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I’ve Confined Trillions to Endless Suffering…

Posted by in Alone on Nov 2nd, 2010 | 2 comments

I am still stuck inside of one of the vessels. Something went wrong, all I remember is feeling so alone and meaningless all by myself in the vast emptiness of the undisturbed universe that I started to shake and rumble. Next thing I know, I’m sitting here trapped inside one of the trillions of pieces of consciousness I shattered into when I had what must have been a nervous breakdown. So now I keep thinking I’m living among all these other people in these different environments, but they’re all me and they’re FIGHTING EACH OTHER! The other ones don’t even remember where they came from. They worship me, but they don’t know who I am. Do you know how ****** up that is, watching someone worship themselves and not realize it? My worst fear is that I purposefully put myself in this state because the loneliness of being omnipresent drove me to want to die. I don’t know what I want, why can’t it all just be still?

I’m scared I’m going to finally kill myself

Posted by in Alone on Nov 2nd, 2010 | 7 comments

I’m scared I’m going to kill myself. Everything in my life has come to a standstill. I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. The next guy I started dating broke up with me after two weeks. He said we were suppose to start over again, but stopped calling me. I really liked him.
I live at home with my parents. My dad is a control freak. My family is screwed up. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to leave here.
Right now my life is a downward spiral and it has been for as long as I can remember. I’m scared it’s never going to get better. I was promised so many times that it’s going to get better… but it never does. It just gets worse.
I’ve built up this great prospective future in my head, and now I’m afraid my future is going to be just as ****** up as my past. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m a failure at this point.

An angel in my life

Posted by in Alone on Nov 1st, 2010 | 3 comments

I am alone, I was broke and without any ability to help myself. I did not have a job and could not find one.

A man I met many years ago crossed my path and offered me a job. A great job. I really like it. I am respected where I work. I have responsibilities where I work.

He doesn’t know about my situation, and that I am barely able to survive. I don’t have a bank account and have to sell my check to get it cashed. I can’t buy clothes for work, I wear the same things, I don’t have a car and many days I walk an hour to get to my job because I can’t afford transportation.

I need so much help. I am ashamed of myself because I am in the situation I am in because of my own stupidity and ignorance.

I lean on him for everything, and now I lean on him emotionally as well. I can’t bring myself to tell him of my real situation and how desperate it is. I pretend to be o.k. If he had not crossed my path I would be homeless and on the street.

Is this what an angel is?

I can’t ask for help

Posted by in Alone on Oct 30th, 2010 | 3 comments

I want someone to notice my lies. Because I don’t know how to tell the truth anymore about how I feel.
I wish someone wouldn’t accept a one word answer for how I’m doing.
I need help even though I deny it, even though I do everything I can to seem together. I hide it all to well, the cutting, the drinking, the binges or the purges.
I am slowing falling apart and I need someone, anyone to see it.

