually abusing me for almost 10 years.
My mother believes me, but i know she has anger towards me because i was forced to have sex with her husband..

I literally have no one.
I feel alone.
I have no where to go.

I think about suicide all the time but i know im too scared to do it.

All i really want is for someone to really love me.
Really and TRULY love me.

I am suffering and nobody knows

Posted by in Alone on Mar 28th, 2010 | 2 comments

I have been severely depressed for the last 7 years of my life. I’ve suffered from extreme social phobia, moderate ocd, and recently found out I have aspergers syndrome. I have no friends, no social life, and it’s only getting worse. Nobody in my family knows of this, and I’ve kept it a secret from everyone. I just suffer in silence, waiting until I can finally die. I’m barely able to keep a job and I’m going to be forced to drop out of college because I can’t handle being around people. I’m 23 and I’ve never been in a real relationship. I just sit in isolation, day after day, wondering why I’m still alive.

I am sad…I want to die

Posted by in Alone on Mar 27th, 2010 | 4 comments

I hurt myself at work almost a year ago. It was a back injury, I haven’t been the same ever since. I have been under a lot of stress at work and I know thats how I pulled a muscle. Since then I had major depression, anxiety, and just recently tested positive for an auto immune disease and am in even more pain. My doctor ignores me, so do my friends (they are also in the medical field) I feel so alone. I cry everyday because I am in pain and I know now that my life will never be the same. I want to die and I don’t know who to turn to. live in a small town and everyone knows everyone. If I try to get help word will get out, and I am not emotionally prepared to deal with it. I have a husband and a son, bu they don’t understand what I am going through…If they weren’t in my life I would throw myself into the ocean. My life will never be the same nor will I. I thought that posting this would make me feel better, but I can’t stop crying. I still want to die.

Backwards Boyfriend

Posted by in Alone on Mar 21st, 2010 | 1 comment

My boyfriend wants to talk to me all the time about getting married and having kids. I’m not that interested in doing either, as I know we don’t have what it takes in for the long haul.

The weird thing is, he won’t tell me he loves me, and we don’t have sex very often anymore. We live together but fight pretty often.

He’s talked about messing with my birth control so I accidentally get pregnant, or drugging me to get me to marry him. He thinks he’s funny but it’s so entirely backwards I can’t help but think he’s too much of an unrealistic child to be with anymore.

I feel more alone with his crazy comments than I do when he is less pushy about all the things I don’t want with him.

naturally selected

Posted by in Alone on Mar 16th, 2010 | 13 comments

My embarrassing confession: I am a 30 year old man. I haven’t had sex in 10 years. The last time was with my last relationship which was really just my first girlfriend that lasted from ages 17-20. I feel pathetic on a daily basis when it comes to the opposite sex. I am social, have some friends that are beautiful single women, have a successful career, a fun lifestyle, and have even been described as a funny and a talented artist. I have had a handful of dates over the last ten years and have even “fooled around” with a couple women. But nothing that lasted more than 3 days. As long as I can remember being interested in girls I have been consistently rejected. I feel cursed. I’v even made-up a handful of stories about having sex just so I am not ostracized too much by my male peers as weird and not judged too much by the opposite sex as inadequate or undesirable. It’s all judgement. All the time.

I am sick of hearing all the tired cliches about love and the surprises it brings. I feel a resentment for society growing in me daily and it makes me even more depressed. I don’t play the “game” and I flirt horribly, and even when I do it feels forced and disingenuous. I have been to therapy and they said that I just have existential depression and topped treatment after 3 sessions as if it is something that is untreatable. They say I’m depressed because I think too much about the world around me. I keep all this to myself because I don’t want anyone to judge me for having low self-esteem. I am chubby so I already get the assumption of that from people.

I see other couples and they treat eachother with such disregard and convenience for they’re own selfish needs and vain void filling. I fear that I would fall into the same trap. I have thought about committing suicide but I am in no way religious, don’t want to hurt my family/friends, and I am way too curious about the future. But waking up every day with no one to relate to romantically is uninspiring and mentally exhausting.

There are plenty of fish in the sea but every day I feel more like an rare, weird-looking, chubby, extinct specie of fish.. naturally selected to die out.

It does feel good to vent the human condition though.

Gay and In Love

Posted by in Alone, Guilt on Mar 8th, 2010 | 2 comments

I’m gay and I haven’t told my parents. I’m also in love with a girl who already has a girlfriend. She completes me…and I can’t imagine my life without her. She knows, and says she loves me too, but doesn’t want to break up with her girlfriend because it would ruin their friendship. Also, we live on opposite sides of the world. I feel so guilty but at the same time I wish she would just admit it…and come to me. I would die without her…I really would.

Worse than they know

Posted by in Alone on Mar 1st, 2010 | 3 comments

I’m in Therepy weekly to deal with my depression. i’ve had it for 5 years now. i just got to the point where i signed my self up for therapy behind my parents back. i eventually told them about it under my shrinks advice. But the thing is i havent told anyone including my shrink about the suicidal thoughts i have cause im afraid ill get put in the mental hospital like they did to my sister a couple years ago. they let her out a couple days later but she only got put in for being melodramatic. im afraid if i tell them i get suicidal at times theyll put me in there for weeks.

