when will the sun shine?

Posted by Anonymous in Alone on Jan 21st, 2011 | 5 comments

Im lost. im confused. im broken. but you’d never know it. im the optimistic friend, im the sholder to cry on, im the one they all confide in. I cannot cry nor show pain. I can no longer save everyone else. i need to be save. someone save me.

i was raped between the ages of 8-13.
i was abused by a dunken mother until child protective services took me away when i was 14.. i was forced to clean up my own blood off the floor because “i deserved it”.
i wore the same shirt everyday to middle school because clothes were not a nessisity. i was tortued. food was rare. cable? ha. i just prayed for heat, electricy and warm water.
i was kicked out of my highschool and forced into an alternitive one due to the fact that i was “a lazy disobeadent teenager.” but the real reason was because i didnt even have the strength to get out of bed, i would go days with out eating, just hoping, and praying that i would soon die. no one visited. no one called. no one cared.

no one knew my pain, until i met him. i told him everything. i loved him…for 2 years he was my everything.

only i didnt see that he was ******* 8 of my friends behind my back. he destroyed me, my best friends? how could you? i was alone.

i never opened up ever again.

but i continue to smile, and be referred to as “strong” from those around me…

but inside im dying, im cold, im alone, and im scared. i want this all to end. things will get better? when?…i cannot recall a specific time in my life when i could actually say i was happy. i havent ever been happy. and thats what scares me the most.

i’d give anything to be happy.

To a point where I couldn’t get him out of my head

Posted by Anna in Alone, Love on Jan 13th, 2011 | 2 comments

I have an utterly disgraceful attraction towards this guy-right at the spark of the moment we meet. We both did, and it’s unavoidable.He’s 10 years older than me and he is married with a kid. We have the same way of thinking and chemistry is highly volatile, so much people around us feel uneased. Lately we’ve both been trying to ‘ignore’ it. It’s gotten to the point of awkwardness like for example -
He looks at me, and I look away. I look at him and he looks away. Yes, how very corny!

Funny thing is, he knows I’ve got a boyfriend and I’ve met his wife. I think both of my boyfriend and the wife senses it.

And I can guarantee he talks about me a lot and if I may say so- he has interesting dreams of me from those guilty glares that he should only look at his wife with.

The sick thing is-we both know we’re each others type!
Yet we both know we’re involved with someone and we both are very loyal. Afterall, I do love my boyfriend too, just not all the same ways.

Some might say I’ve just settled for someone for companionship sake.
Fact is- I think there’s many types of marriage of love.

Getting him out of my head

Posted by Anna in Alone, Love on Jan 13th, 2011 | 0 comments

I know what that sort of feels like. I have an utterly disgraceful attraction towards this guy-right at the spark of the moment we meet. We both did, and it’s unavoidable.He’s 10 years older than me and he is married with a kid. We have the same way of thinking and chemistry is highly volatile, so much people around us feel uneased. Lately we’ve both been trying to ‘ignore’ it. It’s gotten to the point of awkwardness like for example -
He looks at me, and I look away. I look at him and he looks away. Yes, how very corny!

Funny thing is, he knows I’ve got a boyfriend and I’ve met his wife. I think both of my boyfriend and the wife senses it.

And I can guarantee he talks about me a lot and if I may say so- he has interesting dreams of me from those guilty glares that he should only look at his wife with.

The sick thing is-we both know we’re each others type!
Yet we both know we’re involved with someone and we both are very loyal. Afterall, I do love my boyfriend too, just not all the same ways.

Some might say I’ve just settled for someone for companionship sake, fact is- I think there’s many types of marriage of love.

i desperately wish i could die.

Posted by lost soul in Alone on Dec 27th, 2010 | 6 comments

I’m a new mum….lost my first child in my divorce….I love both my children but regret them. My boyfriend treats me like shit but I’m afraid to leave him and be alone so I stay. I have really low self esteem….no I hate myself. Had a shitty childhood, was molested by my moms catholic priest but never told n e one. I resorted to alcohol and drugs through my teen years and although I was placed in a rehab I gave up drugs but still drink. I try…but nothing seems to change. I want to give up….unfortunately I’m too much of a coward to end it myself.

