Currently Browsing: Alone

I had a miscarriage

Posted by in Alone on Apr 10th, 2011 | 8 comments

i didn’t even know i was pregnant, but i can’t get over seeing it. my flesh, my baby or rather what could have been my baby. when it happened i didn’t know what was happing i thought my uterus was falling out. I took a pic of what came out of me so i could show it to my doctor, i also showed it to some of my coworkers, my husband and my mom. Soooo i felt super shitty when i found out what happened. i’m crushed, my heart is broken. and the doctor wasn’t very nice about telling me, he said ” congratulations but unfortunately we are 100% sure you had a miscarriage” i didn’t know what to think or feel. now that it set in, i feel like i’ve lost a part of my heart. i cry almost every day, and it happened LAST FALL, the pain wont go away. i feel like i failed my unborn child and my husband. i just want the pain to go away and now a few of my friends are pregnant and it makes my feel worst, i should be happy for them but i’m not i’m jealous and it makes me mad that they get to have something i want, at this point i need it. i dont think i can go on much longer with a child. i want to stop taking my birth control pills so i can get pregnant. my husband and i talked bout it and we thought next spring would be best, but i don’t believe that anymore. i just can’t tell him that. i don’t know what to do and i have no one to talk too.

I Don’t Miss You

Posted by in Alone on Apr 1st, 2011 | 6 comments

I loved you for many years. You loved me too. I know that our break is tearing you up. I feel great.
-I don’t have to make time for you anymore.
-I can stay home and not feel guilty about it.
-I don’t have to have sex with you anymore.
-I don’t have to constantly build you up, only to see you fold to your insecurities.
-I don’t have to “check in.”
-I don’t have to let your dog crawl all over me.
-I don’t have to hide my phone from you.
-I can store my passwords in my computer again and not be afraid you’ll go through my personal files.
-I am free to do what I want, when I want without you crying about it.
-I don’t have to wait around for you to get your shit together.

Good riddance.

Lost

Posted by in Alone on Mar 29th, 2011 | 18 comments

I feel lost… I have no one to turn to anymore. I’m only 14 but I can honestly say I wish I was not alive. I’m scared of killing myself, because if I do, who will care? Sometimes it feels like no one will… And I have no one to turn to. My relationship with my parents is the one thing that can always bring me to tears. I spend too much crying, and the times I’ve used alcohol to escape, works… But only because for a few hours I can forget that I hate myself and my life. I’m not suicidal, but I want someone to talk to… Someone to open up to who I can relate to and won’t judge. I don’t want therapy because i don’t want people to know I’m struggleing with myself. I know my best friend will alwaysbe there for me, but she’s perfect and I’m scared to show her I’m weak.

And I’m really scared to post this….no one will care

Pregnent with a “Recovering” Addict’s child

Posted by in Alone on Mar 15th, 2011 | 1 comment

My boyfriend used to be additced to opiates. He’s been in and out of rehab a few times since he was 17. We got together a little over a year ago and I didn’t know much about his past. I found out more and more when I hit three months pregnent and he went to jail. He missed all of my second trimester and came home. I went a couple months thinking everything was okay and all better, that the past was the past and now we’re moving forward to make the baby that’s coming soon’s life better than our parents made ours.
Three more weeks and I’m going to be a teenaged mother. And just when I think everything’s going great – I come acrossed a text in my phone looking for tabs from an unsaved number. . . I thought he was done with it. I was so proud of him for so long thinking he was doing so good. . I feel like I do everything I can to make him happy and it’s still not enough.
My mother is into drugs && I always promised myself I would never do so much as smoke weed when I become a mother. . . I love him so much, and he’s got such a big heart but I just can’t put my baby through the pain I faced growing up.
Before he went to jail I would always have money missing. And it’s been two months since he got out and I was just starting to trust him with my money. And now all of a sudden my women’s intuition is telling me something’s wrong.
I’ve never wanted anything more than to be a good mom. And now that the situation is rapidly aproaching I’m petrafied.
The least I want to do is give her a good home life. . . Even if I can’t give her everything in the world like I want to.

All my friends stopped hanging out with me when I started to act like a “mom to be”, they stopped answering my texts, wanting to hang out, and most of them stopped talking to me. The few I do have left I don’t trust or just wouldn’t understand.

I’m hurt . . . And I know the more I show it – The more he’ll hide what he’s doing

. . . God help me, I know you’re there.

MY SUICIDE

Posted by in Alone on Mar 7th, 2011 | 23 comments

I am going to kill myself. I already have it all planned. From how I will kill myself ,to how I will have someone to read my statement at my viewing letting everyone know why I did it, and finally to the music I will have played at my viewing so hopefully my So Called Family, and Friends will know what they have done to me. My ex-boyfriend attempted to kill himself by slitting his wrists and he is still alive,I know the right way to cut my wrists so I won’t have to be around anymore.

girls

Posted by in Alone on Mar 6th, 2011 | 6 comments

i have no money, no friends and no interests but i am dieing for a female companion. i know i have nothing to offer, i am a good person but it does not matter. i feel sick every time i get close to a girl i like, and i know that she also likes me, but i just can not find it in my heart to talk to her about anything because i know it is better for her to not get involved with me. she may think that she would like to know me better (at least in my mind)but i feel that the truth is i am protecting them all from getting involved with some one who has nothing to offer. it kills me. i want to have some one in my life, but i just can not do it…will my feelings ever change? help.