It also kind of makes me sad that i was that depressed for 5 years and not one person noticed, or if they did they never cared enough to ask.

I lie to myself

Posted by in Alone on Feb 11th, 2010 | 3 comments

I don’t believe you love me when you tell me and I don’t believe you even care about me. I think you have another girlfriend somewhere else and you are cheating on me. I think you lie to me constantly and you are a fake. It makes me cringe when I look at you because I know that you are up to NO good. However, I still wash your clothes and fix your dinner, make you feel like your number one. I lie to myself…

Alone

Posted by in Alone on Feb 9th, 2010 | 9 comments

Need to get this off my shoulders.

I’m 19, living at home, have wonderful parents, older brother, and younger sister who i love dearly.

I am a very outgoing girl, love to have fun, always smiling, was never a loner and down to earth.

1.
My dad is cheating on my mum. I found out when he bought another woman home with her. My brother was at his gf’s my mum was on a girls weekend away, my little sister was a friends for a sleepover. I was meant to be going out for the night into town, but plans changed and ended up coming home early.
thinking no one would be home i guess he thought he would bring her home withouth anyone noticing. I’m not sure how long this has been going on for. But now that i know he has been negging me not to say anything to mum or anyone.

The thing that got me most upset was that she sat down on the couch and started talking to me. Like there was nothing wrong.

I was not sure if i had any right to tell my mum. But i thought she had a right to know. After a few months of begging dad to tell her, he didnt so i went and told her.

I sat her down and long story short as soon as i said it she got up walked out of the room with tears running down her face and said that i am not her daughter anymore.

I guess she was just upset and didnt know what to do so she blames it on me.

I have never been exremely close with my parents but i still love them no matter what.

My little sister i think is too young to understand what is going on. when parents fight i usually take her for a little drive to get an ice cream or toa friends house or something. she knows im there for her

2.
My older brother who is a year older than me, we have been the closest of sibling ayone could ever imagine. He is the onl person i feel i could turn to, we were the best of friends.

He has a gf. They have been dating for two years and have just moved into the granny falt at the end of our house together.
His gf has issues. She is a compulsive liar. And will do anything for attention. Including getting rid of me.
Not going into it but she has slowly and gradually turned my brother against me. by making up all these little stories about how i would steal money out of his wallet, sleep around with all of his mates.. just heaps of little nasty things that i would never dream of doing.

anyway, my brother now does not want to know me.

3.
I know im only young, but i have had my bad share of guy toubles. I was dating someone for 3 years. Then found out he had been cheating on me for hte last 6 months of our relationship. After taking him back a few times. The last time was the very last.

I met up with an old friend about 8 months after me and my ex had broken up. We hit it off pretty well and one thing led to another we ended up dating. he had always had a reputation for being a bit of a player. I was hesitant at the start but then learned after a week of him busting out the big “L” word, cheated on me with one of my good friends. I had my suspicions but always approached him and he said i wa just being silly and all that comes with..

4.
I hate my job. It’s pretty slack pay for the amount of work i do. But i can’t afford to study and to have a life (not to sounds selfish) as my parents do not support me in anyway. I pay $10 in board every week, pay for my own food etc. etc. I am greatful for everything they have done, they bought me up to be ther person i am today. I’m prud of myself and i thank them enourmously for that.
but i can’t seem to find a decent job, something that i like doing, or a course i am interested in that is not so expensive. It’s hard to save consierding the circumstances.

5.
I am slowly learning who my real friends are. Slowly learning that people are not who they crack up to be. though lying. sleeping with ex.bf’s, spreading rumours etc etc. the list is narrowing down and i dont know if i can say i have any ‘real’ friends. sure i have firends.. but no one who i can bust my soul out to.

6.
I moved out of home. Expecting to leave all of this behind. Just till sort my head out. but turns out the firned i was living with also was sleeping with BOTH of my Ex’s. I thought she was my best friend.

I had to move back home beacuse i had no where else to go. Its hard living in the same house as a mum who had disowned you and knowing that your dad is cheating on your mum and there is nothing you can do about it.
But i am thankful they let me come back. I still love them.

7.
A friend of mine just died of a heart attack. He was 20 years old. Not at the slightest one bit fair.
I somehow thought that this would bring people together. Make people realise to not take friends for granted. Guess i was wrong.

8. My nanna lives in NZ, i am from Australia. she is sick. And is going to die soon. I think knwoing someon is going to die and not being able to see them because of finacial difficulties and the distance, makes it alot mroe harder.

9.0
A friend of mine tried killing herself the other day.
She backed out and now expects everyone to be fine with it. She does not know how even mentining it affected anyone else. she doesnt know how many people actually care for her.
I can’t explain it any other way. she is slefish and self centred. And did it for attentnion. Not trying to be mean. but iv known her for years. And she is an attention seeker..

So i think it’s safe to say i have trust issues.
I dont know what to do anymore. And i dont have anyone to talk to..

No one knows any of this. And im not sure who i can talk to..

Yet i feel so guilty.. There are people out there who dont even have a family, no home. Nothing. I feel horrible for winging.

I don’t feel I have anyone to turn to..

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