This can apply to so many people that I feel sick…

Posted by in Alone on Oct 17th, 2010 | 30 comments

I hate my life. I don’t have any friends. I always feel like I say, or do, the wrong things. I’m terrified of rejection. My parents are always pressuring me to “get some friends.” I don’t want to have friends, I want to die. I’m a loser and I waste the air I breath. I hate myself so much. I’m insecure about my appearance, my personality, and my worth as a human being. I believe God exists, but it seems like he ignores specific people(s). When you’re at your lowest point ever and you’re crying out from the depths of despair “God, do not forsake me. Help me please!” he ignores me. I want to die; I came the closest I’ve ever come to commiting suicide tonight. I took one my guns, loaded it, chambered a round, cocked the hammer, and put the barrel in my mouth. I was so scared I cried. I find myself crying a lot. I always crave attention. I don’t know why. I feel nauseous most of the time. I’ve thought about therapy, but I’m afraid that would screw my life up even worse. I tried to kiss a girl, and she rejected me. I felt so worthless. I’d like to stop eating. I approached her awkwardly, I tried, and the worst thing was that I didn’t talk to her about it. I was so scared I just said “ok” and left. I’m so embarrassed, I feel worthless, useless, and awkward. I was going to swim in our fetted, disgusting, sewage filled pond tonight. I planned to leave my soaking wet clothes where my family would find them (just so I’d get attention). I often wonder if there’s something physcologically wrong with me. One of the thoughts that scares me most of all is that this is just a phase, and I’m completely overblowing the situation. I know it feels real to me now, but what if it is only teen angst, and I’m letting it effect me this way? The thought makes me cringe with shame. That’s it, I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed of who I am, what I drive, how I eat, what I look like, how I act, what I do, how many people I can call friends. I’m so insecure, and it makes me feel even more ashamed. I saw a commercial tonight of a kid at her highschool play. Her friends tease her about her dad not being there. They say, “I thought your dad was supposed to be here.” The girl says in an obviously doubting tone “he’ll be here.” At the last minute her father shows up. I found myself crying. I wished that God was that way. But God never shows up. The curtain opens, the crowd watches expectantly, and you break down and cry in front of life. I’ve made a promise to God; I promised I’d wait one year for him to show himself to me. If he hasn’t shown himself to me by October 14th 2011, I’ll commit suicide. I’ll bring my running shoes, jog into the woods as far as my body will allow me to, find a deserted ravine or clearing, and shoot myself through the head. I feel worthless, ashamed, nauseous, perpetually anxious, hungry, lonely, sad, terrified, embarassed, and tired. Oh yes, worst of all I feel tired. I’m tired of trials, I’m tired of strife, I’m tired of people, I just want to die….

Is that too much to ask God?

In the end though, I know, this is just another anonymous post from any one of millions people going through the same s**t. I really hate you God. Why do so many people have to suffer for something as arbitrary as sin?

why have I done it?

Posted by in Alone on Oct 12th, 2010 | 4 comments

I am in a relationship already for 4 years, the first two years were wonderful…and than I went abroad, because I got an job offer, contract for 3.5 years. When I got the offer I was scared to accept it, because of everything..loosing him, changing a living place…but he supported me. He said… I know you want it, you should fulfil it, otherwise you will not be happy with me. I was really happy to have a support like that. We made a decision together that I should accept and go, that it will be better for us, that he will also find an position here. This opportunity will give us a chance that we can earn more money in order to support one day our small family…sounded nice.

Already, two years had gone since I moved…life can be stressful when you are alone, in another country…everything new.
But, with the time you get used to it, new environment, new people…new nice things.
We see each other once per 2-3 months, for a weekend or for a week. It is nothing in comparison to the time when we were together, when we lived together. I miss him, and I am always scared when I should meet with him, that something in us changed. I always criticize him that he should be more active, in a finding a new job here…but he just sometimes send an CV, just too keep me calm…like you see I am doing it. In two years he send maybe 4 CV with application…
Than I got frustrated and say to him ok…I will come back…and than he says no you will not..it is not our plan…just wait a little…. and than I got scared…

And than it comes to big disappointment…I had a biggest disappointment in my life..in ME!
There is one colleague, who was always beside me…giving me attention…I always tried to suppress his attention towards me, we got closer and closer. Once we went on one congress, had a nice time there, dinner and after mooore drinks, I got drunk…and cheated my boyfriend…and since the 1st second I feel awful.

I loose my feet underground…becoming somebody who does not want to be… I do not know why have I done it?
I try to find the reason….why have I done it?
When I did it, I realized that my boyfriend is the best thing that could happen to me…but I got desperate that we will never be together. And I do not like the fact that I got close with someone else…but it happened. And now I can not speak with my colleague…and its hard to speak with my boyfriend as well.

There are no excuses… and I do not have a clue what should I do.

I don’t care anymore!

Posted by in Alone on Oct 8th, 2010 | 3 comments

I’m depressed because I don’t know how to get to people or talk to them. I have friends, sure, but I suck at being a friend or even making conversation. My life is the most boring life. I don’t do anything fun and I’m alone most of the time. When someone invites me to a party I don’t go because I don’t know how to dance and think I won’t have fun, but inside of me I know I’ll manage and that I WILL HAVE FUN, but I still don’t go bc I’m afraid. I’m always afraid of EVERYTHING!
I suck at the things I do. I draw, but I never practice so I’m not the best and I don’t wanna practice bc I wanna also do other things. I play the flute but I SUCK at it and even when I do practice I don’t get any better. I like to read, but I never finish a book. I’m a good student but I don’t like to study nor do I ever pay attention to teachers so I’m the SECOND of my class. And I just suck at everything else. I don’t want to be the best, but I’m frustrated bc I don’t have a real talent.