Gay and Scared

Posted by Anonymous in Alone on Dec 19th, 2010 | 27 comments

I consciously realised I was gay when I was seventeen and am now in my early twenties. It’s been awful as I have remained in the closet and have gone through some really dark spells where I just felt worthless and like I didn’t want to go on anymore. I still haven’t ‘come out’ to anyone but have managed to almost come to terms with it myself – which has been a very long process. Being a girl, (who wears ‘girly’ clothes and make up, has long wavy hair – in a sense looks very stereotypically heterosexual), I think makes it harder for me as, of course, everyone assumes you to be ‘normal’ – whatever that is. I’ve read so much online about the pride of the gay community but I don’t feel any pride; if I did I wouldn’t still be closeted. It’s so hard hearing everyone around me talk about gay people in an inferior way, especially those with strong religious values. I’ve read the most heartbreaking comments (mainly from people online) – the worst being the quote “aids is not just God’s punishment for homosexuals; it is God’s punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals”. I also read about a guy that got beaten to death for being gay yesterday. There really is nothing any gay hater could say on here that I haven’t already heard, so please don’t bother – you’re not spreading God’s love. I know society has improved so much but it’s still got so far to go and I just don’t feel strong enough to live as an openly gay person in this day. I am so scared every day – I have so much pressure placed on me, everyone thinks I’m the frigid ‘pure’ innocent one because I obviously never have boyfriends, all my friends and family are heterosexual…so basically I feel very frightened and alone. My confession is that I’m gay and I truly believe there’s nothing wrong with it. My fear is that I will never have the courage to come out and that I’m not strong enough to live in a society that refuses to tolerate me and infringes me of multiple civil rights. I can never be free.

I have no emotions.

Posted by Jennifer. in Alone on Dec 12th, 2010 | 7 comments

As the title states I have no emotions. I am not sad when someone dies. I am not happy when someone does something good. I am a great actor because I have stable friendships. Hollywood should hire me.

my bipolar brain

Posted by sux to be me in Alone on Dec 7th, 2010 | 7 comments

I think i am bipolar i have been thinkin this since i was in high school but now that i am in college i have been feeling this more and more…this feeling really sucks because everybody around me feels like they are doing something. sometimes i do feel like they are the problem but at this point i dont think i would be crying all the damn time becuase they hurt my feelings. my emotions are all messed up and evrything that happens i feel is my fault. I really hope im not but in all honesty i have really given up on somethings.just sitting here i started to cry this is not normal in a 19 year old. i should be out with my friends right now having fun but yet i am here typing and crying like a old ass woman. this is not the life i planned for myself but this seems to be the hand dealt to me which sux might i add. i cant understand why this happens, but i mean i always get the shitty end of the stick anyway so whatever. but this my confession, i want to tell my friends but i feel like they would judge me..even though we are supposed to be close its not like i trust them enough to ever tell them that.whoever reads this and pray for me and my life. please thanx ;)

Alone

Posted by Anonymous in Alone on Dec 4th, 2010 | 6 comments

I joined a sorority to stop feeling so alone. I sat in a room of 120 people last night at a table alone. When I asked if I did something wrong, the president said she would of sat with me “if i noticed you were sitting alone”. How did no one notice I was the only one in the entire room sitting alone? I never felt so alone.

Im not good enough

Posted by Anonymous in Alone on Nov 27th, 2010 | 7 comments

the girl that i like is white and im black. she has a nice rich home and ive got a mediocre one. I could never give her what she wants and what i want because i don’t have enough money

God i hate myself

I’m done

Posted by Anonymous in Alone on Nov 20th, 2010 | 42 comments

I’ve decided to kill myself on New Years day. My life’s over. It won’t get better from here. I’m 21 and I can already see this. I’m alone. I hope my mom will finally understand what I’ve been trying to tell her all these years. I’ve held her hand for so long, I can’t do it anymore. I’m not her mother. I can’t deal with anything anymore. My dad will never let his control of me go, no matter what. It’ll never get better. I’ll never be able to be with anyone. All my boyfriends have left me. My dad’s succeeded in isolating me from all my friends. I’ve officially got no one. No one’s going to even care when I’m gone. He’s never going to let go. I’m done fighting. I’m so tired. I’m going to die on January 1, 2011 and I can finally just rest.

Broke

Posted by Jenny in Alone on Nov 14th, 2010 | 7 comments

I’m broke. I’m all alone. I can’t pay what I owe. I declared bankruptcy, but I still owe the money. The only thing I have left to sell is my body and my soul.

There is a man who will take me in if I ‘sleep’ with him and keep his house. A maid with priveledges. A place to sleep, a place to eat, a place for my kids, school, clothes, calm, nice, quiet, and I ‘sleep’ with him when ever he wants.

That’s the deal. I took the deal, my kids have to enough to eat. It’s really not so bad, when he ‘sleeps’ with me, I close my eyes, and pretend I am not there.

apathetic.

Posted by anon. in Alone on Nov 9th, 2010 | 2 comments

i’m not in love with my partner anymore but i’m too scared to leave him because i don’t want to be alone. i hate my job and get paid almost nothing for it. i want to go home but i can’t afford a ticket. i’m jealous of nearly everyone. i’m so overweight. i hate how pathetic i feel.