Secret Confessions

I am always feeling alone and I don’t know how to deal with it. It got so scary sometimes; I always imagine myself dying alone which is my biggest nightmare. I want to do something about it, I want to be normal, but I don’t know how to start. Truth be told, I’m too scared to begin living. What the hell is wrong with me?

So many people claim that they admire me because I’m “so smart”

because I’m “so independent”

because I’m “so strong”

I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of having to do everything for myself. I’ve just turned 22… and I’ve already been on my own for 5 years. I lost my mother about a year and a half ago and I still haven’t let myself grieve about it because I’m afraid that if I do, I’ll finally break and there will be no one around to pick up the pieces. I want someone to save me. Is that so bad?

If it’s not… then why is it so hard for me to admit it?
And why can’t I stop feeling so lacking inside?
Then I feel guilty for allowing myself to express how I feel. I know I have no right to complain when there are so many other people who have it worse.

And if one more person tells me that all I need to do is pray… I’ll ******* scream.

Wow.
What a convenient site.
Well, I’ve just started a year at a new school, and as usual I’m having no issues whatsoever making friends. But, my two best friends who I trust the most are at a different school. I haven’t seen them in a while, and I’m terrified of losing them.
I do have a really close friend at my new school, but I don’t feel that she’s the sort of person I’d tell important things…
So, to replace the contact I usually have with my best friends, I’ve begun writing on sites like Livejournal, Mibba, Quizilla etc. and building ‘no-strings-attached’ friendships with people I can relate to. I don’t know if this is a good thing or not, but I really don’t need any lectures on ‘internet safety’ or ‘the dangers of online predators’. Spare me the repetition.
I’m pretty sure it’s better than keeping everything bottled up, I guess. My parents are thinking of sending me to see a therapist, since I’ve been depressed. They recently found out I’ve been taking pain medication when I didn’t need it and they think it’s ‘unhealthy’ the amount of time I spend alone in my room.

I am an ugly 23 year old girl. Who has never been loved. My family, my friends find me utterly good, but not a single person around me finds me interesting.

I am so alone… its like I am the only colourless picture in a colourful world of happiness and love. No one loves me, because I am not pretty or skinny. I am the loudest person in my group and the fattest one too.

I feel like I am so alone, so single, so utterly depressed to see everyone having a partner, except for me. I am fed up of my self I need some one who could care for me… I am an empty room with nothing in me. I need comfort,I need someone who would understand me and love me for what I am.

I don’t know why I feel alone.I have family and friends who loves me, but I still feel alone.sumtimes I need sumone who isn’t my family or my friends.sumone who can listen my story, sumone who can teach me about everything in this world.sumone who know me..when I feel alone, I always crying and ask to God why I filling this.I realy feel alone, like I never have anybody in this world….

all my life i was being accused of being a tomboy. some said it as if they’re joking, some are asking and many are judging. what hurts the most is that even my ex-boyfriend thinks that i am what most people think. though it hurts a lot, i pretend to accept it and laugh at it. i know someday somehow they will regret what they’ve been saying against me.

My husband thinks I cry all the time because we’re having trouble getting pregnant. Actually I hate my entire life and I wonder if having a kid right now is the right thing to do.

Is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time?

I’m suffocating.

When we first made Love, I was married but unhappy. I moved out and planned to leave, but I thought I needed to give my marriage one more chance to work, or I would always have questions. By the time you allowed me back into your life, I found out that my wife was pregnant, but lied to you about when she was due, I lied to you about so many things, but we began to make love again, and you told me that your ideal would be to be married to me and raising OUR children. I hate that you were with Mike, and I felt like I needed to do or say anything to make you fall in love with me again and leave his abusive ass behind. He treats you badly and you accept it because at other times he treats you like I want to. I have left you alone, as you asked, because I hurt you so badly. I will go on in a loveless relationship because it is best for my kids, but I cannot get you out of my mind. I treated you wrong, I lied GOD did I lie! But I wanted you to know that I regret hurting you. I could have made you happy, I thought I could explain away the lies, but I couldnt. You are with Mike this weekend meeting his parents, and I know he will ask you to marry him. . . dont do it. You will find someone to love you like I did (DO!) , but treat you better than he OR I did. You are a wonderful person, but Mike will only make you feel miserable about yourself. You will regret it. I hate what I did to you, and I miss being with you and talking. I miss being close, I miss making love with you. I wish you only happiness but I wish you realized Mike is WRONG WRONG WRONG for you.

I often feel like running off and starting fresh. I don’t fit in with any particular group here. I just want to start new in a town where no one knows me. These daily problems I face are slowly killing me inside and no one knows. Everyone assumes I’m fine by the smile on my face. Little do they know that the smile is nothing but a band aid covering a wound that cannot heal.

wow .. I didn’t expect that there is a site like this .. any way, now i can admit to myself who i am .. ever since childhood i noticed that im different from other male gender .. because i like more playing with the girls than the same sex .. I already admit to myself that infact im a bisexual .. but to my friends and family? they didnt know .. i am thinking about what will be their reaction .. im trying to be normal but i cant help myself being attracted to both sexes .. thats all .. whew ..

sometimes when i’m alone…i cut myself vigorously with this rusty nail i found outside my house. it hurts…but in a good way…you know kinda like when you get beaten on by your teacher…anyway i do this cause i’m emo….

I know a lot of people, but I don’t really consider them my true friends. Around this time of year it gets depressing to hear all the fun places and activities these people do. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to fit in with anyone I know. Everyone always thinks of me as a funny and upbeat person, but I only use that as a mask to hide all the misery I’m in.

No one seems to really understand what I go through. The one person who could really help me wouldn’t talk to me anymore if they found out how I feel. My life is one big wound covered by a band aid. I’m hoping one day, someone will tear it off and help me heal. I have so many friends and i’ve never been so lonely in my life.

About a year ago I tried to kill myself. I felt as though nobody loved me and that my life was worthless.I was getting bad grades and was being sexually abused by my neighbor. I also ws having feelings toward the same sex, and I knew my parents would disown me if they found out.I felt like I had nothing to live for and just wanted to “checkout early”.I was already on medicines for depression and ADHD but they wernt helping so I was taken off them.But they were still in my cabinet. So on that night I took about 45 antidepressants and about 30 ADHD pills and waited to die. At about 2am my mother heard me throwing up and took me to the hospital.She didnt know exactly what I did but she knew it was bad. It was too late to pump my stomach so I was put on an IV and given charcoal to make me have diarreha. The doctor said if I would have come in an hour or so later I would have died. After 2 weeks in the ICU I was taken to a mental instutution for another 2 weeks. Since then my life has straightened out and I’m doing 100% better than before,but I have had to live with this secret and it feels so good to get it off my chest.If you are contemplating suicide please talk to sombody.I know you think nobody cares but trust me alot of people would be heartbroken if you were gone forever.
Thank You for Listening,Jane Doe

I really wish to kill someone.
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lately i have noticed i m developing a sort of allergy to my relatives and family members . being v.distant and indifferent to them . i dont talk to any of them voluntarily n dont even feel like coz i dont like formal relationships . i like 2 b among carefree people who r basically my frienz where i can totally be informal any myself .so mostly at family functions i find myself lonesome.nothing to do .no interest to talk with any1.i wish i could go far away from all of them .atleast distance wud bring in positive changes.