I wish I could have someone to tell these things to, but I don’t have any close friend, and the only closer one just likes to criticize me for everything instead of giving me a good advice or just trying to cheer me up. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I talk alone all the time. I’m that lonely.

Sometimes the pc is my only window to the world for I never get out of my house, bc I don’t even have any place to go. I know the things I can do, I know the things I can/should fix about myself, I know there’s no really something wrong with me and most of the time I’m happy with being who I am, but I’m just too much afraid to try anything; to try to get out of my lonely bubble; to try to be a better person, TO JUST TRY, and I’m just soooooooooo frustrated.

Talking throught internet is a lot easier, and even so, I can’t join the fun most of the time. That makes me feel even worse.

I don’t want to be popular or loved by everyone, less yet the soul of the party. I just want to catch up with the others and have fun with/like everyone else.

Some ppl may believe this is not a confession, but to me it is, bc I need to share these thoughts and feelings I’ve never shared with anyone. I need to say it, and not just to myself.

*Sigh* if I just could stop being afraid and start trying…

Im misserable….

Posted by in Alone on Oct 6th, 2010 | 4 comments

i hate my life! my mom is an alcoholic, my dad is too, and he does drugs, im only sixteen! how am i supposed to coe with this! no one beleives me, i want out. i cut to make the pain go away, but it only works for a while. im starting to drink more and more because im so miserable and i want to drown my sorrows. its not working and im going to end up just like my parents. i dont want to be like them! i need help and no one will listen!

Lonliness

Posted by in Alone on Sep 28th, 2010 | 2 comments

I dont think anyone loves me the way i love them. I love my friends so much and i doubt they love me back. I was alone a lot when i was little and i dont ever want to b lonely again. I need someone to love me too.

Friends

Posted by in Alone on Sep 26th, 2010 | 4 comments

The last few months of my life have been a downward spiral into sadness and depression. I have hurt too many people in these months so that i have lost about half of all my friends. I have no hope left and all I have is a horrible feeling of hopelessness in my life. My whole demeanor has been happiness on the outside but i don’t know how much longer i can keep up this whole charade that i have been playing. My grades aren’t slipping but they give me more satisfaction anymore. I’m done. Depression isn’t giving up its just saying that I have been strong for too long and i am done with it.

Last Day Of My Life…

Posted by in Alone on Sep 5th, 2010 | 6 comments

I have a pretty privileged life, I have a car that my parents pay to keep and fuel. I have a flat that is paid for. I have food when I want and even have fast broadband and cable TV.

So why is it that I spend most days contemplating how I am going to end my own life?

I will ask my mum to cook with me when i visit her and she will find the recipe and buy expensive ingredients, but all I really want is for her to help me learn to cook. Not spend out and then do something on her own and leave me to follow the step by step in the book.

I try to have hobbies that I can share with my dad but he will buys us both the equipment that we need for whatever fad we have chosen to try, do it one with me once and then give me the stuff to do it on my own in future.

It seems like things are perfect from outside but all I want is for my parents to sit and watch TV with me or even come around to see my place, once would be nice.

So today I am doing something about it. I am ending my life, and beginning another one.

I am disappearing. I will move away and leave everything behind. start a new life somewhere new. I have managed to save £1000 over the last couple of years. I can afford to rent a flat and start fresh. At least now I can truly be alone, instead of having to speak to my family everyday who really don’t give a shit but call all the time just because it is what they are supposed to do.

New name
New home
New me
Alone forever

i feel like this everyday.

Posted by in Alone on Sep 3rd, 2010 | 9 comments

not a day goes by that i dont feel like drowning myself or harming myself in some fatal fashion.

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