High School Daze

Posted by in Alone on Feb 16th, 2011 | 7 comments

I dislike high school, i thought it was suppoes to be the time of my life :(

DEPRESSION

Posted by in Alone on Feb 14th, 2011 | 4 comments

I struggle with depression, my friends and family don’t even kow it. I don’t let them know, alot of the time when it gets really bad I tell my friends that i’m in a funk and blame it on a boy or some crap. If you met me in person you wouldn’t believe that I was struggling with depression, i laugh the most out of life and stress the life part the most out of all of us. I do love life and wouldn’t throw it away even though I have thought of it before. Then my friends joke around about depression or say they want to jump out of a window and are joking and it stings becuase when i joke about those things it’s not usually a joke. I have no idea why i’m depressed, i just am and i feel like there is nothing i can do about it. I want to tell my friends but i dont ****** want their sympathy, which is all i would get, that and i might be put on some wierd monotoring system by them.

Parts, But Not of a Whole

Posted by in Alone on Feb 12th, 2011 | 3 comments

I have different a different persona for nearly every situation. I adjust myself to however most fits the specifics of the moods of people, the environment we’re in, who is there, etc. It is never quite the same as another time, so I’m always a tad bit different. I act however best helps me, whether it be to gain favor with someone, or advance in some way, without arousing suspicion in my companions.

Different groups of friends, different characters. Hyper, chill, deep, ditzy, laid-back, angry, combinations upon combinations- all mask I wear. But they are not so completely fake as a mask. Yes, they are an act. But they are also part of my personality, in some way.

On the internet, sometimes I’ll create multiple accounts on the same site. I’ll give each one a unique “voice” -”Bill and Ted” esque teen, movie buff, Australian movie buff, emotional Spaniard, well-educated man, compassionate woman, idiot, emotionless, heartfelt- it goes on and on. I can tweak them and play them perfectly, even altering my syntax and rhythm in addition to grammar and word choice. Sometimes, whether to develop a character, redirect the thought process of other posters, or redefine an obscure reference/question/statement, I’ll have the characters interact.

There are so many different “me”s. When I get bored of one, I discard it and move on. It gets a bit hairy when the different groups overlap, but I can maintain a balance between the charades well enough to uphold the perceived identity for each.

I don’t feel like one person with a bunch of people inside me, or whatever the multiple personality disorder people do. I simply show different aspects of myself, tagged with some acting, to portray a persona most useful in the situation/group, or for my purpose.

how i really feel…..

Posted by in Alone on Feb 7th, 2011 | 4 comments

i feel like such a failure,no children 39..i don’t drive..don’t even have a dog.i sit home all day as a stay at home wife..i just wish i could snap out of the homebody ways i have.i am beyond lonely most of the time.no one that is in my life knows this…i am sooooo lonely…i just want a full life.so sad.i finish nothing…i feel like a horrible person.

Am I Good at Hiding, or Does No One See Anything Anyways?

Posted by in Alone on Jan 31st, 2011 | 18 comments

I have considerable research on psychology and serial killers. I have noted psychopathic tendencies in myself. I have noted similarities between the childhood “checklist” of a serial killer, and my own youth.

I know the signs, so I know what to hide. I know how to hide them. I am well liked. I have many “friends”. People see me as sweet, quiet, deep, and intelligent. I am the last person turned to in suspicion for anything. I am no danger, but had things gone differently when I was younger, I might have become one. No one sees me for who I am. No one sees how close I am, mentally, to a psychopath or maybe a serial killer. I fit into any situation, and portray the persona I need to. No one seems to see beyond it. No one sees me.

Why am I posting this? I want someone besides myself to know, but am far from stupid enough to actually associate this with myself. Why? Maybe I’m proud of being able to uphold a facade. Maybe not. Maybe I am curious as to how people would react to the real me, but again, am not stupid enough to reveal it and risk repercussions just to satisfy curiosity. I am not quite sure why. I just have a mild inclination to share this.

I’m not who you think I am.

Posted by in Alone on Jan 30th, 2011 | 18 comments

Truth? I only go to school & work hard so I can get away from home. I have been abused in every way possible since I can remember. My mom knows and still puts her husband before me. I saw a social worker; She promised to show up and never did. I called the suicide hotline but the man on the other end spoke over me & barely let me speak. I truly believe that I am invisible sometimes. I want to join the military because they’re the only ones who’ve shown interest in me. I want to have close friends but I have to move so often. I’ve never had a guy show interest in me. I stood outside of a strip club at 12 am wishing someone would even rape me. No one acknowledged me. I cut my arms and legs so I can release and just feel something good. I want to die. I hung my self in the when I was 8 and ended up with a huge ring around my neck. I took a bottle of pills when I was 11 and I cried when I didn’t die. I still cut. I still want to die. No one cares or even notices. I think that I must have lived a previous life & did something so terrible that I was sentenced to this hell.

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